Joke thread

I walked into a cafe this morning with my jack russell. The owner of the cafe said, "Excuse me sir, no dogs allowed in here."

Quick as a flash I said, "I'm Blind."

He said, "I thought blind people had labradors or alsatians?"

I bent down and said, "What have they given me?"
 
An elephant and a mouse were walking together in the jungle.
The elephant fell into a hole and couldn't get out.
"Help, help", he cried.
The mouse said, "Don't worry, I'll get my Mercedes out of the garage and some rope and pull you out".
An hour or so later the mouse returns in his Mercedes and attaches a length of rope to it.
He says to the elephant, "I'm going to throw the rope to you. Wrap it around your trunk and I'll pull you out with my Mercedes".
The elephant did as he was told and the effort was successful.


The following day the pair were again out walking. This time the mouse fell down a hole.
"Help, help", the mouse cried out.
"Don't worry my friend, I'll come over there and you can grab hold of my member and climb out".
This effort was also successful and proves that, if you have a big dick you don't need a Mercedes to pull....
 
Three guys discussing women’s nether regions over a pint in the pub, first guy whoever made it was an artist, just look at the colours and the textures, second guy naw it was an architect just look at the symmetry and the positioning… third guy no! You are both wrong it was the council ! Who else puts a leisure centre next to a shithouse!
 
Sombody has stolen my anti-depressants - I just hope they're happy


It gets worse - I've just realised that they had it away with my thesaurus as well.
I can't describe how angry I am...
 
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