East Level 2
Well-Known Member
Admission of guilt, can't do maths or Clarkie?
Joke thread
- Thread starter mrcunny
- Start date
Bill Walker
Well-Known Member
It is Haha!
Paddy and Mick walking down a street in London. Paddy looks in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye. The sign said:
"Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per pair".
Paddy says to his pal, "Mick, Look! We could buy a whole load and when we get back to Ireland, we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my best English accent.'
'Roight y'are, Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will.' says Mick.
They go in and Paddy says, "I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up my truck and ......."
The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're from Ireland, aren't you?"
"Well...yes," says a surprised Paddy. "How d' y' know dat?"
The owner says, "This is a dry cleaners."
casserole of nonsense
Well-Known Member
It's the day before Christmas. Harry the milkman arrives at No 68 to find Mrs Jones waiting on the doorstep in only her dressing gown. She beckons Harry inside, takes him straight upstairs and shags the daylights out of him for two hours. She then takes him downstairs again and cooks him a full English breakfast. She tells him he has to go now, but gives him a fiver on his way back out of the door. Harry pauses a moment and asks why the shag, the breakfast and the fiver? Mrs Jones replies, "Well, I was talking to my husband last night and I asked him what he thought Harry the milkman would expect for his Christmas bonus. My husband said "The milkman? Fuck him, he'll be lucky if we give him a fiver". The breakfast was my idea".
jimharri
Moderator
An engineer dies and goes to hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The air conditioning has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels.
One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up?
The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer."
"What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately."
The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him."
God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!"
The Devil laughs. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"
One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up?
The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer."
"What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately."
The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him."
God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!"
The Devil laughs. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"
chris63
Well-Known Member
An old woman visits the doctor for a routine check-up.
"Doctor, I have constant gas, but the farts are always silent and they don't stink!"
The doctor prescribes her some pills and sends her on her way.
Two weeks later she returns for a follow-up.
"Doctor, I still have constant silent farts, but now they stink!"
Doctor replies, "Alright, so we have cleared out those sinuses, now for your hearing..."
"Doctor, I have constant gas, but the farts are always silent and they don't stink!"
The doctor prescribes her some pills and sends her on her way.
Two weeks later she returns for a follow-up.
"Doctor, I still have constant silent farts, but now they stink!"
Doctor replies, "Alright, so we have cleared out those sinuses, now for your hearing..."
Mad Eyed Screamer
Moderator
A woman goes to the police station and says ''I have been graped''
The cop says ''don't you mean raped?''
''No'' says the woman, adding ''there was a bunch of them''
The cop says ''don't you mean raped?''
''No'' says the woman, adding ''there was a bunch of them''
LWashington
Well-Known Member
Two men are shopping in a supermarket when they reverse their trolleys into each other.
The first says,"Sorry about that, I've lost my wife and was looking for her".
"That's a coincidence, I can't find mine and was looking for her too". Replies the second.
"Maybe we can search together?" asks the first, What does your wife look like?"
The second man says " My wife is 20 years old, slim with long blonde hair down to her waist. She's wearing a light-blue bikini top and small white shorts. What does yours look like?"
The first man says "Fuck My Wife, let's look for yours".
The first says,"Sorry about that, I've lost my wife and was looking for her".
"That's a coincidence, I can't find mine and was looking for her too". Replies the second.
"Maybe we can search together?" asks the first, What does your wife look like?"
The second man says " My wife is 20 years old, slim with long blonde hair down to her waist. She's wearing a light-blue bikini top and small white shorts. What does yours look like?"
The first man says "Fuck My Wife, let's look for yours".
dickie davies
Well-Known Member
There's been trouble at my local theatre
During a performance of Aladdin, the lead actor was anally raped by the gay genie!!
The audience did warn him
During a performance of Aladdin, the lead actor was anally raped by the gay genie!!
The audience did warn him
dronefromsector7G
Well-Known Member
I’m involved in a new documentary about plane hijackers. We’ve just shot the pilot.
jimharri
Moderator
I've eventually landed that job at the new Citroën factory on the outskirts of town. But Christ, they didn't half make me jump through hoops to get the job. I even had to send in 2 CVs.
chris63
Well-Known Member
goalmole
Well-Known Member
Personally, I found it a lot funnier with the pallet only falling 20ft.
jimharri
Moderator
This guy keeps ringing me up and asking for Prince Charming.
Every time I've told him there's no here by that name , but he's adamant.
Every time I've told him there's no here by that name , but he's adamant.
chris63
Well-Known Member
Zuriblue
Well-Known Member
Anybody here know how to cancel an eBay bid?
I put €5 on a cowboy outfit and in 5 minutes I’m going to own the Conservative party.
I put €5 on a cowboy outfit and in 5 minutes I’m going to own the Conservative party.
BackofJeanette
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 20 Apr 2011
- Messages
- 1,652
A small boy named Dave lived in the local village . None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him "Dave… you are driving me crazy!!!!!"
One day Dave’s mother came into school to check on how he was doing.
The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and even she had never seen such a stupid boy in her entire teaching career!!!!
The mother was shocked at this feedback and withdrew her son from the school & even moved to another town!!!!!
25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an acute cardio disease!
All the doctors strongly advised her to have an open heart operation, of which only one surgeon could perform...... Left with no other options, the teacher finally decided to have the operation, which was successful......
When she eventually opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a tall handsome Doctor smiling down at her! She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died!
The Doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw Dave, working as a cleaner in the Hospital Ward, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment to connect his Vacuum!!!!!
Don't tell me you thought that Dave became a fuckin doctor!
One day Dave’s mother came into school to check on how he was doing.
The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and even she had never seen such a stupid boy in her entire teaching career!!!!
The mother was shocked at this feedback and withdrew her son from the school & even moved to another town!!!!!
25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an acute cardio disease!
All the doctors strongly advised her to have an open heart operation, of which only one surgeon could perform...... Left with no other options, the teacher finally decided to have the operation, which was successful......
When she eventually opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a tall handsome Doctor smiling down at her! She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died!
The Doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw Dave, working as a cleaner in the Hospital Ward, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment to connect his Vacuum!!!!!
Don't tell me you thought that Dave became a fuckin doctor!
sir baconface
Well-Known Member
Of course not. Have you ever met a doctor with an English-sounding name?
jimharri
Moderator
The pope is handing out miracles to sick children in Liverpool. Little Johnny walks on stage and asks "Can you help with my hearing?"
The pope says "Yes" & puts his hands on Johnny's ears, then prays, removes his hands and says "How is your hearing now"
Johnny says "I don't know, its not 'til next wednesday"
The pope says "Yes" & puts his hands on Johnny's ears, then prays, removes his hands and says "How is your hearing now"
Johnny says "I don't know, its not 'til next wednesday"
mosssideblue
Well-Known Member
Very good. Keep them coming Jim