Joke thread

When I was growing up, an old bloke in the village had a piece of seaweed hanging up outside his house to tell him the weather.

I once asked him how it worked.

"If the seaweed’s dry, it’s going to rain. If it’s wet, it’s raining already!"
 
Vienna_70 said:
When I was growing up, an old bloke in the village had a piece of seaweed hanging up outside his house to tell him the weather.

I once asked him how it worked.

"If the seaweed’s dry, it’s going to rain. If it’s wet, it’s raining already!"
Click to expand...
No doubt he also realised seaweed’s potential application as a nutraceutical supplement for health benefits in terms of mineral content, vitamins, fatty acids, antioxidants and dietary fibres.
 
A farmer decided he wanted to go to town and see a movie. As he approached, the ticket agent asked, “Sir, what’s that on your shoulder?”
The old farmer said, “That’s my pet rooster Chuck. Wherever I go, Chuck goes.”
“I’m sorry, sir,” said the ticket agent. “We can’t allow animals in the theater.”
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed Chuck down his overalls. Then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket, and entered the theater.
He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.
The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so Chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie.
“Marge,” whispered Mildred.
“What?” said Marge.
“I think the guy next to me is a pervert.”
“What makes you think so?” asked Marge.
“He undid his pants and he has his thing out,” whispered Mildred.
“Eh, don’t worry about it,” said Marge. “At our age we’ve seen ’em all.”
“I thought so too,” said Mildred, “but this one’s eatin’ my popcorn!”
 
My daughter's Violin Tutor asked to see me.

He said she was getting a reputation in the group. I thought she must be ultra talented to stand out, until I was told her nickname.

Straddled various.
 
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