When was the last time you soiled yourself?

Bluebird1 said:
bluemonday said:
We've all done, burds included. Admit it.
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No, I've never done that!
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My missus dropped a wet one whilst sunbathing on the beach in the med this summer and spattered her hotel beach towel in the process. Luckily the dutch tourists next door were taking a dip in the ocean so she done a quick swap with their identical towel. Job done.
 
Adidas Barry Silkman said:
Bluebird1 said:
No, I've never done that!
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My missus dropped a wet one whilst sunbathing on the beach in the med this summer and spattered her hotel beach towel in the process. Luckily the dutch tourists next door were taking a dip in the ocean so she done a quick swap with their identical towel. Job done.
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Good work by Mrs Silkman, knowing the Dutch they'd have got off on that, the pervy bastards.
 
i puked AND shit at the same time years ago. nothing. not even a blue peter badge.
 
clairepartyring said:
Bluemonday......................get them in the wash or just chuck em!!!!

brief_safe.jpg
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Do they come with last seasons city hoody?
 
bluemonday said:
Adidas Barry Silkman said:
My missus dropped a wet one whilst sunbathing on the beach in the med this summer and spattered her hotel beach towel in the process. Luckily the dutch tourists next door were taking a dip in the ocean so she done a quick swap with their identical towel. Job done.
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Good work by Mrs Silkman, knowing the Dutch they'd have got off on that, the pervy bastards.
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They were skiddy-dipping!
 
There was a post on here a few months ago about a lad who shit the bed and blamed it on his missus who was asleep. It was the funniest thing i've ever read. Someone who knows what their doing find it. Hilarious
 
bluemonday said:
I was out on the lash thursday, friday & saturday, and on sunday afternoon I took my new bird out for lunch (been seeing her for 2 weeks), I was sat at the table while she went to the ladies. While she was gone I thought I'd squeeze a fart out. Well some kind of weird shit-bubble exploded in my jeans and splashed up my lower-back, it stunk to high heaven and it stained my kecks and the bottom of my tshirt.

So i thought bollox this and just left. Went home showered and tried to ring her, but she didn't answer and she hasn't rang me since. I suppose thats the romance over. I'm not arsed really though, at least she won't be able to tell her/my mates that I shit meself.
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I'm not a doctor but I think you might have a medical problem - lol.
 
nothing will ever quite beat the awkard silence as i went down on a girl who i'd been seeing for a couple of weeks and just before i got there...i heard a little 'gulp' noise, the next thing she does is shuffle her arse on the chair and tadaa! a kind of squashed nugget popped out underneath her.. it's smell clearly identifying itself as a bum raisin that wanted to say hello. i looked up, she looked down, we gazed at eachother...not knowing what to say. we were actually both speechless but she was the one who done it so i just thought fuck this and simply said ''i'll clean it up, it's alright'' my words falling out as if trying to consolidate someone whose parents have just killed themselves and blamed her for it in their note.

i went up stairs to get some toilet roll whilst trying my hardest not to laugh and be violently sick at the same time, and no suprises for guessing that once i had got back down stairs, she had left. she was fit as fuck aswell! tried ringing her aswell but to no avail.
 
After a 12 hour drinking session we ended up at a mates house for 4am scotch.I was the last to leave.As i made my way down the street everything started to rumble.I was about 40 foot from his front door but i knew i wouldn't have enough time.
Over the road was an alleyway so i made for it.As i got there my arse gave up.Quickly i started to pull clothing off but i wasn't quick enough.It was everywhere.My trousers,pants and socks(i'd taken the shoes off) were flung down the alley as my arse carried on depositing bum water.Suddenly a security light came on.
It wasn't an alley.It was someones drive entrance.It was quite weird with all this liquid poo coming out of what felt like every hole to see a face staring at me from behind a upper floor window.
Soon it stopped and i then had the messy job of putting my trousers back on.I then rang the missus and asked her to pick me up(i was a good 6 miles from home)and to bring loads of bin bags for me to sit on.
When i told my mate the next day he didn't believe me so he went to check the house over the road and saw a man steam cleaning his garden/driveway walls.
 
BimboBob said:
After a 12 hour drinking session we ended up at a mates house for 4am scotch.I was the last to leave.As i made my way down the street everything started to rumble.I was about 40 foot from his front door but i knew i wouldn't have enough time.
Over the road was an alleyway so i made for it.As i got there my arse gave up.Quickly i started to pull clothing off but i wasn't quick enough.It was everywhere.My trousers,pants and socks(i'd taken the shoes off) were flung down the alley as my arse carried on depositing bum water.Suddenly a security light came on.
It wasn't an alley.It was someones drive entrance.It was quite weird with all this liquid poo coming out of what felt like every hole to see a face staring at me from behind a upper floor window.
Soon it stopped and i then had the messy job of putting my trousers back on.I then rang the missus and asked her to pick me up(i was a good 6 miles from home)and to bring loads of bin bags for me to sit on.
When i told my mate the next day he didn't believe me so he went to check the house over the road and saw a man steam cleaning his garden/driveway walls.
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PMSL
 
BimboBob said:
After a 12 hour drinking session we ended up at a mates house for 4am scotch.I was the last to leave.As i made my way down the street everything started to rumble.I was about 40 foot from his front door but i knew i wouldn't have enough time.
Over the road was an alleyway so i made for it.As i got there my arse gave up.Quickly i started to pull clothing off but i wasn't quick enough.It was everywhere.My trousers,pants and socks(i'd taken the shoes off) were flung down the alley as my arse carried on depositing bum water.Suddenly a security light came on.
It wasn't an alley.It was someones drive entrance.It was quite weird with all this liquid poo coming out of what felt like every hole to see a face staring at me from behind a upper floor window.
Soon it stopped and i then had the messy job of putting my trousers back on.I then rang the missus and asked her to pick me up(i was a good 6 miles from home)and to bring loads of bin bags for me to sit on.
When i told my mate the next day he didn't believe me so he went to check the house over the road and saw a man steam cleaning his garden/driveway walls.
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And there was me going to invite you to the housewarming party !
 
I had a close call on the M62 a few months back. There should be a service-station between Hartshead Moor and Birch IMO. I got "the rumble" and knew that all was not good not long after passing Hartshead Moor. Actually pulled onto the hard shoulder to squat at the side of the car, but the passing lorries beeping their encouragement as they passed me didn't help. Got back into the car, now thinking that I could make it to Birch. The next ten miles were covered in a time that would make Lewis Hamilton proud and I dumped the car as close to the front doors as possible, in a disabled bay and waddled in with my buttocks as tightly clenched as possible and "prepping" myself, whilst my girlfriend was left in the car doubled-up with laughter.
why is it that your arse knows you're getting closer to a toilet and cannot wait ten seconds longer ?
 
honkytonkman187 said:
I had a close call on the M62 a few months back. There should be a service-station between Hartshead Moor and Birch IMO. I got "the rumble" and knew that all was not good not long after passing Hartshead Moor. Actually pulled onto the hard shoulder to squat at the side of the car, but the passing lorries beeping their encouragement as they passed me didn't help. Got back into the car, now thinking that I could make it to Birch. The next ten miles were covered in a time that would make Lewis Hamilton proud and I dumped the car as close to the front doors as possible, in a disabled bay and waddled in with my buttocks as tightly clenched as possible and "prepping" myself, whilst my girlfriend was left in the car doubled-up with laughter.
why is it that your arse knows you're getting closer to a toilet and cannot wait ten seconds longer ?
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And your fingers forget how to undo a belt/buttons etc !
 
I'd just split up with the first missus and went on a bender. At about 3AM I was staggering home and one of those high-pressure, liquid, 10 second warning shits sprang on me. I looked over the wall at the side of the road, but there was a 20ft drop to a river! I tried hurrying along to reach this industrial estate, but the crap was having non of it. Out it blasted, filling my gusset with tangy beer plop. I managed to get the botty-cheek brakes on after passing about 2lb's of excrement and scurried onto the industrial estate, down onto the riverbank and dropped my jeans, tore the sides of my undercrackers and launched the hammock of biz into the river, I finished my shite, then scraped around the riverbank for bits of paper and dock leaves to wipe the disaster area. Suddenly, I noticed the sound of a nearby car. I looked through the bushes and to my horror, saw a fucking police car slowly cruising around the estate, they must have seen me go through the entrance and thought I was on the rob or something! Can you imagine what they'd have made of me? Sarcastic twats. Anyway, I stayed deathly still and quiet and after what seemed like an hour, they fucked off. I staggered off home, threw my jeans in the washing machine on a HOT wash, had a shower and crawled under the duvet non the worse!
 
On my honeymoon unfortunatley.

I was driving across Canada, about ten hour drive through the back of beyond, when the stomach cramps started. My missus was looking at me squirming about in my seat, all pale looking, when I could hold it no longer. I must have let out a slight wimper as she asked me what was wrong, it wasn't one of my proudest moments when I had to say "sorry love, I've think I've just shit myself". I then pulled over at the side of the road, jettisoned my soiled garments before changing and recommencing the next six hours of the journey!

Mrs bluekat is surley one lucky lady!!
 
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