Joke thread

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A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all die. They all arrive at heaven wanting to enter the pearly gates.
St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.
St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says, "Then dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"

The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle with that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her arse in it"...
 
Fella and his Mrs go to the docs for the results of her blood tests after she felt unwell

Doc: “well we have the results but they’ve been mixed up, what I can tell you is you either have heart disease or AIDS”

Husband: “what do we do?”

Doc: “send her on a 5 mile jog and if she comes back don’t fuck her”
 
A bloke with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large Engineering firm when he left the Army.

The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we’re afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I’m sorry...we can’t hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I’ll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So he reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that’s all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanising all over the country!"

"Womanising? What do you mean? I’m a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a Chemist shop, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
 
Bloke driving down the road with a van full of monkeys on a delivery to the zoo.
Van breaks down.
Luckily Paddy is behind him in an empty van.
Bloke flags Paddy down.
"Paddy I'll give you 50 quid if you take these monkeys to the zoo".
"Ok no problem ".
4 hours later the bloke is still waiting for the AA to arrive and he sees Paddy coming back along the road with the van full of monkeys.
He jumps across the road and flags Paddy down.
"Fucks sake Paddy , I gave you 50 quid to take the monkeys to the zoo".
Paddy - "I did but I've got some money left over so now were off to the cinema ".
 
Turks Head Again said:
Bloke driving down the road with a van full of monkeys on a delivery to the zoo.
Van breaks down.
Luckily Paddy is behind him in an empty van.
Bloke flags Paddy down.
"Paddy I'll give you 50 quid if you take these monkeys to the zoo".
"Ok no problem ".
4 hours later the bloke is still waiting for the AA to arrive and he sees Paddy coming back along the road with the van full of monkeys.
He jumps across the road and flags Paddy down.
"Fucks sake Paddy , I gave you 50 quid to take the monkeys to the zoo".
Paddy - "I did but I've got some money left over so now were off to the cinema ".
Click to expand...


I take it you haven't bothered reading the last few pages !!
 
A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.

As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.

Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbour, get outta here."

The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour, it was the Japanese".

"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.

In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."

Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."

The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."
 
Fella walks into a bar and orders nine whiskey’s, he lines them up and drinks the first, third, fifth, seventh and ninth. He was just about to leave and the barman says, “are you leaving the other drinks”

Fella says “oh yes, I’ve been drinking far too much and the doctor said I should only have the odd drink now”.
 
hammocity said:
Fella walks into a bar and orders nine whiskey’s, he lines them up and drinks the first, third, fifth, seventh and ninth. He was just about to leave and the barman says, “are you leaving the other drinks”

Fella says “oh yes, I’ve been drinking far too much and the doctor said I should only have the odd drink now”.
Click to expand...
And people criticise MY jokes?
 
A man goes to his doctor because his arms and legs have turned cold and blue.
After a series of blood tests the doctor calls him back him and says "I've got some bad news. You have a rare viral, vascular disease, this is a new strain and it's the first recorded case we're naming it Blue235, you're estimated to have less than 24 hours to live."
That night the man thinks "Fuck It" and goes to his local working men's club for a final session.
He drinks heavily but in the meantime wins every game of bingo including the monthy jackpot. Then he has a quid in both the fruit machines and takes the jackpot from both.
The barman notices this and approaches the man and says "Wow your very lucky tonight!"
The man answers, "Lucky!, Lucky! I have fucking Blue235!"
The barman replies "Lucky **** you've only won the raffle aswell!!"
 
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