really REALLY **** jokes that still make you laugh

two dyslexic skiers stood at the top of the mountain

Skier 1: "i'm going to zig zag down this mountain"

skier 2: "zig zag?....wtf, it's zag zig"

just then a guy walks past

skier 1: "alright, lets see then, we'll ask this guy, he looks like he knows what he's doing"..."hey fella, me and my mate are going to ski down this mountain, i say it's zig zag and he says it zag zig, can you tell us which it is"

guy: "no idea, im a tobboganist"

skier 2: "arr, nice 1...give me 20 benson & hedges"
 
A Man U fan dies and goes to heaven. He is met at the gates by St Peter who asks if he has any questions before entering.
The Man U fan asks if there are any City Players in heaven? St Peter tells the rag that there are non.
So off he goes in throught the pearly gates.
He has only been their 20 minutes and sees this bloke in full City kit.
Enraged he goes to find St Peter who says that this is impossible. The rag takes this on face value and cracks on.
Another hour passes and the rag sees the same bloke in full City gear doing a bit of ball skills.
He grabs St Peter and takes him to where he spotted the City player and sure enough there he is.
On seeing this bloke St Petere explains that this man is God who isn't a City player. He just wishes he was.
 
Sarah-Jessica Parker walks into a bar.

The barman asks inquisitively, "why the long face?"

An blonde Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:

"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The dispatcher said, "Miss, please stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake.
 
OKAY need your help with this one. a visual JOKE.
literally place your left hand trigger finger (like a fake `tash) on your top lip. place your right hand trigger finger under your bottom lip(same method). now, in front of a mirror rub both lips together fast (in the opposite direction ,both to the left and right)with a second pause(mouth open)every few seconds.......... repeat it a few times

Q. whats this ?????????



A. a womans vagina at a hundred and ten metre hurdles!!!
 
Gay man goes back to start of mankind. He sees a garderner, and asks, 'Where can I find Adam and Steve?'

Garderner replies, 'Wrong side of the bush'




















Coat!
 
Two Mexicans are lost in the desert-they have been wandering under the blazing sun for days tormented by hunger, when suddenly they smell the unmistakeable aroma of bacon. Quickly they crawl to the crest of a sand dune and see a small tree covered in rashers of best back, grilled lean flitch, fried smoked streaky slices. It is too much for Pedro who staggers to his feet and rushes towards it shouting, 'We are saved- eet eez a bacon tree!' His friend Miguel tries to grab Pedro's arm crying 'No,no, stop my friend, take care eet could be a trap!' But Pedro ignores him and races to the mouth watering vegetation. Just as he reaches it a shot rings out and Pedro falls. With his dying breath he turns to Miguel and gasps, 'Stay back my friend, you were right-eez not a bacon tree eet eez a ham bush!'
 
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