The "let's talk" thread

[Nebuchadnezzar]

Every year on New Year’s Eve my mum rings me and says “I hope this new year finally brings you a bit of happiness and luck”.
I’m 49, twice divorced and currently trying to hold my third marriage together but it’s like sand running through my fingers.
I work for the NHS as a band 2 support worker and my wife and I just can’t seem to earn enough to get by. We moved into our first bought (instead of rented) home this time last year and it’s turned into a bloody money pit! The boiler died in October and a new one was not something we could afford so had to get a loan, then we found we had a leak in the pipe work which cost us another small fortune to find and repair and involved ripping up the laminate floor. The bill for that work I just can’t pay!
To add to that my dad is in and out of hospital (10 times so far this year) and is currently in Preston hospital after yet another operation and he’s looking like this might be one operation too many - he’s very weak and frail from Parkinson’s. His BP is constantly low and he’s at risk of a stroke or heart attack. He and my mum are so skint that I’ve just had to sell his mobility scooter for them to raise some cash!
I’ve had depression and anxiety for years and have only recently got out of a huge trough that nearly killed me but I can feel myself slowly heading that way again. We can’t pay the mortgage this month, plus add the loan for the boiler, plumber fees and Xmas and it makes me want to cry.
I’m trying to keep my mum positive and tell her dad will be ok, he’ll be home for Xmas etc but I’m struggling to believe it. And if he does get home he’s going to be immobile.
I can’t feel positive about anything right now. I don’t even look at City scores!!!
I turn 50 next May and my life looks like a fucking disaster. It’s so easy to do the “woe is me” bit at times like this and I try really hard not to but I’m finding it harder every day to hold myself together and try to be strong.
My ex wife left me 10 years ago for a wealthy man and she told me I earned crap money and would never give her the life she wanted. Years later and I can’t even take my wife out or buy her something for Xmas, and holidays are things other people do...
I look at my life now, how miserable my wife is and can’t help thinking it could happen again. Everything just seems to be going fucking wrong. I’m picking up bank shifts on my days off when I can but but it’s just not enough.
Not sure where I’m really going with all this, but after today I just needed to say it.

We're glad you shared it.

That's a whole lot going on. No disrespect but the ex Mrs doesn't sound like the nicest person. You're doing your best for those around you mate.

 

[BLUEYESTU]

We're glad you shared it.

That's a whole lot going on. No disrespect but the ex Mrs doesn't sound like the nicest person. You're doing your best for those around you mate.

No it’s safe to say she was a ‘piece of work’ :-) Thanks for the reply though, it’s appreciated.

 

[Bill]

I started believing these last couple years that my family would be better off without me. It got to the very dark stage where I would walk the canal for hours, trapped inside my head with my worst demons, tears down my face, hating myself for feeling so selfish.

I lost our beautiful house three years ago, forced to sell up because my freelance business was not bringing in the type of money it used to. We bought a smaller house around the corner so the kids weren't forced to quit their schools, and with the equity the sale released, we were at least able to put a decent chunk of money in the bank.

The sense of guilt and shame was enormous.

Having money in the bank didn't change a thing.

I became more and more depressed, sleeping two hours a night, lying in bed with the anxiety of what groundhog day would inevitably bring.

Essentially, I had a complete physical and mental breakdown, 25 years of working for myself, the daily grind of supporting a family and starting every day from absolute scratch, a media industry changing quicker that I could possibly keep pace with.

My self-esteem was at zero, supplemented by overeating to try and make myself feel better for a while at least, putting on nearly four stone and hating what was staring back at myself in the mirror, a complete and utter hatred of the pathetic man I had become.

I don't really have many friends, I work in isolation from home and would go days without speaking to anyone or actual human contact, outside of my wife coming home and asking how my day was, waiting to unload on her.

My young kids would walk around on eggshells and my wife just kept on saying something needed to change. After one particular moaning she just burst into tears and said we couldn't go on like this, she had reached her limit.

I had spent so long talking about all the things I couldn't change, how I'm not qualified at the age of 45 to start all again, even though I despise what journalism has become, still a slave to earning a living from it.

I've been with my beautiful wife since she was 15 and yet 26 years later, she has always had my back, I just didn't appreciate what I do have going for me.

My doctor had previously tried to prescribe me beta-blockers to control my general anxiety disorder, supposedly because my cortisol levels were always through the roof because my body was always in fight or flight mode, owing to my high state of readiness, even when danger was far away.

I vowed to my wife I would "try" to get better and the next day I booked an appointment with the nurse at the surgery, she always seemed to have a friendly face.

I told her everything and said I was just "sick of fighting myself every day" and she gave me a hug and could see how much I was hurting. She referred me to Trafford Self Help Therapies for CBT therapy and, after a few weeks, got myself a counsellor.

This amazing woman stripped me down, making it so easy for me to tell her my deepest thoughts and fears. How I had conditioned my mind to have automatic negative thoughts, thinking I was protecting myself from harm by isolating myself.

How I can't say no to anyone, always going out of my way for everyone, needing to be liked, even if it compromised myself. Having a father, more through his generational thoughtlessness and complete lack of emotional intelligence, who had fat shamed me from an early age, even though I wasn't that big, just not perfect.

Setting myself up for failure, time and again, an all or or nothing attitude, nothing in between.

My therapist helped me to identify my qualities, a completely impartial observer. How she "admired" my drive every day to get up and start work at 5.30am every day from the age of 16, but there comes a point when something will give.

I was given a different way of looking at things, from an intellectual level, working backwards and using my previous experiences of bad situations to inform me that things invariably worked out okay, so there was no need to sweat the the things which happen in the interim?

I finished 12 months of therapy recently and can maybe see I wasn't ready previously to change at other similar periods of my life.

This year was about working on what was going on inside my head and improving my physical state. I went back to the gym, every day, I've lost nearly three stone in two months, no meat, no alcohol, no sugars. I'm almost back to my prime weight of 12 stone and I am sleeping like a baby.

I am still not sure what my future job prospects are like, I feel the world has moved on a lot and don't quite know where my place will be in it.

All I know is that I am enjoying meeting new people, playing squash, bench pressing 100kg, feeling like my life isn't just passing me by. Next year I will put myself out there to try and work out the next career step.

More importantly, my wife has got back the man she has always loved, she just loves me a little bit more for trying to "fix" myself.

This was very hard for me to share, but if it can give a glimmer of hope to anyone who finds themselves in a similar situation, then it will have been worth it.

I've stopped caring about the things I cannot change.

Peace and love, Blues.x

Respect.

 

[kaz7]

Every year on New Year’s Eve my mum rings me and says “I hope this new year finally brings you a bit of happiness and luck”.
I’m 49, twice divorced and currently trying to hold my third marriage together but it’s like sand running through my fingers.
I work for the NHS as a band 2 support worker and my wife and I just can’t seem to earn enough to get by. We moved into our first bought (instead of rented) home this time last year and it’s turned into a bloody money pit! The boiler died in October and a new one was not something we could afford so had to get a loan, then we found we had a leak in the pipe work which cost us another small fortune to find and repair and involved ripping up the laminate floor. The bill for that work I just can’t pay!
To add to that my dad is in and out of hospital (10 times so far this year) and is currently in Preston hospital after yet another operation and he’s looking like this might be one operation too many - he’s very weak and frail from Parkinson’s. His BP is constantly low and he’s at risk of a stroke or heart attack. He and my mum are so skint that I’ve just had to sell his mobility scooter for them to raise some cash!
I’ve had depression and anxiety for years and have only recently got out of a huge trough that nearly killed me but I can feel myself slowly heading that way again. We can’t pay the mortgage this month, plus add the loan for the boiler, plumber fees and Xmas and it makes me want to cry.
I’m trying to keep my mum positive and tell her dad will be ok, he’ll be home for Xmas etc but I’m struggling to believe it. And if he does get home he’s going to be immobile.
I can’t feel positive about anything right now. I don’t even look at City scores!!!
I turn 50 next May and my life looks like a fucking disaster. It’s so easy to do the “woe is me” bit at times like this and I try really hard not to but I’m finding it harder every day to hold myself together and try to be strong.
My ex wife left me 10 years ago for a wealthy man and she told me I earned crap money and would never give her the life she wanted. Years later and I can’t even take my wife out or buy her something for Xmas, and holidays are things other people do...
I look at my life now, how miserable my wife is and can’t help thinking it could happen again. Everything just seems to be going fucking wrong. I’m picking up bank shifts on my days off when I can but but it’s just not enough.
Not sure where I’m really going with all this, but after today I just needed to say it.

Start here for the money stuff,they will give you loads of info to help you,see if you have a local one and go and see them with your incomings/outgoings and debt info,do it tomorrow,you need to face it head on

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/debt-and-money/

Also google money supermarket,they can link you to free advice services,don't use one that charges

As you are low paid if you need any more work doing google government grants,all the utility companies have their own grants you can apply for

Go and see your dr to see if he can help you with your mood,you need to get that controlled better then you will be able to make decisions

Look into foodbanks,swallow your pride,they are meant for people on low incomes

You are in a bit of a hole but you can get out of it,it'll just need a bit of work

Good luck lovely

 

[somapop]

Thanks for sharing mate, seriously.

I can certainly recognise some of the traits, the OCD, the desire for perfection, that feeling to make yourself more interesting to people you do not know, having that glass of Dutch courage.

It's only through the last couple of years I have come to see I have been in low fog for well over a decade, which makes me angry, as my kids are growing in front of my eyes, doing tremendous things and my inability to live in the moment.

City win the title, I can't enjoy it - too busy worrying about not winning it next year!

The overriding message I have taken and hopefully can share with anyone who has similar trials, is the need to be kinder to yourself, to treat yourself with the same compassion as you would others.

It's easier said than done when you have trained your brain for so long to pick out every fault, believing your situation is unique.

It is only when you seek help, you sadly discover that it is all too common.

If you or anyone else ever need just to chat shit or City, to get away from the four walls, I am never more than 40 minutes away from Town.

I mean that. Even that WorsleyWeb ;)

Well, the same applies to you too if you need to get out. I remember in the midst of my initial low level, prolonged depression (just thought I was grumpy) I never socialised...which didn't at all help. Those four walls constrict around you like that scene in Star Wars.

Actually, we got our daughter a dog 3 years ago to help with her Autism (the idea of me, Mr. OCD/Neat & TIdy having an animal in the house literally filled me with dread). Eventually gave up that battle (which has been alluded to in many of the posts above) and the dog is one of my best friends now. In fact I've made a tonne of new friends simply from taking her on walks...they're ace when you're feeling low too. Amazed how much I can hold stuff in and appear as though I skip through the daisies of life (I tend to wise crack...not sure why, perhaps it's years of being ultra shy). I suppose that's something.

I'd be interested in more stories re meditation. My brother introduced me to the Joe Rogan podcasts (which I thought I wouldn't like, but there's some amazing revelatory stuff on there). Depression, anxiety and meditation is discussed a lot (as are intense fitness routine, science...and that ace Mushroom podcast!).
I've been meditating in small doses in the yoga classes I do each week and I think I'm starting to feel the benefit, but need to explore further. There's certainly a bit of mystery in the UK about it at the moment.

 

[abu13]

I applaud everyone who has found the courage and strength to share their personal stories on this thread, No matter how dark times may seem please keep talking as their are so many people willing to offer support where they can.

 

[bluethrunthru]

One of the things we have lost in society is the acceptance of random conversations - you know - you see someone trip over a kerb but stay upright and you can go " bloody hell mate I thought you were going down then" after which there's a bit of banter and that it - finished, gone, alls good. It used to happen all the time now you'd find the person had earplugs in and didn't hear - would look at you like you were stupid - or someone wouldn't say anything for fear of being knifed or something. Far too many have lost the ability and acceptance to interact - it was commonplace when I was a kid - I do it a lot - always happy to talk to a stranger in a queue or crossing a car park and the happy response from people, particularly older people, is very uplifting. If you want to talk - talk. You'll be amazed how many people want the same.

 

[kaz7]

One of the things we have lost in society is the acceptance of random conversations - you know - you see someone trip over a kerb but stay upright and you can go " bloody hell mate I thought you were going down then" after which there's a bit of banter and that it - finished, gone, alls good. It used to happen all the time now you'd find the person had earplugs in and didn't hear - would look at you like you were stupid - or someone wouldn't say anything for fear of being knifed or something. Far too many have lost the ability and acceptance to interact - it was commonplace when I was a kid - I do it a lot - always happy to talk to a stranger in a queue or crossing a car park and the happy response from people, particularly older people, is very uplifting. If you want to talk - talk. You'll be amazed how many people want the same.

Yep i agree,it's something that is sorely lacking these days,you can make someones day just having a chat and a joke,when i got the train up i was literally having a panic attack at euston station,i sat in the loo for a bit then went up to a women and said can you help me please i'm not sure where to get the train from,she showed me what to do and stayed having a chat till the platform info flashed up,it made it so much easier for me,i just asked for help the whole trip,people are nice

 

[bluethrunthru]

Yep i agree,it's something that is sorely lacking these days,you can make someones day just having a chat and a joke,when i got the train up i was literally having a panic attack at euston station,i sat in the loo for a bit then went up to a women and said can you help me please i'm not sure where to get the train from,she showed me what to do and stayed having a chat till the platform info flashed up,it made it so much easier for me,i just asked for help the whole trip,people are nice

Its funny. People won't speak because they fear being labelled a nutter - but the people who they won't speak to are fearful of speaking out because they don't want to be though of as a nutter. We are a naturally social animal - its amazing how people respond. I don't care if one in ten blank me I'll carry on because for starters it keeps my mental health on track and secondly I might - just might - make someone's day. Someone who hasn't spoken to another person for a day or more suddenly has a conversation and thats surely a good thing? You clearly have benefited from the milk of human kindness.

 

[somapop]

One of the things we have lost in society is the acceptance of random conversations - you know - you see someone trip over a kerb but stay upright and you can go " bloody hell mate I thought you were going down then" after which there's a bit of banter and that it - finished, gone, alls good. It used to happen all the time now you'd find the person had earplugs in and didn't hear - would look at you like you were stupid - or someone wouldn't say anything for fear of being knifed or something. Far too many have lost the ability and acceptance to interact - it was commonplace when I was a kid - I do it a lot - always happy to talk to a stranger in a queue or crossing a car park and the happy response from people, particularly older people, is very uplifting. If you want to talk - talk. You'll be amazed how many people want the same.

My mum used to do this all the time and as a shy kid I’d often feel embarrassed. It’s only after a breakdown and separation that I found some inner confidence that I’ve now started doing this. A dog helped actually (ice breaker) but I no longer need that crutch.
It’s been a huge revelation for me to be able to start a conversation ‘out of thin air’. It’s amazing how quickly you can make friends and know about other people’s lives. I do it all the time now...part of it is me finally not caring what people think about me. Just wish I’d discovered all this when I was younger.