Have a look at a few options. I think many offer gym classes as part of the monthly fee which works out (see what I did there?) being great value. I was put off for years by people saying they never kept it up so were paying for nothing. But if you do it's amazing value in the scheme of things (especially if you cut down on booze and food). I try and fit in as many classes as I can...socially they're ace, but then tend to push you a little more too. Circuits, syngrgy etc. Maybe get a free PT consolutation that many gyms offer...tell them what you want to achieve (and you may not know initially) and they'll sort a plan for you. Running is good but perhaps not the best option for some if they're carrying too much weight (which will end up causing injuries). I fell in love with the rower and Kettle Bell....
Walking is ace, but I remember at my lowest if just left me with my thoughts bubbling up. I recall, in the midst of my breakdown, going for a 5k run on a wet, cold, dark January evening...and tried to outrun the mental anguish and ended up doing my first half marathon. I think the physical pain finally had one over the internal stuff going on...not that I'm a believer in angels but on the way back on this run, this stunning girl waiting for a bus (on this cold night) gave me this huge, warm grin seemingly out of nowhere. A nod perhaps that things get better.
Classes are a good shout, not something I've done before but gives a bit of variety and like you say its social as well. Going to call in tomorrow so I'll have a look and see what they've got on.
You carry on just the way you are Sheila. You are one of the nicest people i know.@karen7 & @somapop plus those who've mentioned about talking to someone on the street, in the shop etc., it does help others who might not have spoken to someone for a couple of days.
Just to make you smile though....... when I was in the waiting room at the hospital/drop in centre place on Friday a lady was walking toward me & I gave a little grin/smile and this lady said, Do I know you, and I thought ohhhh I’ve offended her and I started to say no I’m sorry and to explain but she walked up to me and went, oh I’ve not got my glasses on and I thought you were one of my neighbours!
Then today in M & S in the Trafford Centre, I was walking through the nightwear section and this guy was with his wife & gave the biggest yawn EVER & without thinking I said, well you’ve picked the best place for yawning and wanting to sleep. Then I thought oh my goodness they’ll think I’m daft and I started to apologise but they both just started laughing. I just walked away thinking that’s like it used to be, you always acknowledged people with a nod or a smile.
Besides the advice @karen7 gave I'd advise having a look at the Money Saving Expert website, there's a lot of different forums depending on what you need but if debt comes into it start with:-Every year on New Year’s Eve my mum rings me and says “I hope this new year finally brings you a bit of happiness and luck”.
I’m 49, twice divorced and currently trying to hold my third marriage together but it’s like sand running through my fingers.
I work for the NHS as a band 2 support worker and my wife and I just can’t seem to earn enough to get by. We moved into our first bought (instead of rented) home this time last year and it’s turned into a bloody money pit! The boiler died in October and a new one was not something we could afford so had to get a loan, then we found we had a leak in the pipe work which cost us another small fortune to find and repair and involved ripping up the laminate floor. The bill for that work I just can’t pay!
To add to that my dad is in and out of hospital (10 times so far this year) and is currently in Preston hospital after yet another operation and he’s looking like this might be one operation too many - he’s very weak and frail from Parkinson’s. His BP is constantly low and he’s at risk of a stroke or heart attack. He and my mum are so skint that I’ve just had to sell his mobility scooter for them to raise some cash!
I’ve had depression and anxiety for years and have only recently got out of a huge trough that nearly killed me but I can feel myself slowly heading that way again. We can’t pay the mortgage this month, plus add the loan for the boiler, plumber fees and Xmas and it makes me want to cry.
I’m trying to keep my mum positive and tell her dad will be ok, he’ll be home for Xmas etc but I’m struggling to believe it. And if he does get home he’s going to be immobile.
I can’t feel positive about anything right now. I don’t even look at City scores!!!
I turn 50 next May and my life looks like a fucking disaster. It’s so easy to do the “woe is me” bit at times like this and I try really hard not to but I’m finding it harder every day to hold myself together and try to be strong.
My ex wife left me 10 years ago for a wealthy man and she told me I earned crap money and would never give her the life she wanted. Years later and I can’t even take my wife out or buy her something for Xmas, and holidays are things other people do...
I look at my life now, how miserable my wife is and can’t help thinking it could happen again. Everything just seems to be going fucking wrong. I’m picking up bank shifts on my days off when I can but but it’s just not enough.
Not sure where I’m really going with all this, but after today I just needed to say it.
You carry on just the way you are Sheila. You are one of the nicest people i know.
A keen and knowledgeable blue as well.
Take care x
My ex wife left me 10 years ago for a wealthy man and she told me I earned crap money and would never give her the life she wanted.
Great idea for a thread and huge respect to everyone for opening up and sharing your experiences, thank you. Hopefully its been a bit of a weight off your shoulders. There's also been some great advice shared which shows Bluemoon at its best.
I've written and deleted about five posts now, but here goes... I battle depression and anxiety, have done for the past ten years. It was brought on by bereavements but its managed to impact on all aspects of my life, personally and professionally.
The biggest thing getting me down at the moment is that I'm out of work. A few months ago I did the one thing you're always advised not to, quitting your job without having another lined up. The market has gone quiet and companies are taking forever in coming back to me, it would seem I massively misjudged how quickly I would be able to get another job and I'm starting to really regret the action I took, but I was in such a dark place and got myself so worked up that at the time I felt it was the only option.
It started after Christmas last year when I was over looked for a promotion (the person who got the job used to work with the person who interviewed them...). I struggle with self confidence and despite getting great scores at annual reviews etc the comments that I always get is that I doubt myself too much, should have more confidence etc. It doesn't take much to set me back so after months of malicious behaviour on their behalf and me constantly being undermined finally my position became untenable. It severely impacted on my health and I was off with stress. I had a return to work meeting with my boss where I was told that work would be full on and to make sure I was ready to return. There was no suggestion that either they or the company might be able to do anything to support me and the matter was never discussed again in my remaining time there. (I have since been told by lawyers if I'd filed a grievance I would have had a case for constructive dismissal with all the shady shit they pulled with me, too many to list here).
During my time off sick I was prescribed anti depressants, but I've been reluctant to use them since I read up on the side effects which mentioned the possibility of bringing on a 'manic episode'. I am currently looking in to CBT which having read Tolmie's post I think would be beneficial. I'm trying to use time out of work to improve my mental health, by staying positive, reading and exercising more but the nagging self doubt is never far away. If I don't get a job I've interviewed for I beat myself up about questions I could have answered better etc and that plays on my mind for a long time afterwards.
I've been in debt for the majority of my adult life and with not working it all feels like the walls are closing in. Apart from attending interviews I've become more or less a recluse. I haven't seem most of my friends or family for months. Nearly every social activity involves spending money and I'm watching every penny not knowing when my next pay cheque will come.
The hardest part of my current situation is knowing that its my own doing, I let things get on top of me and made a bad choice. I'm single with no kids so fortunately my poor decision making hasn't affected anyone other than me, I'm just hoping it is a temporary setback. It has definitely made me realise that I can't just walk away from my problems. I now need to work out how best to deal with them when they next arise.
An articulate post Mr Caddy and as you say "a temporary setback". One door closes and another opens and the opportunity to shine will once more rear it's head. Try not to worry too much about the debt aspect as it's only a means to an end and it's a well known fact that we enter this arena with nowt and most verily we shall leave with nowt. Concentrate more on keeping up with committal payments like rent rates food and fuel until such time as circumstances dictate otherwise. Bereavement as you have suffered causes many ripples in the pond of life and if we are not careful can and do transform themselves into mini tsunamis with the capability to induce stress creating tentacles that reach out into the very fabric of our well-being. Time mais oui is the fabled great healer allowing the waves to steady themselves back into ripples and the eventual calmer waters ahead. Enjoy your Christmas do keep Moonwalking and prepare your mindset well for the next wonderful stage of the journey that's about to commence. Adios.
I started believing these last couple years that my family would be better off without me. It got to the very dark stage where I would walk the canal for hours, trapped inside my head with my worst demons, tears down my face, hating myself for feeling so selfish.
I lost our beautiful house three years ago, forced to sell up because my freelance business was not bringing in the type of money it used to. We bought a smaller house around the corner so the kids weren't forced to quit their schools, and with the equity the sale released, we were at least able to put a decent chunk of money in the bank.
The sense of guilt and shame was enormous.
Having money in the bank didn't change a thing.
I became more and more depressed, sleeping two hours a night, lying in bed with the anxiety of what groundhog day would inevitably bring.
Essentially, I had a complete physical and mental breakdown, 25 years of working for myself, the daily grind of supporting a family and starting every day from absolute scratch, a media industry changing quicker that I could possibly keep pace with.
My self-esteem was at zero, supplemented by overeating to try and make myself feel better for a while at least, putting on nearly four stone and hating what was staring back at myself in the mirror, a complete and utter hatred of the pathetic man I had become.
I don't really have many friends, I work in isolation from home and would go days without speaking to anyone or actual human contact, outside of my wife coming home and asking how my day was, waiting to unload on her.
My young kids would walk around on eggshells and my wife just kept on saying something needed to change. After one particular moaning she just burst into tears and said we couldn't go on like this, she had reached her limit.
I had spent so long talking about all the things I couldn't change, how I'm not qualified at the age of 45 to start all again, even though I despise what journalism has become, still a slave to earning a living from it.
I've been with my beautiful wife since she was 15 and yet 26 years later, she has always had my back, I just didn't appreciate what I do have going for me.
My doctor had previously tried to prescribe me beta-blockers to control my general anxiety disorder, supposedly because my cortisol levels were always through the roof because my body was always in fight or flight mode, owing to my high state of readiness, even when danger was far away.
I vowed to my wife I would "try" to get better and the next day I booked an appointment with the nurse at the surgery, she always seemed to have a friendly face.
I told her everything and said I was just "sick of fighting myself every day" and she gave me a hug and could see how much I was hurting. She referred me to Trafford Self Help Therapies for CBT therapy and, after a few weeks, got myself a counsellor.
This amazing woman stripped me down, making it so easy for me to tell her my deepest thoughts and fears. How I had conditioned my mind to have automatic negative thoughts, thinking I was protecting myself from harm by isolating myself.
How I can't say no to anyone, always going out of my way for everyone, needing to be liked, even if it compromised myself. Having a father, more through his generational thoughtlessness and complete lack of emotional intelligence, who had fat shamed me from an early age, even though I wasn't that big, just not perfect.
Setting myself up for failure, time and again, an all or or nothing attitude, nothing in between.
My therapist helped me to identify my qualities, a completely impartial observer. How she "admired" my drive every day to get up and start work at 5.30am every day from the age of 16, but there comes a point when something will give.
I was given a different way of looking at things, from an intellectual level, working backwards and using my previous experiences of bad situations to inform me that things invariably worked out okay, so there was no need to sweat the the things which happen in the interim?
I finished 12 months of therapy recently and can maybe see I wasn't ready previously to change at other similar periods of my life.
This year was about working on what was going on inside my head and improving my physical state. I went back to the gym, every day, I've lost nearly three stone in two months, no meat, no alcohol, no sugars. I'm almost back to my prime weight of 12 stone and I am sleeping like a baby.
I am still not sure what my future job prospects are like, I feel the world has moved on a lot and don't quite know where my place will be in it.
All I know is that I am enjoying meeting new people, playing squash, bench pressing 100kg, feeling like my life isn't just passing me by. Next year I will put myself out there to try and work out the next career step.
More importantly, my wife has got back the man she has always loved, she just loves me a little bit more for trying to "fix" myself.
This was very hard for me to share, but if it can give a glimmer of hope to anyone who finds themselves in a similar situation, then it will have been worth it.
I've stopped caring about the things I cannot change.
Peace and love, Blues.x
I have cocktail of issues that i find hard to overcome. I broke my leg when I was 13 and it has never recovered which had overlapped with finding out my Mum has MS and hopelessly watching her deteriorate.
After years of putting up with it I have become depressed. I struggled in college and dropped out of uni because of it.
The GP prescribed me an anti depressant but they made me so numb inside which was already becoming an issue on its own. I’d listen to people telling me the problems they have themselves and no matter how sad or even if I can relate it triggers no emotion for me. I hate the person that I’ve become.
I used to desperately want to be in a relationship thinking it was what i needed but now I don’t. What I would want from a relationship I know I couldn’t give in return and so i have no intentions of one. Plus im an ugly F*ck
Thanks for sharing that mate. Hope you find something career wise that makes you happy. We are brought up ‘to be strong’ , to win, to succeed and to do it without showing much of our inner self. That is a bloody massive burden for many men and I’m sure many of us have shared some of your feelings at some time in our lives. I think you have shown great resilience and mental strength. Best wishes.I started believing these last couple years that my family would be better off without me. It got to the very dark stage where I would walk the canal for hours, trapped inside my head with my worst demons, tears down my face, hating myself for feeling so selfish.
I lost our beautiful house three years ago, forced to sell up because my freelance business was not bringing in the type of money it used to. We bought a smaller house around the corner so the kids weren't forced to quit their schools, and with the equity the sale released, we were at least able to put a decent chunk of money in the bank.
The sense of guilt and shame was enormous.
Having money in the bank didn't change a thing.
I became more and more depressed, sleeping two hours a night, lying in bed with the anxiety of what groundhog day would inevitably bring.
Essentially, I had a complete physical and mental breakdown, 25 years of working for myself, the daily grind of supporting a family and starting every day from absolute scratch, a media industry changing quicker that I could possibly keep pace with.
My self-esteem was at zero, supplemented by overeating to try and make myself feel better for a while at least, putting on nearly four stone and hating what was staring back at myself in the mirror, a complete and utter hatred of the pathetic man I had become.
I don't really have many friends, I work in isolation from home and would go days without speaking to anyone or actual human contact, outside of my wife coming home and asking how my day was, waiting to unload on her.
My young kids would walk around on eggshells and my wife just kept on saying something needed to change. After one particular moaning she just burst into tears and said we couldn't go on like this, she had reached her limit.
I had spent so long talking about all the things I couldn't change, how I'm not qualified at the age of 45 to start all again, even though I despise what journalism has become, still a slave to earning a living from it.
I've been with my beautiful wife since she was 15 and yet 26 years later, she has always had my back, I just didn't appreciate what I do have going for me.
My doctor had previously tried to prescribe me beta-blockers to control my general anxiety disorder, supposedly because my cortisol levels were always through the roof because my body was always in fight or flight mode, owing to my high state of readiness, even when danger was far away.
I vowed to my wife I would "try" to get better and the next day I booked an appointment with the nurse at the surgery, she always seemed to have a friendly face.
I told her everything and said I was just "sick of fighting myself every day" and she gave me a hug and could see how much I was hurting. She referred me to Trafford Self Help Therapies for CBT therapy and, after a few weeks, got myself a counsellor.
This amazing woman stripped me down, making it so easy for me to tell her my deepest thoughts and fears. How I had conditioned my mind to have automatic negative thoughts, thinking I was protecting myself from harm by isolating myself.
How I can't say no to anyone, always going out of my way for everyone, needing to be liked, even if it compromised myself. Having a father, more through his generational thoughtlessness and complete lack of emotional intelligence, who had fat shamed me from an early age, even though I wasn't that big, just not perfect.
Setting myself up for failure, time and again, an all or or nothing attitude, nothing in between.
My therapist helped me to identify my qualities, a completely impartial observer. How she "admired" my drive every day to get up and start work at 5.30am every day from the age of 16, but there comes a point when something will give.
I was given a different way of looking at things, from an intellectual level, working backwards and using my previous experiences of bad situations to inform me that things invariably worked out okay, so there was no need to sweat the the things which happen in the interim?
I finished 12 months of therapy recently and can maybe see I wasn't ready previously to change at other similar periods of my life.
This year was about working on what was going on inside my head and improving my physical state. I went back to the gym, every day, I've lost nearly three stone in two months, no meat, no alcohol, no sugars. I'm almost back to my prime weight of 12 stone and I am sleeping like a baby.
I am still not sure what my future job prospects are like, I feel the world has moved on a lot and don't quite know where my place will be in it.
All I know is that I am enjoying meeting new people, playing squash, bench pressing 100kg, feeling like my life isn't just passing me by. Next year I will put myself out there to try and work out the next career step.
More importantly, my wife has got back the man she has always loved, she just loves me a little bit more for trying to "fix" myself.
This was very hard for me to share, but if it can give a glimmer of hope to anyone who finds themselves in a similar situation, then it will have been worth it.
I've stopped caring about the things I cannot change.
Peace and love, Blues.x
I’m no sight for sore eyes but that bit was just a joke, my looks aren’t really an issue for me.Mate, however ugly you say you are, I can guarantee there are uglier f*cks than you around! There’s always someone better and someone worse.
Clearly your self-esteem is currently low and I’m guessing your unreceptiveness to other people’s problems might be some sort of defence mechanism.
You tried the drugs but they can be bad news. Have you thought of seeing a counsellor?
Fantastic how you’ve turned that shit round to feeling so positive again. I hope this gives others encouragement.
My younger lad has had private counselling for a couple of years now. He has bi-polar. It hasn’t “cured” him, and never will, because that’s the nature of the beast. However, it certainly helps to keep things under control and assists him in organising his life. He was adamant that he didn’t want medication, so this has proved worthwhile.
Help on the NHS seems to be very limited so I mention this as a possibility for anyone for whom it might be relevant.
I’m no sight for sore eyes but that bit was just a joke, my looks aren’t really an issue for me.
My self esteem definitely is an issue, I admit. But my numbness is probably still my biggest fear, sometimes I’d rather feel sad when I’m feeling that way, which has gotten to the point i get no or fleeting satisfaction from anything . A real bummer.
I took the drugs a while back but stopped not long after. They either caused or aggravated my feelings of numbness. As for counselling, I took a handful in college. In University (at my darkest point) I tried to get hold of one through the uni itself but never could and I haven’t tried since. I know I should really be going to something like that but when I'm at my worst I can’t get hold of something or someone anywhere near quick enough and when I’m not at my worst I tend to not have any energy to try to.
Thanks for replying as well, I appreciate it.
Of course you should tell her. Let her read your post! Life’s to short to regret you didn’t do something. Go for it.I think it's time I write this as it's been playing on my subconscious mind for many years, especially in dreams. Now many of you who read my posts know I often post in a jokey light hearted manner and it's quite often got me in trouble, even if the joke is on me. But when talking in a serious manner I'm a all ears empathetic type who'll help people out and lend an ear on what life throws at us, especially depression. Been there feeling as low as a snakes belly despondent and confused on several occasions.
This morning I woke up needing the loo at about 5am but I was having another dream about my ex wife. I say another dream as I must have about one a week, one I remember anyway. Dreams are quite vivid, some are sexual, most aren't, but mostly good dreams.
We met in November 89, got married in may 93 and split in November 2002. We did many things together. Restaurants pubs days out weekends away and holidays, the usual stuff in a loving relationship. Our sex life was great, we had a few domestic arguements (like you do) but she was stubborn apologising even if at fault, and I'd pacify the situation by making peace as I couldn't stand her moody sulks. We had two lovely daughters in 96 and 2002, our marriage was strong who we brought up in a loving family.
Then in 2004 it went pear-shaped very quickly. I was grafting my balls off all over the uk working minimum 50 hours a week, some weekends away. Family time was sparse as I was hardly home. My Mrs asked to have a two year sabbatical from work as our youngest was born with microcephaly and had problems from birth. I was earning enough to support us so I was happy enough to bring home the bacon.
We could talk about almost anything in a cards on table honest way and we shared the same SOH and were on the same frequency in intellect. But she couldn't talk(and educate me) about her inner most fears and would clam up. I think having a less than perfect born child must have psychologically scarred her and she told me she had had been post natal depression after we split up, something I knew nothing about.
I wasn't there for her when she needed me and she started seeing a guy she claimed to have met in our local park and the rotten bastard homed in on her sadness and vulnerability. She told him our marriage was in difficulty and the **** didn't wish her well and walk away as any decent guy would have done in talking to a married woman.
To cut an already long story a bit shorter he manipulated the situation. I found out in June when we were on holiday in Spain of her affair. She said it wasn't sexual which I believed but the trust was broken.
We had arguements and I soldiered on working away, driving down the M1 with tears streaming down my eyes pretending I had a sniffly cold so my workmates wouldn't suss me out. Was fuckin' heartbroken that my marriage was failed and splitting up was inevitable. We split in November 04 and my world collapsed I became an alcoholic. My loving family home that I had done most of the DIY on, soon became an empty shell, like an open prison. I'd get home from work see a picture of my eldest as a baby with doe like staring eyes and the waterworks would come. I'd lock the door and fuck off to the pub in my van to get absolutely smashed as I wouldn't sleep otherwise. 8-15 pints a night sustained by takeaway food, and I'm ashamed to say I drove home on several occasions not caring if I crashed and died, it was a way out of an existence that I felt was killing me anyway. I would get a few hours sleep and go to work, often sobering up at height on a telecoms tower. I unhooked my safety lanyards more than once and almost leapt to my death, but I was stopped, probably by my spirit guide. Can't really explain but within a few seconds I realised what a selfish cowardly bastard I'd be in leaving my beautiful girls family and friends behind. So I soldiered on, another day another doller attitude, even though I was grafting my balls off I was in debt. I was suffering mentally, really suffering. I think my physical fitness helped me through in what is a very dangerous job fully focused anyway so my focus was just enough to see me through the day until I could blot my sorry emotions out yet again in the pub.
I only have a few regrets in life and with hindsight we should of stayed as a family and patched things up, the offer was there, she begged me to take her back but I couldn't. Instead I chose to battle my demons alone, apart from confiding in a couple of very close friends nobody else knew my(almost hopeless) situation.
About 8 months had passed after splitting and after realising stubborn bastard here wasn't interested she got back with the slimy ****. This made me more angry and confused. I went to my local and was in a fuckin' foul mood. An alleged former hardest guy in the town was sat on a barstool minding his own business. He was a former rag bully. I remember him and his gang of hangers on took a city shirt off a lad if about 18 and burned it in the pub. I reminded him of it and he denied it. Well he would because his rag posse weren't there to back him up and I told him to bully me He fuckin' shit himself and kept his head down - "I don't want to know mate", ****!
Sorry, I'm probably elaborating and prattling on too much, if so stop reading, but I must get how I feel off my chest.
I was finally feeling I was coming out the other side of my mental anguish and in the new year out of the blue I got a text from my ex Mrs. She wanted to get back with me but I was trying to move on. She wrote -" if we don't get back together in this life, we will in the next, we are soulmates". Wow, talk about being knocked down by a feather, I was a gibbering wreck. I spent the evening alone(kids were at mine in bed) getting pissed, tears streaming down my face and hurting bad.
When we split we always vowed to be amicable over our girls, and we mostly have been. She's been married to slimeball about 10 years now. Since splitting I was with an ex 3 years, living together for 2. With Bigfoot 5 years, living together 6 months and a few relationships plus plenty of sexual flings from women on dating sites.
My point is I have never truly loved anyone else but my ex wife and it's been hard since. I thought I was over her several times but I can't be because my dreams won't allow it.
What are they telling me?
I know she's the type who couldn't cope alone, my girls have told me. They can't stand their step dad and think mum us unhappy. I so wish I could turn back time and be the full time dad there for them(my eyes are welling up now writing this) but I have unable to be and that saddens me being totally honest.
I want to tell my ex Mrs how I feel. I know we still love each other deep down, my emotions are obviously a lot closer to the surface than hers, but when we talk to each other we still have the telepathy, the glint in her eyes give it away. We all move forward in life but life is like a book and the chapter of us together can never be ripped out of my life's book and erased.
I really don't know what to do and although I'm fine on the surface, I feel as though I'm dying a slow mentally painful death. I so want to tell her she's the only woman I've ever truly loved, and the only woman I will ever truly love.... : [
My dreams are so real but I'm so confused right now. Do I tell her how I feel blues ?