Thinking back to my school days I did something I regret, kind of ashamed of but I hated school and most teachers.
My all boys school was tough. A bit of a cross between the films Oliver Twist and Scum. Cruel draconian teachers were always trying to punish naughty boys with 6 of the best slipper on the arse, most probably for their own deviant sexual gratification. But we were young and naive to paedophilic bullies back then. I seemed to be getting the pump and cane more than most and after a while I got sick of harsh and unjust punishment so I rebelled and bacame the class clown. I wanted to learn but most teachers were more interested in thrashing my cute little ass in tormenting, not mentoring me!
Was in the metalwork room one lesson with my mate and he was pissing about on the welder burning metal into the coals.
"Get me something to burn mate I'm bored".... So off I went and found a two piece hammer in a drawer some kid had made..... "Here, burn this"... I tossed it on the coals and it soon turned to molten metal slipping through the coals..... "Fuckin' ace this mate, go get me something else"..... I then found a big square tin of powder coat flux.
"Go on then lad, throw it on"..... So I did, woosh!!! A big ball of fire touched the ceiling melting the gloss ceiling paint. Bits of enflamed paint falling from the ceiling.
My mate was grinning like a Cheshire cat. "I think we better stop mate" I said. "No, good fun this, see what else there is to burn mate".... Teacher was probably having a crafty cig and was nowhere to be seen. I'd gone through most of the cupboards under the tables and noticed Rigby's drawer on his desk was slightly ajar so I opened it to find something that appealed. It was a blue velvet case with his name embossed in gold lettering for passing his degree. Inside was lined in pale blue kid leather holding a solid Silva compass and protractor set.
I nervously took it to my pyromaniac pal to appease his boredom and said - "look at what I've found Dave"..... "What's that mate"?.... "Solid silver compass and protractor. I better put it back before we get into trouble mate"..."Go on lad throw it on"... "Fuck off, I'm putting it back".... "Go on lad, I dare ya"..... "Fuck it!"... On it went. Dave had the flame on it straight away pissing himself in a deranged manner as the silver droplets melted through the coals!...."Shit, we better stop this now mate". I looked at him and he at me. Both gulping like turkeys awaiting their fate at Christmas!. But it was mischievous fun...."Yeah, don't say owt, he'll be back soon mate".
Teacher came back into class shortly after and told us to pack stuff away as it was near end of lesson. Dave and I looked rather sheepish at each other but said nothing.
"Right boys, my compass and protractor set has gone missing, whoever's had it kindly return it or nobody leaves the class"...I think one or two of the other lads had seen us pissing about but I don't think anyone noticed it go on the fire.
We all stood there waiting to leave class and were getting impatient but we were going nowhere till his beloved compass and protractor set was returned to its rightful place. But nobody else knew who had taken it and what happened to it.
"Right lads I repeat, whoever has taken my compass and protractor set please return or nobody is leaving class". His eyes were scanning us like lasers to reveal a chink in our body language. Both myself and Dave looked at the floor to avoid eye contact. Rest of the lads started murmuring in discontentment - "wasn't me sir", "whoever's had it put it back, I need a cig", "come on own up" remarks. He scowled at us, getting angrier by the minute.
"For the third and final time I ask who has taken my compass and protractor set"?.... "I nervously blurted out - "me sir, I took it"..... "We'll put it back boy, then you can all leave class".... "I can't sir"..... "What do you mean you can't"?... "I can't sir. I was bored so I took it from your drawer and burned it on the fire pit"..... "YOU DID WHAT"! ???... "Show me"!... So he marched me over and I showed him the charred silver droplets as evidence. I looked at Dave and noticed him shitting it I'd dob him in but I didn't grass.
He grabbed my throat and frogmarched me 15 yards to the coat hangers next to the door, my tiptoes scraping the floor as he hung the back of my shirt collar on a metal coat hook whilst woman slapping me several times before releasing me. The rest of the class were highly amused heckling each time he smacked me across the face! He was a big strong guy and gave me a good hiding, suppose I deserved it really thinking back.
I never did let the teacher know it wasn't me who did the dreadful deed on his cherished compass and protractor set. As it happens, Mr Rigby was one of the better teachers and I do feel slightly ashamed for my part in what happened that day. But like I say, teachers in my school were mostly cruel bastards.
This song always reminds me of my school days, evoking memories, some good, but mostly bad memories though.
