Joke thread

[Lavinda Past]

My friends keep trying to convince me to replace my skin with the soft, fuzzy underside of animal hide... and no matter how many times I say "no", they keep trying to sell me on it's merits.

It's been months now, but I remain resolute in this decision.

I will not be suede

 

[Lavinda Past]

It really annoys me when people argue online and use the wrong word…

…and don’t have the humidity to admit it.

 

[Lavinda Past]

Old MacDonald had a dolphin,

E-E-E-E-E

 

[Bigg Bigg Blue]

 

[Bigg Bigg Blue]

 

[Alan Harper's Tash]

The Patron Saint of copying people in to an email is St Francis of a CC.

 

[Bill Walker]

Aldi have started a delivery service near us.

They didn't have the bananas or tomatoes that I ordered, so sent replacement items instead.

Fuck knows what I'm going to do with a chainsaw and javelin.

Just keep your receipt you can return them haha

 

[Bill Walker]

It really annoys me when people argue online and use the wrong word…

…and don’t have the humidity to admit it.

It's a recipient for disaster

 

[Bill Walker]

 

[Uwe`s Grandad]

 

[sir baconface]

View attachment 148199

The clock on the mantelpiece says different.

Needs specs as well as a hearing aid.

 

[sir baconface]

 

[Lavinda Past]

What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?

One looks up the family tree, the other looks up the family bush.

 

[Lavinda Past]

If you ever get locked out of your house, just talk to your lock calmly.....

Communication is the key

 

[SWPISHOME]

My daughter told me two jokes yesterday.

Why did Andre Onana go to the laundrette?

He wanted to get a clean sheet.

What's the difference between a baby and man united fans?

A baby stops whinging after a while.

 

[Sam101]

 

[balotellishaircut]

My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him and smeared the walls with his own faeces.




After that we never played monopoly again.

 

[Lavinda Past]

 

[Sam101]

 

[sir baconface]