Joke thread

jimharri said:
Keith and his wife are struggling financially, so they decide that
she'll try being a call girl.She's notquite sure what to do, so Keith says,
"Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him you charge £100. Any questions and I'll be parked around the corner."

She stands outside the bar for about five minutes showing her leg, when a
guy pulls up and asks "How much?" She says, "£100." He replies,
"All I've got is £30."

She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Keith and asks. "The bloke only has £30; what can he
get for that?"

"A hand job," Keith replied. She runs back and tell the guy all he gets for £30 is a hand job.

He agrees and she gets in the car. He unzips his trousers, and out pops this bloody
huge penis. She stares at it for a few seconds, then says. "I'll be right
back." She runs back to Keith.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

"Any chance you could lend this guy seventy Quid?"
Click to expand...


At least wait more than two pages before repeating a joke
 
I opened the door today to a scouse meter reader. He said - "Eh la, can I come in and read your meter boss"?
I said "come in, put your arms above your head and keep clapping till I tell ya to stop"
"Why do you want me to do that la"?
"So you don't fuckin' rob me ya scouse tw@t"!
 
From Private Eye:-

“The reality really couldn’t be further from the truth”
Naomi Smith
LBC

“Play has stopped for rain and the battens have been hatched”
JIM MAXWELL
Radio 4

“Lucy Bronze says she’s ecstatic and super-humbled after becoming the first English player, male or female, to be named Uefa Women’s Player of the Year”
JACQUI OATLEY
Radio 4

“He’ll be licking his tongue there”
MARK CHAPMAN
Radio 5 Live

“Make sure that you get back up one more time than you have been knocked down”
MICHAEL HOLDING
Sky Sports
 
A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before on why you were speeding, I'll let you go."

The old man replied - "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back."!
 
BlueMoonRisin' said:
A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before on why you were speeding, I'll let you go."

The old man replied - "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back."!
Click to expand...
Back in the 70’s in South Africa there was a curfew against the blacks where they couldn’t be on the streets after 8pm. Two racist cops were on patrol at 7:45 when a local black lad was cycling, peddling like billyho to get home. One of the policemen raised his gun and shot the cyclist in his leg and arrested him. The black lad said “its 15 minutes until the curfew, why did you shoot me?” Copper, “ I know where you live, you wouldn’t have made it home on time”. Unfortunately, even though that’s clearly made up it was only a little deviation from the truth.
 
Pep Guardiola decides to come out of retirement and play for Man City, he goes into the changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.
"What's up?" He asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Man Utd.They're crap and we can't be bothered".
Pep looks at them and says "Well I know I'm a bit old and bald now, but I reckon I can beat them by myself, you lads go down the pub."
So Pep goes out to play Man Utd by himself and the rest of the Man City team go off for a few beers. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the TV on. A big cheer goes up as the screen shows
"Man City 1 (Guardiola 10 minutes) – Man Utd 0
He is beating Man Utd all by himself! Anyway, a few more beers later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on" They put the TV on.
"Result from The Etihad Stadium : Man City 1 (Guardiola 10 minutes) – Man Utd 1 (Pogba ( pen) 89 minutes)
They can't believe it, he has single handed got a draw against Man Utd! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.
He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down I've let you down"
"Don't be stupid Pep, you got a draw against Utd all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end!"
Pep says "No, No, I have, I've let you down!. I got sent off after 12 minutes!"
 
Yaya Toure decides to come out of retirement and play for Man City, he goes into the changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.
"What's up?" He asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Man Utd.They're crap and we can't be bothered".
Yaya looks at them and says "Well I know I'm a bit old and bald now, but I reckon I can beat them by myself, you lads go down the pub."
So Yaya goes out to play Man Utd by himself and the rest of the Man City team go off for a few beers. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the TV on. A big cheer goes up as the screen shows
"Man City 1 (Yaya 10 minutes) – Man Utd 0
He is beating Man Utd all by himself! Anyway, a few more beers later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on" They put the TV on.
"Result from The Etihad Stadium : Man City 1 (Yaya 10 minutes) – Man Utd 1 (Pogba ( pen) 89 minutes)
They can't believe it, he has single handed got a draw against Man Utd! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.
He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down I've let you down"
"Don't be stupid Yaya, you got a draw against Utd all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end!"
Yaya says "No, No, I have, I've let you down!. I got sent off after 12 minutes!"
 
Vincent Kompany decides to come out of retirement and play for Man City, he goes into the changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.
"What's up?" He asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Man Utd.They're crap and we can't be bothered".
Vinnie looks at them and says "Well I know I'm a bit old and bald now, but I reckon I can beat them by myself, you lads go down the pub."
So Vinnie goes out to play Man Utd by himself and the rest of the Man City team go off for a few beers. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the TV on. A big cheer goes up as the screen shows
"Man City 1 (Kompany 10 minutes) – Man Utd 0
He is beating Man Utd all by himself! Anyway, a few more beers later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on" They put the TV on.
"Result from The Etihad Stadium : Man City 1 (Kompany 10 minutes) – Man Utd 1 (Pogba ( pen) 89 minutes)
They can't believe it, he has single handed got a draw against Man Utd! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.
He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down I've let you down"
"Don't be stupid you got a draw against Utd all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end!"
Vinnie says "No, No, I have, I've let you down!. I got sent off after 12 minutes!"
 
One question if Pep/Yaya/Vinny got sent off after 12 minutes how did the rags get a penalty in the 89th minute ?
 
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