Joke thread

INDIAN CURRY RHAPSODY...

Naan, just killed a man
Poppadum against his head
Had lime pickle now he's dead
Naan, dinner's just begun
But now I'm gonna crap it all away!
Naan, ooo, oo, ooo oooh!
Didn't mean to make you cry
Seen nothing yet,just see the loo tomorrow!
Curry on curry on...
Nothin' really Madras,

Too late! My dinners gone!
Sends shivers down my spine
Rectum aching all the time
Goodbye onion bhaji, I've got to go!!
Gotta leave you all behind and use the loo
Naan, ooo, oooh!
Dopiaza is so mild
I sometimes wish we'd never been here at all!!

(guitar solo)

I see a little chicken tikka on the side
Rogan Josh, Rogan Josh, pass the chutney made of mango
Vindaloo does nicely
very, very spicy
Meat!!
Byriani
Byriani
Byriani and a naan
(A Vindaloo loo loo loo)
I've eaten balti, somebody help me
He's eaten Balti, get him to the lavatory!!
Stand you well back
'Case the loo is quarantined...
Here it comes
There it goes
Technicolour yawn
I chunder!
No!
It's coming up again
(There he goes)
I chunder
It's coming up again
(There he goes)
Coming back again (up again)
Here it comes again
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!
On my knees, I'm on my knees
On his knees, on his knees, Oh, there he goes!
This Vindaloo is about to wreck my guts
Poor me ee ee poor me ee ee poor meeee!

(guitar solo)

So you think you can chunder and then feel alright?
When you try to eat curry and drink beer all night?
Oh, maybe, but you'll puke like a baby
Just had to come out
just had to come out right here
(slow guitar)
Khorma, Saag or Bhuna, bhaji, balti or naan
Nothing makes a difference
Nothing makes a difference
To meeee

Anyway the wind blows... shhhhshsh.
 
Bloody hell, Ancient Citizen - that Indian Curry rhapsody made me hurt inside through laughing out loud so much.
Absolutely brilliant. Who says they don't write lyrics like Ira Gershwin and Cole Porter any more?
 
Big Swifty said:
Bloody hell, Ancient Citizen - that Indian Curry rhapsody made me hurt inside through laughing out loud so much.
Absolutely brilliant. Who says they don't write lyrics like Ira Gershwin and Cole Porter any more?
Click to expand...

It’s really old, but good. You might like this too.



Curry Taster.

Notes taken from an Inexperienced Curry Taster Named Paul Reynolds, who=as visiting Bombay, India from Abingdon, Oxfordshire, UK.

"Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a curry cook-off.
The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came.
I was assured by the other two judges that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
_____________________________________
Curry 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry

JUDGE ONE= A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

Paul: Holy shit!! What the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway.
It took me two beers to put the flames out.
These Indian fellows are crazy if they even begin to think this tastes like food.
____________=____________________
Curry # 2: Applesamy's Afterburner Curry
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.


Paul: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain.
I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre.
They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
I had an expression like a cow sucking piss off a thistle.
____________________________________________
Curry # 3: Farook's Famous Burn Down the Barn Curry

JUDGE ONE: Excellent fir=house curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

Paul: Call Sellafield, I've located a uranium spill.
My nose feels like I=ave been snorting Domestos.
Everyone knows the routine by noW, get me more beer before I ignite. The barmaid pounded me on the back; now my back bone’s in the front part of my chest.
I'm now getting shit-faced from all the beer.
_______________=_________
Curry # 4: Barbu's Black Magic Bean Blaster

JUDGE ONE: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.


JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.

Paul= I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds?
Jaswinder, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills;
that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating.
Is curry an aphrodisiac?

Curry # 5: Laveshnee's Legal lip remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Paul: My ears are ringing, sW eat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes.
I farted and four people behind me needed hospital treatment from 3rd degree burns.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her curry had given me brain damage.
Jaswinder saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on to it from a pitcher.
I wonder if I'm burning my lips off?
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Phone the White House and tell them you've discovered a stockpile of napalm.
_________________________________
Curry # 6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb!
Paul: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous and dangerously
explosive methane building up. I have sulphuric flames leaping from my arsehole.
My rusty sheriffs badge feels like it's been rogered with a red hot poker
and I've just shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair.
No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Jaswi=der; she must be kinkier than I thought. I Can't feel my lips anymore.
I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone! I think if I sit on the toilet now, my arsehole will go down for a drink of water.

Curry # 7: Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry wit’s too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of curry peppers at the last moment.
I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably,
frothing at the mouth and nostrils and his trousers appear soiled with what looks like a smoking gravy.

Paul: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing.
I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water.
My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed from my mouth.
I'm dribbling acid that has eaten my beard away and now feels like it's eating my skin away with it.
My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt.
At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful.
Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway.
If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 2 inch hole this stuff has eaten in my stomach.
_______________________________

C=rry # 8: Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3
passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself.
Paul: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report.)
 
jimharri said:
I was walking past a pet shop today when I saw a sign on a cage in the window that read
Pedigree Netherlands cat for sale.
I didn't believe it could be from Holand so I went in and asked the assistant
How Dutch is that moggy in the window


Thank you, thank you. To quote Yoda, "here all week, I am".
Click to expand...

I like that joke but I feel I’ve waited a lifetime to correct Jim’s spelling and grammar. But he’s a mod now...

(I know it’s copied but still) :)
 
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.
 
When Aids first came to prominence there was this joke:

What have Rock Hudson and Henry Cooper got in common?

They’ve both been battered around the ring

I told the joke to my colleagues at work and one of the younger girls replied with:

“I didn't know Henry Cooper was gay”

That got a bigger laugh than the joke
 
Her: What do you do
Him: I race cars.
Her: Do you win many races?
Him: No, the cars are much faster.

My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor. More on this after the break.

I was watching a documentary about a girl who got breast implants made of wood. I thought to myself, “that would hurt, wooden tit”?

On Monday we start Diarrhoea Awareness Week. Runs until Friday.

The other day I saw a bucket at the hardware store with a sign that said: dead batteries - £1 each. I thought to myself: “These should be free of charge.”

My mate David had his ID stolen... I now call him Dav

When I was at the London Olympics I saw a guy walking along with a long pole over his shoulder. I said to him “Are you a pole vaulter?” He replied “Nein, I am German. But how did you know my name is Walter?”

All my life I've wanted to learn how to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.

I've just started up a dating site for chickens. It's not my normal day job, I'm just doing it… To make hens meet.

I bought a new sat nav and uploaded the fat boy slim edition. But it just goes "turn right here, right now, right here, right now.

I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9. The odds were against me.

Have you all heard about the monk who claimed to see the face of jesus in a tub of margarine? He said: “I can’t believe it’s not Buddha.”

The other day, my friend told me I was delusional. I nearly fell off my unicorn.

I was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm. She asked how warm is it inside? I said Lukewarm.

Someone threw a giant bottle of omega-3 pills at me. I’m fine - I only suffered super fish oil injuries.

My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.

Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating... Or just mething around?
 
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