A swelling expanse of hot salty tears
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How about spending some of that complaining time on reorganising your team properly?
A RIGHT OLD NANI STATE
Somewhere in Old Trafford, a punch's throw from the Sir Alex Ferguson statue and beneath the Sir Alex Ferguson Stand, there is the Sir Alex Ferguson puddle, a still-swelling expanse of hot salty tears spilled by the sobbing former Big Cup participant himself. Last night's elimination by Real Madrid was harder than a horse burger for the Scot to digest, with the perceived injustice of Nani's red card leaving him too "distraught" to even attend the post-match press conference.
"He's in no fit state to talk to the referee about the decision," explained his stoic underling, Mike Phelan. "It speaks volumes that I am sat here and not the manager of this fantastic football club," added Phelan, brazenly intimating that Ferguson had bottled it and is no longer suitable to lead United. There was everyone slagging off the Special One for seemingly trying to ingratiate himself with Old Trafford fans and power-brokers with a view to future employment when sly old Phelan was staging a subtle coup. Or maybe he wasn't and the Fiver's got it all wrong. Yes, that must be it.
So anyway, Ferg's weeping. The realisation that during 20 years of dominance in the most monied league on the planet he has won just two Big Cups surely pains and embarrasses the Scot, as must the knowledge that the latest blow to his reign came from someone possibly eyeing his throne like some sort of Portuguese Prince Charles, but one who has already won the same number of Big Cups as him in half the time.
Ferguson's dismay at Nani's expulsion is also surely understandable, as, of course, was the decision of referee Cuneyt Cakir. "We have no problem with him," confirmed a Uefa mandarin today between belches. "There are no issues for us regarding the sending off and we will wait for the official reports of the match delegate and the referee's observer, as is procedure. If they raise concerns then we will act." Many United fans have raised concerns, of course, including one roaring poltroon who rang 999 to report the official's 'crime' to Nottingham police. The 18-year-old man has since apologised for his supreme idiocy and explained that he got "caught up in the excitement". And for being a supreme idiot.
