Joke thread

[Sam101]

 

[Sam101]

My wife banged on the toilet door & said "Hurry up I need a shit"



"Fuck off," I shouted "I'm trying to have a wank in here"



"So that's more important than diarrhoea" she screamed.



I yelled through the door " I'm just about to come for fuck sake, just wait a few moments will you"



What an impatient, big mouthed gobshite she is.



God knows what everyone on the plane must have thought.

 

[KS55]

View attachment 143111

Never a truer word….

 

[Casey69]

A drunk cowboy whips out his gun shooting here there and everywhere, a ricochet hits a dog in the leg it limps off to recover from it’s wound and over the next few months as it heals the dog learns to fire a gun.
Sometime later the same cowboy is up to his tricks again and the dog confronts him,pulls its gun and shoots the cowboy as he falls to the ground the cowboy shouts WHY? WHY? And the dog replies “ you shot my paw”!

 

[Bigg Bigg Blue]

 

[Bigg Bigg Blue]

 

[bluethrunthru]

not a joke but very funny

 

[sir baconface]

Knock knock?

Who’s there?

Ringo Starr’s best ever drum solo.

 

[noblelord]

Interviewer: How much amount of milk does
your cow produce?

Farmer: Which one, black one or white one?

Interviewer: Black one

Farmer: 2 litres per day.

Interviewer: And the white one?

Farmer: 2 litres per day.

Interviewer : Where do they sleep?

Farmer: The Black one or the white one?

Interviewer: The black one

Farmer : In the "cowshed"

Interviewer: And the White one?

Farmer: In the "cowshed" also

Interviewer: Your cows look healthy... What do you feed them?

Farmer: Which one..black one or white one?

Interviewer: Black one

Farmer: Grass

Interviewer: And the white one?

Farmer: Grass

Interviewer: (Annoyed) but why do you keep on asking if black one or white one when answers are just the same??

Farmer: Because the black one is mine.

Interviewer: And the white one?

Farmer: Its also mine.

 

[Vienna_70]

Interviewer: How much amount of milk does
your cow produce?

Farmer: Which one, black one or white one?

Interviewer: Black one

Farmer: 2 litres per day.

Interviewer: And the white one?

Farmer: 2 litres per day.

Interviewer : Where do they sleep?

Farmer: The Black one or the white one?

Interviewer: The black one

Farmer : In the "cowshed"

Interviewer: And the White one?

Farmer: In the "cowshed" also

Interviewer: Your cows look healthy... What do you feed them?

Farmer: Which one..black one or white one?

Interviewer: Black one

Farmer: Grass

Interviewer: And the white one?

Farmer: Grass

Interviewer: (Annoyed) but why do you keep on asking if black one or white one when answers are just the same??

Farmer: Because the black one is mine.

Interviewer: And the white one?

Farmer: Its also mine.

This "joke" was posted only a few weeks ago, and as I said then, a cow producing two litres a day isn’t worth milking.

To make the "joke" more realistic, 20 litres is a much better figure.

 

[Mossy1973]

Pull the udder one!

This "joke" was posted only a few weeks ago, and as I said then, a cow producing two litres a day isn’t worth milking.

To make the "joke" more realistic, 20 litres is a much better figure.

 

[sir baconface]

A group of men have been convicted of stealing roof joists in South Wales.

The press have labelled them the Tenby Eight.

 

[Vienna_70]

Pull the udder one!

You should ruminate on the teat you’ve made of yourself.

 

[blueish swede]

This "joke" was posted only a few weeks ago, and as I said then, a cow producing two litres a day isn’t worth milking.

To make the "joke" more realistic, 20 litres is a much better figure.

I thought I'd herd it.

 

[horlock_was_super]

This "joke" was posted only a few weeks ago, and as I said then, a cow producing two litres a day isn’t worth milking.

To make the "joke" more realistic, 20 litres is a much better figure.

Perhaps it’s a pre Brexit joke and the cows were subject to EU quotas.

 

[KS55]

Post Brexit UK milk is measured in Crans.

 

[lefty goldblatt]

A lot of people don't like cow puns.

I have no beef with their opinions, I'm off to get leathered.


I'd do some more, but I don't want to milk it.

 

[Casey69]

You should let the milk jokes go passed your eyes !

 

[KS55]

Veal meat again, don’t know where, don’t know when…

 

[Norbert D]

Pissed up bloke at the bar turns to the others regulars, “you lot over this side are a bunch of cunts and you lot over that side are a bunch of arseholes”

A bloke jumps up “I’m not an arsehole!” To which the bloke at bar responds “ well get over there with the cunts!”

RIP Bernard !