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Joke thread
- Thread starter mrcunny
- Start date
jimharri
Moderator
An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Wyoming. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife; "Notice anything different about me Margie?"
Margaret looked him over. "Nope''. Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW
BOOTS!"
Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Should have bought a hat, Bert."
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife; "Notice anything different about me Margie?"
Margaret looked him over. "Nope''. Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW
BOOTS!"
Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Should have bought a hat, Bert."
paphos-mcfc
Well-Known Member
Lavinda Past said:garymj said:quasimodo lying, dying on the steps of notre dame, "esmerelda, when I said toss me off, I did'nt mean to toss me off",
Was he still alive when she eventually got down from the bell tower, or did she just have super hearing?
I need to know.
What's ole Quasi got in common with sperm????
They both cling to the bellend.
brass neck
Well-Known Member
The Haircut...
Blessed are those that can give without remembering, and take without forgetting.
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you ' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it!
Blessed are those that can give without remembering, and take without forgetting.
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you ' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it!
skyblue1894
Well-Known Member
When I was a lad my mother would send me down
to the corner shop with a pound note and I'd come
back with 5 potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of
milk, a chunk of cheese, a box of tea bags and 6 eggs.
You can't do that now............................................
Too many security cameras
to the corner shop with a pound note and I'd come
back with 5 potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of
milk, a chunk of cheese, a box of tea bags and 6 eggs.
You can't do that now............................................
Too many security cameras
jimbopm
Well-Known Member
Andy Murray has changed his mind about having a female coach...
He's appointed Amelie Mauresmo instead.
He's appointed Amelie Mauresmo instead.
oakiecokie
Well-Known Member
The missus came home and said "Notice anything different ?".
"You`ve had you hair done" I said.
"No !!"
"New dress ?"
"Fuck off its 7 years old"
"You`ve had your teeth whitened ?"
"I`m wearing a fucking gas mask !!!!!!!!!!" she screamed.
"You`ve had you hair done" I said.
"No !!"
"New dress ?"
"Fuck off its 7 years old"
"You`ve had your teeth whitened ?"
"I`m wearing a fucking gas mask !!!!!!!!!!" she screamed.
mammutly
Well-Known Member
BimboBob said:Memorable dates in Manchester City's Illustrious History:
1937: Division 1 Title Winners for the first time, under Wilf Wild
1956: FA Cup Winners under Les McDowall
1968: Division 1 Title Winners under Joe Mercer
1969: FA Cup Winners under Joe Mercer
1983: Yaya Toure is born
1984: Yaya Toure's 1st Birthday
1985: Yaya Toure's 2nd Birthday
1986: Yaya Toure's 3rd Birthday
1987: Yaya Toure's 4th Birthday
1988: Yaya Toure's 5th Birthday
1989: Yaya Toure's 6th Birthday
1990: Yaya Toure's 7th Birthday
1991: Yaya Toure's 8th Birthday
1992: Yaya Toure's 9th Birthday
1993: Yaya Toure's 10th Birthday
1994: Yaya Toure's 11th Birthday
1995: Yaya Toure's 12th Birthday
1996: Yaya Toure's 13th Birthday
1997: Yaya Toure's 14th Birthday
1998: Yaya Toure's 15th Birthday
1999: Yaya Toure's 16th Birthday
2000: Yaya Toure's 17th Birthday
2001: Yaya Toure's 18th Birthday
2002: Yaya Toure's 19th Birthday
2003: Yaya Toure's 20th Birthday
2004: Yaya Toure's 21st Birthday
2005: Yaya Toure's 22nd Birthday
2006: Yaya Toure's 23rd Birthday
2007: Yaya Toure's 24th Birthday
2008: Yaya Toure's 25th Birthday
2009: Yaya Toure's 26th Birthday
2010: Yaya Toure's 27th Birthday
2011: Yaya Toure's 28th Birthday; FA Cup Winners under Roberto Mancini
2012: Yaya Toure's 29th Birthday; Premier League Champions under Roberto Mancini
2013: Yaya Toure's 30th Birthday
2014: Yaya Toure's 31st Birthday; Premier League Champions under Manuel Pellegrini
Strange to think that YaYa was only 7 when we won nothing in 1990