Joke thread

Just remembered this from back in the day

Young Iraqi footballer comes to Maine road for trials under Brian Horton after impressing for a week he phones home hey dad Mr Horton really likes me he said they may offer me a contract. That’s wonderful news said he’s dad but I’ve got some bad news your mums been shot, your sisters been raped your younger brother is being terrorised and we’ve had our house broken into, shit said the young footballer that’s awful, Well you would have to bring us to moss side wouldn’t you son.
 
A guy wakes up feeling really rough one morning after some heavy partying the night before. He soon realises he can’t find his mobile phone and desperately tries to remember his movements the previous night.

Hazily he remembers a golden toilet he used at a house party he had crashed but he couldn’t remember the exact house. Grabbing his wallet and keys, he leaves home to retrace his steps. Wandering down the road he knocks on each front door and asks if they had a golden toilet. Each time a bemused homeowner tells him no and he starts getting more worried his phone was lost.

Reaching the last house on the road, he walks up to the front door and rings the bell. A lady opens the door and he politely enquires again if they have a golden toilet.

She turns back into the house and shouts “Bill, the guy who took a shit in your tuba is at the front door”.
 
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For an experiment I was texting my Mrs Truth Social style

"I AM PROUD TO ANNOUNCE I MADE TEA FOR MYSELF. I CAN CONFIRM IT WAS A NUTRITIOUS AND BALANCED MEAL MADE OF 3 MICROWAVE CHEESE BURGERS. I THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION IN THIS MATTER. YOUR HUSBAND AT HOME"

she has texted my daughter who is upstairs asking her to "check on Dad to see if he is alright" lol
 
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