When was the last time you soiled yourself?

Wow, you absolute heathens!

I don't have a first-hand story (thankfully) but I'll never forget the time my brother crapped all over the poshest hotel I've ever stayed in. One of my cousins from the snobby part of the family (darn sarf) was getting married - We were all put up in this hotel where me and our kid found ourselves drinking free beer in an otherwise deserted bar. That went well, but no one suffers a hangover quite like my brother. Later that morning I was awoken by him requesting a bog roll - He'd climbed outside for some fresh air, decided he couldn't climb back in without shitting himself so there it was... being overlooked by maybe 50 other rooms.

Couple of hours later I'm in the lobby with everyone saying their goodbyes when our kid, the legend, comes rushing through, barging everyone out the way, dashes outside and shites all over the pretty flowers, again!

When the other cousin from that same family got married, only our parents got an invite.
 
Never soiled myself but nye 2001 wasted + kebab + stay at gf (now ex) parents = shitting in the bath. We got back after a decent night, I needed a shit. Pissed up went looking for the bathroom - I found it. Now growing up I never had the toilet in a side room next to the bath room, what a stupid idea. So pissed up and confused that there is only a sink and a bath I put my ass over the side of the bath and curled one out. Went bed and was rudely awoken in the morning by her mum screaming....
 
Not sure if entirely true but here's what my aunt told me. She and her sister stayed winters in Gran Canaria to get away from the polar hell-hole which is Norway. Being long-time residents they were accustomed to the local bacterial fauna but not everyone else at the hotel was. A gentleman they struck up conversation with told them how he had got the sudden shits of the explosive kind one day in his hotel-room. Reportedly of the kind that you know you don't even have the necessary seconds to cross the floor and reach toilet haven. But being a quick-witted fellow he grabbed a nearby sock and managed to dump the major parts of his bowels content into it. Some spillage but major disaster averted it would seem. Now for the sock filled to the brim he just as quickly reasoned it would have to go and as luck would have it he had a room facing the backyard of the hotel. A quick overhead swing like a true warrior with his slingshot and out it went. Then he realizes the sock actually had a little hole in it and he has managed to paint the walls and floor with some very decorative stripes of purest brown. According to my aunt the maid at the hotel had refused the extra tip for cleaning up the mess, all she wanted was for him to tell how the hell he had managed to to do that.
 
went to the kids sports day a couple of years ago, got there a it early so just sat in car waiting. Got the cramps, buttocks tightly clenched with the missus laughing her head off as i'm pleading with her for something to dump my load in, she passes me a carrier bag,tescos I think, which I place on my drivers seat,drop my kecks and start shitting in it as school kids are passing 30 yards away and the missus in hysterics outside the car. Deciding the right thing to do was take slop filled bag home clean up and get back asap,so with my mess in the passenger footwell the missus gets in the back of the car and puts her head inside her jacket to avoid the stench, her jacket not providing adequate protection she then throws up with her head in her jacket, at this point i'm feeling much better and able to return the laughter, still haven't told the kids why we missed their first race
 
right ive got it.......im going down hard shoulder....... that whiskey nose **** got away with it....

No matter how many times I revisit this thread this line never fails to make me laugh.
 
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