Joke thread

[Alan Harper's Tash]

Why did the surrealist cross the road?

Banana

 

[TheRemainsOfTheDave]

Sixteen atoms of Sodium walk into a bar ... followed by Batman.

 

[jimharri]

This is brilliant ...


‘ A man died on his way to work, crossing the road - a bus hit him going 84mph,
The bus driver jumps out ‘sorry mate , didn’t see you there ‘ ... the guy lying down says ‘Before I pass away ... please tell my loved ones one thing ...’

Ok says the Bus driver what is it ..?

The man says ‘tell them that I love them and I have left them a letter in the cuckoo clock in the lounge ‘ ... the man dies.

The bus driver phones the victims family the next day ... and tells them the tragic news and mentions the letter for them to read ‘...

The family all weep and cry and tell story’s of the man who meant so much for them , his name was Peter who owned a farm full of sheep and cows and loved Phill Collins.

Peters wife Mary decides to wait till after the funeral to read the letter ...

At the funeral, Peters many friends and family all show their condolences as Peter goes into the burning furnace, they depart to the sounds of Peters favourite song ‘I can’t dance’

A couple of weeks pass and Mary still can’t bring herself to open the letter ... she tends to Peters cows and sheep in the meantime, there 2 sons John and Andrew also help their Mother with day to day duties.

Finally... around the dinner table - Mary says to Andrew, ‘we have not spoken about your dad much, but I’ve meaning to tell you - he has left us a letter, it is in the cuckoo clock in the living room ... would you like to go and get it ...’yes’ says Andrew , a little bemused.

Andrew goes and gets the letter ... it is sealed carefully, ‘’should we wait for John to be here before opening he says to his Mum ? .. ok’’ says Mary

They wait a couple of hours for John to arrive.

Finally he walks through the door, ‘brother, says Andrew ‘we have a letter from Dad - would you like to see what is says ? ‘Yes’ says John .. ‘let me go and have a quick shower then we will see what it says ‘

John goes and has a shower and comes back downstairs...

All the family are gathered in the living room, outside - the wind is howling and the rain begins to fall.

Mary opens the letter. It reads ...

‘Dear Mary, Andrew and John

If you are reading this. It means I am dead.’

(... Andrew and John begins to cry. Mary continues ..)

For years I’ve looked after cows and sheep and listened to Genesis greatest hits but I must confess .. this whole joke is a load of bollocks and a complete waste of your time. Stick it on Bluemoon.Thanks. ‘

Love Dad ‘

Mary, John and Andrew leave the room and have a massive orgy. One of the cows peeks his head in the open window.. before going back to chew on the moist grass.

And people criticised me?

 

[bluebaja]

Scientists have long suspected that Beer contains female hormones, and a large scale research project has recently confirmed this theory.

Researchers took 1,000 men and made each of them drink 10 pints of Old Peculier. As suspected, within 2 hours they were all talking complete shite and couldn't drive properly.

 

[Chippy_boy]

Immediate site ban

 

[Sid C]

I caught my Sister masturbating with a carrot.

I said, “stop that, I was going to eat that later. Now it’s just going to taste of carrots.”

 

[Onholiday(somemightsay)]

I caught my Sister masturbating with a carrot.

I said, “stop that, I was going to eat that later. Now it’s just going to taste of carrots.”

I have to admit, it did make me laugh

 

[East Level 2]

Sixteen atoms of Sodium walk into a bar ... followed by Batman.

Arf.

 

[Tuearts right boot]

Bloke decides to have a vasectomy, mainly because he doesn't want children anymore. Not happy when he returns home and finds them still there.....

made me laugh, care of Radio 2 this morning.

 

[lefty goldblatt]

Sixteen atoms of Sodium walk into a bar ... followed by Batman.

Not bad, but prefer this version

It's me and the missus anniversary today, and I'm reminded of our first 8 dates, and a visit to the pictures, to see a superhero film

Dinner
Dinner
Dinner
Dinner
Dinner
Dinner
Dinner
Dinner
Batman

 

[Blue_eyes]

The Atlantic 1941, a lone German U boat is being hunted by the royal navy,s new submarine destroyers after sinking shipping bringing supplies to Britain. SILENT RUNNING, orders the captain as the destroyers gather above, total silence is observed by all, beads of sweat run down exhausted faces as the echo sounder signals destroyers directly above.Suddenly, breaking the silence, there is a metallic tinkling noise from within the bowels of the sub that seems to get faster, then slower, and fast again but not letting up.MEIN GOTT, hisses the captain to the first mate, ffs go and find out what that noise is before we are sunk.So the first mate goes to find out what it is, after a few minutes the tinkling noise stops, thank fck thinks the captain we are saved, then the first mate returns. What the hell was it? asks the captain, well, says the first mate I tracked it down to the kitchen where the head cook was having a wank and his cufflinks were hitting the side of the ships hull, well thank god you made him stop retorts the captain. Oh, says the first mate, he wouldnt stop.............. but I got him to take his cufflinks off.

 

[1.618034]

I've just met a Chinese drug addict.

He said, "Have you seen my cocaine?"

I said, "Not since he starred in Zulu."

 

[Blue_eyes]

Two young nuns riding their pushbikes along a cobblestone alley not far from the convent. Have you ever come this way before? pants one to the other.

 

[FantasyIreland]

Two young nuns riding their pushbikes along a cobblestone alley not far from the convent. Have you ever come this way before? pants one to the other.

1983 wants its joke back

 

[manclad]

I've just met a Chinese drug addict.

He said, "Have you seen my cocaine?"

I said, "Not since he starred in Zulu."

Funniest joke I have read for a long time. Absolutely brilliant.!!!!

 

[jimharri]

Bloke went into a pet shop to buy 12 bees. The assistant counted out 13 and handed them over to the customer.
"But; I only wanted 12", he said.
"That's okay", the assistant replied, "the thirteenth one is a freebie".

 

[Zubrman]

The three unwritten rules in life are:
1)
2)
3)

 

[Tuearts right boot]

Arf.

Can't believe it's taken me 4 days to get that one.


Very good.

 

[Big Swifty]

A man goes to see a lawyer and asks "How much do you charge to answer three questions?"

Lawyer: "£2,000"

Man: "Don't you think that's rather a lot of money?"

Lawyer: "No, I don't. What's your third question?"

Not very funny or new but I haven't posted for a while and I want people to like me.

 

[manchester blue]

Can't believe it's taken me 4 days to get that one.


Very good.

I’m still working on it!