PR woman reading from a teleprompter through gritted teeth: "Hello, and welcome members of the press.
Welcome to Mysoginist United, sorry I meant to say Manchester obviously, we are an inclusive club, anybody can join - Edwards, Best , Butt, Giggs, Ronaldo, Antony and now another one of own, Mason Greenwood.
Please remember to take your souvenier goodie bag on the way out, contains a signed baseball bat from both Mason and Giggs, a special presentation case of whiskey from our dear leader Sir Alex - 'Not to be drunk in My lifetime', a United branded and Giggs personally stained duvet cover, and a pair of complimentary branded condoms "The Antony and Ronaldo ribbed surprises.
So, questions, yes.. you sir... my word sir you look amazing... that suit really sets off your watch.. Mr Stone?"
SS: "Can I just say, I love you Sir Alex, please let me lick you...again... I think we can all agree Manchester United are the best and biggest football team in the world and have always and forever will be that way."
PR: "Thankyou Mr Stone, well I think that wraps it up, we've dealt with all the issues possible, please proceed to the foyer where they'll be prawn sandwiches served on brown envelopes waiting for you, make sure your hands are completely free, to enable you to double dip"
Media reporting : "United are the best", "United show their style", "United I want your babies"
