Joke thread

[Squelch]

I'm still not certain that I should have joined the Bluemoon group for constipation sufferers ...

I can sit there for hours, but the greatest relief is when I eventually log out.

 

[Zuriblue]

Over in Egypt, they've found a new mummy. King of the upper and lower kingdoms back in the day. Entombed with all the funeral rights, covered in chocolate and rolled in chunks of almond.

He was Pharaoh Rocher.

 

[Zuriblue]

Cecil was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man, named Max, who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

Cecil took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," Max replied.

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the Cecil asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the Max. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Well," said Cecil, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife, Tanya."

Max was astounded. "Won't your Tanya be furious with you for doing that?

Cecil replied, "That's okay. It's important for Tanya to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf."

 

[Zuriblue]

What three football teams have swearwords in their names?

Arsenal, Scunthorpe and Manchester Fucking United.

 

[TangerineSteve17]

What three football teams have swearwords in their names?

Arsenal, c**t and Manchester Fucking United.

Dong-caster?

anyway, shit forewarned joke here..

Me and my mate had a bet on who could hold their arms above their head the longest, the winner would win the golden cup........I wasn't victorious, but I got atrophy regardless.

can it get any worse?

 

[Tuearts right boot]

What three football teams have swearwords in their names?

Arsenal, c**t and Manchester Fucking United.

Dong-caster?

anyway, shit forewarned joke here..

Me and my mate had a bet on who could hold their arms above their head the longest, the winner would win the golden cup........I wasn't victorious, but I got atrophy regardless.

can it get any worse?

Erm...shouldn't that be Scunthorpe Town

 

[Zuriblue]

What three football teams have swearwords in their names?

Arsenal, c**t and Manchester Fucking United.

Dong-caster?

anyway, shit forewarned joke here..

Me and my mate had a bet on who could hold their arms above their head the longest, the winner would win the golden cup........I wasn't victorious, but I got atrophy regardless.

can it get any worse?

Bloody swear filter got me! Sort it out Damo.

 

[TFC]

What three football teams have swearwords in their names?

Arsenal, c**t and Manchester Fucking United.

Dong-caster?

anyway, shit forewarned joke here..

Me and my mate had a bet on who could hold their arms above their head the longest, the winner would win the golden cup........I wasn't victorious, but I got atrophy regardless.

can it get any worse?

Erm...shouldn't that be c**t Town

lol, got to love the **** filter....I believe its S c u n t h o r p e utd

 

[Stato]

haha bluemoon caught out by the Scu*nthope problem poor show Ric and Damo( sound like a couple of radio DJs).

 

[york away to this!]

how many spanish men does it take to change a light bulb?












...just Juan.

 

[Damocles]

haha bluemoon caught out by the Scu*nthope problem poor show Ric and Damo( sound like a couple of radio DJs).

This was de niro's area of responsibility.

 

[Pezzer2]

What do you call a Dog with no tongue?

Scruffy Bo**ocks

 

[LWashington]

A woman goes to a friends house for afternoon tea. She learns that her host has three daughters.
The first come up and gives the guest a cup to tea. The host says "she's called Petal because when she was first put outside in a pram a petal landed on her head". How nice thinks the guest.
A few minutes later the second girl comes up and gives the guest a piece of cake The host says "she's called Raindrop because when she was first put outside in a pram a raindrop landed on her head". How lovely thinks the guest.
A few minutes later the third daughter comes up and says "hmmmd arddd jdjeiie lopp tripufp ughh ugh".
To which the mother replies "Oh do shut up Rooftile".

 

[foetus]

A woman goes to a friends house for afternoon tea. She learns that her host has three daughters.
The first come up and gives the guest a cup to tea. The host says "she's called Petal because when she was first put outside in a pram a petal landed on her head". How nice thinks the guest.
A few minutes later the second girl comes up and gives the guest a piece of cake The host says "she's called Raindrop because when she was first put outside in a pram a raindrop landed on her head". How lovely thinks the guest.
A few minutes later the third daughter comes up and says "hmmmd arddd jdjeiie lopp tripufp ughh ugh".
To which the mother replies "Oh do shut up Rooftile".

I've heard a version where the third daughter is named Fridge.

 

[LWashington]

A woman goes into a library and says "I want to try a different type of thriller book, preferably one based around sport".

The Librarian says "Have you tried Dick Francis?"

The woman replies "Sure have, but how do you know my name was Frances?"

 

[Squelch]

There were 3 moles living in a hole, one day they woke up to the smell of pancakes.
The first Mole sticks his head out of the hole and says, "I smell pancakes". The second one sticks his head out and says, "I smell syrup". The third one tries to stick his head out, but gets stuck behind the other two, so he says, "All I smell is Molasses".

 

[city saint]

my dad was sacked from his job as a council roadworker for stealing.i didn't want to believe it but when I got home all the signs were there

 

[chris63]

Hubby has ' I love you' tattooed on his penis, and goes home to show his wife, she says 'There you go again, trying to put words in my mouth'

 

[maccadon]

"KARMA" Sutra position no. 54.The Pirate.


When giving it doggy style,spit on her back,so she (or he for some of you) thinks you've came.
When she turns around blast her in the face.
Known as The Pirate because she'll put 1 hand over her eye,
and shout AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH.

My mate told me one the other day like this: Its called the Spider Man:

pull out Shoot your load in hand and flip up your girls back, like spider man shooting a web!!

Monkey Face:

Spunk on her face and throw a handful of pubes on there so they stick, then cry out "Monkey Face! Oo oo oo oo!"

That's an angry chewbacca

 

[jimharri]

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says,
"For the sake of decency, here's £50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.
"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"
She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."
He reaches into his pocket and says,
"For the sake of decency, here's €20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over.
The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
"Sweet mother of Jesus, Aggie! Where the fuck are your drawers?"
She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money to be able to afford any."
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says,
"Well, for the love of Jesus, and the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yourself up a bit."