Joke thread

[KS55]

My wife asked me to make a bird table. Which I did.

And then she got upset when she only came fifth.

Especially as her sister came first……
“You bastard” said my wife “You had sex with my sister”
“Well” I replied “She was just lying there totally naked on the table. What did you expect me to do?”
“The post mortem……….doctor” she replied with heavy irony.

 

[Bill Walker]

 

[ColinBellsjockstrap]

Why are they called Bungalows?







'Cos when a builder was building a house he was running out of money so he thought I'll bungalow roof on it.

 

[Grassland Blue]

A local businessman said to me in the pub yesterday, "I would rather have 1,000 muslim extremists visit my shop than even one American soldier!"











Funny people these undertakers.....

 

[noseve]

View attachment 165617

and

Especially as her sister came first……
“You bastard” said my wife “You had sex with my sister”
“Well” I replied “She was just lying there totally naked on the table. What did you expect me to do?”
“The post mortem……….doctor” she replied with heavy irony.

There are some that you wish you didn't find funny, but...

 

[Grassland Blue]

Back in my youth we had Woderwoman.
The youth these days have to wonder if it's a woman....

 

[noseve]

My best mate has just started going out with this born-again Christian. What a PITA she is!

She rang last night to blame me for him calling her a 'horrible name'.

I asked "Did he call you a bitch?"

"No", she said, "he didn't use that word"

"Well then, did he call you a c*nt?"

"No, he didn't use that disgusting word either!"

"In that case, then" I assured her, "he didn't hear it from me"

 

[SCEtoAUX]

Only three people in human history have had elements named after them. Albert Einstein, Marie Curie, and my mate Dave Immersion-Heater.

 

[noseve]

My neighbour is a 95-year-old with Alzheimer's.

Once a day, without fail, he knocks on my door and asks me where his wife is, so every day I have to explain to him that she's been dead for 20 years.

I've thought about ignoring the doorbell, but to be honest, it's worth it - just to see the smile spread across his face...

 

[Vienna_70]

I’m sure you know that NFU stands for National Farmers' Union.

However, many farmers think it really means No Fucking Use.

 

[bluethrunthru]

if you know the origins this is really funny

 

[balotellishaircut]

I was in Waterstones earlier on today to buy the new Prince Harry book. The assistant informed me that it was available in PDF file. I said “No thanks, that’s his uncle”

 

[Bill Walker]

 

[Bill Walker]

 

[Bill Walker]

 

[Bill Walker]

 

[AliBobbyJ]

View attachment 165915

Bottom right made me laugh.
Top right & bottom left - taking care of the innocent & vulnerable?

 

[RadcliffeRick]

Bottom right made me laugh.
Top right & bottom left - taking care of the innocent & vulnerable?

One could add:-
Putin with his puppy

 

[noseve]

 

[Pancake Arse]