Joke thread

BackofJeanette said:
Englishman: "That your dog?"
Welshman: "Aye"
Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?'
Welshman: "Dog don't talk.”
Englishman: Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doing all right."
Welshman: (look of shock)
Englishman: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the Welshman)
Dog: "Yep."
Englishman: How's he treating you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the park once a week to play."
Welshman: (Look of total disbelief!)
Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Welshman: "Horse don't talk.”
Englishman: "Hey horse how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Welshman: (Extreme look of shock!)
Englishman: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Welshman)
Horse: "Yep."
Englishman: "How's he treating you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a nice stable to protect me from the weather."
Welshman: (Look of total amazement!)
Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?
Welshman: "That sheep's a fucking liar!!”
Click to expand...
not sure ,but this joke might be racist?
 
Mick spotted Paddy walking down a country lane one Sunday morning with a bag on one shoulder, and an air rifle on the other.

Mick: "If I guess how many rabbits you've got in your bag Paddy can I have one mate"?

Paddy: "if you guess how many rabbits I've got in my bag Mick you can have them both.

Mick: "Is there 3 paddy"?
 
A bloke called his friend up and said
''Last night I achieved my ultimate sexual fantasy - I shagged twins!''
His friend was suitably impressed
''Sounds fantastic, were you able to tell them apart so you knew what you were doing to each one?''
''Yes'', replied the bloke, ''Samantha had a gorgeous pair of boobs and Andrew had a beard''.
 
Mad Eyed Screamer said:
A bloke called his friend up and said
''Last night I achieved my ultimate sexual fantasy - I shagged twins!''
His friend was suitably impressed
''Sounds fantastic, were you able to tell them apart so you knew what you were doing to each one?''
''Yes'', replied the bloke, ''Samantha had a gorgeous pair of boobs and Andrew had a beard''.
Click to expand...

We heard you the first time except it was you who were shagging them

Mad Eyed Screamer said:
I was telling my mate last night that I finally achieved my ultimate fantasy in shagging identical twins.
He asked me if I was able to tell them apart - if I knew which one I was shagging each time.
''Yes'', I replied, ''Samantha had a cracking pair of tits and Simon had a beard.''
Click to expand...
 
Teacher says to class, " ok children today is letter day."

She points to Little Johnny at the back, " Johnny, today's letter is N.
Tell me something you are no good at beginning with N".

" Spelling Miss".
 
Missing the joke thread, so here’s a contribution:

I delivered a package to a farm the other day and the farmer was by a pig sty so I gave him the package, then noticed a pig with a wooden leg. “There’s something you don’t see every day” I said, “that there is a special pig” says the farmer “saved my life he did” so I asked him to tell me the story.

“I was in the barn when it caught fire, I was trapped but that pig broke down the door and grabbed me by the collar of my overalls and pulled me to safety. I was unconscious, so he ran to the farmhouse and got my wife, who called an ambulance and I’m here to tell the tale”.

“But that doesn’t explain why he has a wooden leg” I said, he replied “when a pig is that clever, you don’t eat him all at once...”

I thank you!
 
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
 
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