Lighten up, it's The City joke thread..........:-))

[kcmcfc]

- Do you know what the Bluemoon forum and City have in common on match days? - No.
- "General Error".

Is this good?

Made me laugh!

 

[M24-CRC]

Not city jokes but had them sent to me and made me laugh..........


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I've just come out of the 'chippy' with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days' I told him 'I wish I had your f*cking willpower'
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A woman buys a wall mirror from B & Q, manager says 'would you like a screw for that mirror' No she said 'but I'd suck your cock for a lawn mower'.
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Top tip; if your camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex...........Wish me luck I appear in court next Monday.
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I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today. Apparently the instruction ' finish off on her face ' didn't mean ' What I thought it did '
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A fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said ' sorry about the wait ' I said ' don't worry you fat woman, you'll lose it eventually '
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Recession beater -
Wife says to husband ' if you cycle to work we could get rid of the second car' Husband replies ' if you'd take it up the ar*e & let me cum on your face we could get rid of the nanny!'
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One of life's great mysteries -
How is it that a woman can fit a seven inch vibrator into her half inch fanny, IN THE DARK............ but she's unable to fit an eight foot car into a fifteen foot parking space IN BROAD FU**ING DAYLIGHT?
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Marriage councellor to a couple who are contemplating divorce....... ' Tell me something both of you have in common ' Husband after a long awkward silence ' Well neither of us sucks co*k '
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Snow eh! The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself ' she'll be f**king lucky with a face like that!'
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I have a new chat up line that works everytime!! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them..............Here's how it goes ' Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'
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[rastus]

Craig Bellamy gets picked up by Shay on the way to training, Bellers gets in 'Hi Shay Mate' 'Hi Bellers'.

Shay smells a rotten stench coming from Bellers, he feels uncomfortable in telling him. Bellers cant believe it,
he had a long power shower used the best deoderants and decided to have another shower before training.

To no avail, all the players were going green with the stench, Mancini said you needa to sorta out that stenchio Billamy
I canna play you, go seea tha doctoro now.

The doctor is knocked back by the smell, he has never come across anything like it.

The doctor did the once over still clueless he referred to his medical manuals.

After 5 minutes he said 'Got It' 'No matter how much you clean and wash, you smell rancid'

What is it, Bellers eagerly demanded.

'Your a CU*T' the doctor informed him.

 

[jimbo101]

the city squad are out on a training run when Kolo toure pulls up with a stitch. Mancini sends the rest of the squad on their way & stays with Kolo. After a while they make their way back to the training ground & spot a chippy. 'I'll get us some chips' says Roberto & goes into the chippy.
A owner recognises him & says 'Mr Mancini, what are you doing here?'
'Can you give me some feesh & chips for Kolo Toure' he replies.
'Fuck off!' says the owner 'he's never worth that much!'

 

[Neil McNab]

Apparently SWP has been looking really up for it in training, couldn't stop smiling as he ran around on the training pitch.
Mancini was asked if it was because he's signed his new contract, "no" he replied "the groundsmans left the grass a bit long and it's tickling his balls".

 

[Revol]

City are getting quite big now. A Mancunian went on holiday. Usually on holiday, when he tells a local he's from Manchester they respond with "ah, Manchester! Wayne Rooney! Ryan Giggs! Rio Ferdinand!", but this time when he told a bartender where he was from, the bartender responded "ah, Manchester! Carlos Tevez! Craig Bellamy! Emmanuel Adebayor!"

He enjoyed his week's stay in Stockport.

 

[GaudinoMotors]

Apparently SWP has been looking really up for it in training, couldn't stop smiling as he ran around on the training pitch.
Mancini was asked if it was because he's signed his new contract, "no" he replied "the groundsmans left the grass a bit long and it's tickling his balls".

ex has gone downhill, so i bought the wife a dildo. She said it looks like a giant carrot.... which is ironic as her fanny looks like a donkey yawning.


The two leaders for me

Great thread - much needed!

 

[Revol]

Craig Bellamy is a decent guy. He's devoted to his team, he's a natural born leader and he oozes charisma.

Craig Bellamy, manager of Melbourne Storm, of course.

 

[samharris]

Two blokes in a pub chatting about the night before, the first one says " I cant believe you took home that really fat bird last night, did you shag her" ?? "sure did" said the second bloke It was brill".

The first bloke said "I hope you took precaution"
The second bloke said "of course mate Im not stupid, I tied my foot to the sink".

 

[george98]

Wembley! Wdembley!!
it's that shitty place in london that we're never gonna see