Joke thread

I went to a fancy dress ball with custard in one ear & jelly in the other. Man on the door said "What are you supposed to be?" and I said "Speak up! I'm a trifle deaf"

I went to another do with my manhood buried in a tin of biscuits. The doorman said "You're fucking crackers!"

I went to another with a condom over my nose. Doorman said "What are you supposed to be?" and I replied "Fuck nose"

I know, 1978 wants its jokes back............
 
Ancient Citizen said:
Courtesy of the late great Tommy Cooper that one;)
Here's another:-

I told the doctor ''I think I've broken my leg in three places.''
He said, ''Yes Mr Whelan you have told us all about the 1960 FA Cup Final on numerous occasions already.........''
Click to expand...
Slight amendment - I believe this was the original wording......... ;-)
 
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and a giraffe? Sill no idea at all mate?
Should this thread be renamed 'worst cracker jokes'?
 
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them £50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the bloke replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Premier Inn charges £100. The Hilton charges £150. We do it here for £50...and I get £43 back from BUPA".
 
Was on my stag doo in Benidorm recently.
We're all in this bar and talking to a gang of girls on a hen doo,i end up talking to a big un.
After about30 mins,she starts talking a bit dirty,another 10 mins goes by,shes getting worse.
she says "i want something in my mouth tonight"
i say " oh right,really"?.....she says "Yeah,i'll give you a clue...it's got 4 letters in it and starts with C....can you guess"?
I looked her up and down and says "Cake"?
 
SPIDERBOY said:
Was on my stag doo in Benidorm recently.
We're all in this bar and talking to a gang of girls on a hen doo,i end up talking to a big un.
After about30 mins,she starts talking a bit dirty,another 10 mins goes by,shes getting worse.
she says "i want something in my mouth tonight"
i say " oh right,really"?.....she says "Yeah,i'll give you a clue...it's got 4 letters in it and starts with C....can you guess"?
I looked her up and down and says "Cake"?
Click to expand...
She was a lesbian? Oh wait, cock, makes sense now :-)
 
Paddys wife has not had an orgasm for the 15 yrs they have been married .
The doctor suggests that she may be overheating during sex and a cool breeze may help .
Being a bit tight , he decides not to by a fan , but asks his friend to waft a towel over them during the act .
After half an hour still no sign of success so his mate suggests swapping places . ' I'll have a try Paddy , you waft the towel '
Paddy agrees , and after two or three minutes Paddys wife has a moment of sexual pleasure for the first time in 15 years .
Paddy turns to his mate smugly and says 'And that old mate is how you waft a bloody towel' !
 
A Jewish guy went shopping to Asda. After walking round thinking it was expensive, he decided to have a word with the store manager... "Excuse me, I thought this supermarket was supposed to be cheap, and what are these roll backs supposed to mean?"...The manager replied "yes sir, we are always checking our prices against our competitors. When we find their prices are cheaper we roll ours back"... Quick as a flash the Jewish quy unzipped his fly and pulled his knob out saying "I bet you can't roll this back".
 
DrBlueBob said:
Actually your user name makes me nostalgic. Watch Tom & Jerry cartoons we would all shout "Good old Fred!" when your name came up on screen.
In a similar vein I keep meaning to reply S.C.M.O.D.S. every time @The Light Was Yellow Sir posts
Click to expand...
You wouldn’t find an old Mount Prospect police car without it!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Unread Posts

Don't have an account? Register now and see fewer ads!

SIGN UP
Back
Top