Joke thread

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My Great Great Great Grandad died in the battle of the little big horn. He wasn't in the 7th army like. He was camping in the next field and just popped over to ask them to keep the noise down.
 
I went to Morrisons before and the cashier asked this foreign couple in front of me if they wanted help packing their bags.... I thought Fuck Me this is happening quicker than I expected
 
Boris Johnson, Michael Gove and Nigel Farage have all been invited onto A Question of Sport and all have declined. They don't want to take part in the What Happened Next round.
 
Just won my semi-final of "The most celibate man in the world" competition. I'm meeting the pope in the final next week.
 
A guy wakes up in hospital after getting a terrible beating. Doctor asks him what he can remember. He says "I was making love to this beautiful woman that I had only just met at a bar earlier, when we heard the front door of her house opening. 'Oh my God!' she shouted, 'it's my husband! Quick, the back door!' Now I know I should have run, but you don't get an offer like that every day."
 
jimharri said:
A guy wakes up in hospital after getting a terrible beating. Doctor asks him what he can remember. He says "I was making love to this beautiful woman that I had only just met at a bar earlier, when we heard the front door of her house opening. 'Oh my God!' she shouted, 'it's my husband! Quick, the back door!' Now I know I should have run, but you don't get an offer like that every day."
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Very good :)
 
jimharri said:
A guy wakes up in hospital after getting a terrible beating. Doctor asks him what he can remember. He says "I was making love to this beautiful woman that I had only just met at a bar earlier, when we heard the front door of her house opening. 'Oh my God!' she shouted, 'it's my husband! Quick, the back door!' Now I know I should have run, but you don't get an offer like that every day."
Click to expand...

Lol. First joke on here to be funny in ages.
 
jimharri said:
A guy wakes up in hospital after getting a terrible beating. Doctor asks him what he can remember. He says "I was making love to this beautiful woman that I had only just met at a bar earlier, when we heard the front door of her house opening. 'Oh my God!' she shouted, 'it's my husband! Quick, the back door!' Now I know I should have run, but you don't get an offer like that every day."
Click to expand...
Haha quality James.
 
jimharri said:
A guy wakes up in hospital after getting a terrible beating. Doctor asks him what he can remember. He says "I was making love to this beautiful woman that I had only just met at a bar earlier, when we heard the front door of her house opening. 'Oh my God!' she shouted, 'it's my husband! Quick, the back door!' Now I know I should have run, but you don't get an offer like that every day."
Click to expand...

hehe.
 
chris63 said:
went to the library and asked if they had the book about tiny penises...

The librarian said, "I don't think it's in yet."

I said, "Yes, that's the one."
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Funninly enough I went to the library and asked if they had any books about sex with dwarves.

The librarian said, "How friggin' low can you stoop?!?"

I said, "Yep, that's the one"
 
Earth was invaded by aliens from Outer Space at the weekend.

Fortunately they left after they landed in the UK and couldn't get a coherent response to the demand "take me to your leader!"
 
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his elderly, sick father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit £200 million."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

And the moral of this tale? Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
 
A man died and turned up at the Pearly Gates,where he saw a huge wall of clocks behind St.Peter.He asked "why all those clocks ?".
St.Peter answered "Those are the lie clocks.Each time someone on earth lies,the hands on the clock move".
"Whose clock is that " the man asked.
"Thats Mother Teresas.The hands of the clock have never moved in 80 years" replied St.Peter.
What about that clock then" he asked.St Peter replied that one was Abraham Lincolns and had only moved twice in his entire life.
"Wheres Tony Blairs clock ?" asked the man.
St.Peter replied "I`m keeping it in my fucking office as a ceiling fan".
 
A Welshman goes to the doctors for a medical and the doctor asks his height. The man replies "6ft 1 inch" .
"Hmm" says the doctor and measures him. "You're actually 5ft 7 inches".
The doctor then asks his weight "12st 7 lbs " says then man.
"Hmmm" says the doctor and weighs him "You're actually 17st 11lbs ".
The doctor then takes his blood pressure " 195 over 115 " says the doctor "That's alarmingly high".
The Welshman says "What do you expect, I came in here thinking I had the physique of Gareth Bale, then you tell me I have the physique of Wayne "fucking" Rooney.
 
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