Joke thread

Teacher: Maria, please go to the map and find America.
Maria: Here it is.
Teacher: Correct. Now, class, tell me who discovered America?
Class: Maria.

Teacher: What do you call a person who carries on talking when you are no longer interested?
Johnny: A teacher.
 
It was 1962 . Mike goes to pick up his date, Molly.

Molly’s father Samuel opens the door and invites him in.

He asks to Mike what they’re planning to do on the date.

Mike politely responds that they’ll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Molly’s father suggests, “Why don’t you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.”

Mike was bewildered. “Excuse me, sir?”

“Oh yes, Molly really likes to screw. She’ll screw all night if we let her.”

Molly comes downstairs and announces that she’s ready to go.

About 15 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Molly rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and shouts at her father, “Dad! The Twist! It’s called the Twist!"
 
A man was leaving a cafe when he noticed an unusual funeral.
A funeral Coffin was followed by a second one. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog.
Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line.
The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied, "That first coffin is for my wife."
"What happened to her?"
"My dog attacked and killed her."
"Well, who is in the second coffin?"
My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also."
A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
Then the man asks in excitement, "Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Join the queue.
 
A man was leaving a cafe when he noticed an unusual funeral.
A funeral Coffin was followed by a second one. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog.
Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line.
The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied, "That first coffin is for my wife."
"What happened to her?"
"My dog attacked and killed her."
"Well, who is in the second coffin?"
My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also."
A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
Then the man asks in excitement, "Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Join the queue.
Lol
 
I woke up in the hospital badly beaten up, the doctor asked me what the last thing was I remembered. I said I was sat on the couch when the wife said she'd bagged up a couple of bags full of clothes for me to take to the charity shop. I said I couldn't be bothered and would just stick them in the bin. she then admonished me about people starving in the world and that they were to go to the charity shop. I said "listen love, if they fit into your clothes they ain't starving"
 
A woman walks into a BMW Dealers. She browses around, spots the Top-of-the-range Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she mistakenly breaks wind.

She felt very ashamed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a salesman doesn’t pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare comes true in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool like Johnny Depp and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady With, “Good day, Madame. How may I help you today?” Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her accident, she asks, “Sir, what is the price of this lovely car?”

Salesman answers, “Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."
 
A woman walks into a BMW Dealers. She browses around, spots the Top-of-the-range Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she mistakenly breaks wind.

She felt very ashamed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a salesman doesn’t pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare comes true in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool like Johnny Depp and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady With, “Good day, Madame. How may I help you today?” Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her accident, she asks, “Sir, what is the price of this lovely car?”

Salesman answers, “Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."

That's appalling and funny in equal measure
 

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