Joke thread

[Onholiday(somemightsay)]

Be gentle with me.....

Colin Bell decides to come out of retirement and play for Man City, he goes into the changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.
"What's up?" He asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Man U. They're crap and we can't be bothered".
Colin looks at them and says "Well I know I'm a bit fat and old, but I reckon I can beat them by myself, you lads go down the pub."
So Colin goes out to play Man U by himself and the rest of the City team go off for a few beers. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the TV on. A big cheer goes up as the screen shows
"Man City 1 (Bell 10 minutes) – Man U 0
He is beating Man U all by himself! Anyway, a few more beers later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on" They put the TV on.
"Result from The Etihad Man City 1 (Bell 10 minutes) – Man U 1 (Pogba 89 minutes)
They can't believe it, he has single handed got a draw against Man U! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.
He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down I've let you down"
"Don't be stupid Colin, you got a draw against Man U all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end!"
Colin says "No, No, I have, I've let you down!. I got sent off after 12 minutes!!!

That jokes older than the Quran..... ;-)

 

[Indaparkside]

Little lad goes to his dad ?? Ey dad where do i come from my mum said the mop bucket"eye son he replies, thats about the fucking size of it.

 

[Daz_Blue]

That jokes older than the Quran..... ;-)

Isn't that imitation meat for vegetarians ?

 

[Indaparkside]

I've just been blocked on twitter by Gary Barlow.

Whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn't mean it.

Your admiting you know the words?? Please don't come back for good

 

[Onholiday(somemightsay)]

Isn't that imitation meat for vegetarians ?

Well this is the joke thread........

 

[dronefromsector7G]

Had my first UFO experience this morning. I walked into the kitchen and said to the missus, "Morning you ugly bitch." Next thing there were flying saucers coming at me from everywhere!

 

[snorky]

Why did Jesus cross the road?
Cos he was nailed to the fuckin chicken.

 

[PannickAtTheDisco]

Did you hear about Virgil?

He's the 3rd best player in the world apparently.

 

[sir baconface]

Had my first UFO experience this morning. I walked into the kitchen and said to the missus, "Morning you ugly bitch." Next thing there were flying saucers coming at me from everywhere!

My oriental friend asks if there were any frying pans?

 

[KS55]

My oriental friend asks if there were any frying pans?

That woks for me

 

[swpswp]

That woks for me

That was soy obvious.

 

[aguero93:20]

What's the difference between a giraffe and a JCB? One's got hydraulics, the other's got high bollocks.



Thank you, thank you. Don't clap, just throw money.

I find 20c coins give the best weight/value ratio in this circumstance although I know the old firm are big believers in the £1 coin...

 

[PannickAtTheDisco]

That was soy obvious.

you lot are crackers.

 

[dronefromsector7G]

you lot are crackers.

I know my joke led to these puns but I was never wonton this to happen

 

[urban genie]

 

[KS55]

We are proud to announce that these puns are sponsored by our official noodle partner.

 

[crazyg]

I went down town yesterday to a classical music shop off deansgate

when i got there it was closed with a sign on the window

" Gone Chopin
Bach in a minuet "

You didn't read it all. At the bottom it read:

Offenbach sooner.

 

[Tuearts right boot]

Serious one here....We have two Jehovahs witnesses at work, both 20 y/o girls and last week two of the other girls were discussing blown jobs during a tea break. Being very naive and not in the way of the world neither of the JWs could understand how...' blowing onto one of those things... could give pleasure '


There was coffee everywhere.

 

[dickie davies]

November last year wants its joke back

A bloke was walking down the street with four penguins and a policeman told him to take them to the zoo.

The next day the same bloke still had four penguins but with sunglasses on. The police man said, "I thought I told you to take them to the zoo."

"I did," he said. "And today I'm taking them to the beach."

 

[urban genie]

November last year wants its joke back

Tell that to Andy Morrison ;-)