Joke thread

[Big Swifty]

I've got a friend that keeps falling down manholes and hurting himself.

I said to him,

“You've got repetitive drain injury"

He was just going through the notions

 

[Nellies left peg]

My neighbour has just confronted me about items going missing from his washing line, I nearly shit his pants.

Isn't that her pants?

 

[yeseye]

Isn't that her pants?

Beggars can’t be choosers!

 

[Alan Harper's Tash]

 

[Blue Mist]

Beggars can’t be choosers!

They can in Manchester, I offered one a cheese sandwich, he refused it as it had onion on it.

 

[mancity2012_eamo]

 

[Bill Walker]

The world champion tongue twister has been arrested , The police believe he will get a tough sentence..

 

[balotellishaircut]

My missus has been having a go at me lately, saying I’ve become obsessed with becoming a detective and not spending time with her.

This morning she said “I think we should split up”

I said “good idea we’ll cover more ground that way “

 

[balotellishaircut]

I phoned the Samaritans and said “ im at the top of Beachy head and I’m about to toss myself off “

The woman on the other end of the line “what about the people below”

I said “don’t worry love, they’ll probably think it’s bird shit”

 

[balotellishaircut]

I had a run in with the Glasgow mafia

I accepted an offer I couldn’t understand

 

[Bill Walker]

My dog Minton has just eaten all my shuttlecocks !
Bad Minton

 

[Indaparkside]

My dog Minton has just eaten all my shuttlecocks !
Bad Minton

It must of taken you all of 5 seconds to make that shit up

 

[Zubrman]

It must of taken you all of 5 seconds to make that shit up

Don't make such a raquet about it.

 

[Indaparkside]

Don't make such a raquet about it.

It’s too early pal:)

 

[Ancient Citizen]

Women say that giving birth is way more painful than a bloke getting kicked in
the bollocks. Here's proof that they are wrong.
A year or so after giving birth a woman will often say, '' It'd be nice to have another baby.''
You will never hear a bloke say ''I wouldn't mind another kick in the bollocks.''
Case closed.

 

[GaudinoMotors]

It must of taken you all of 5 seconds to make that shit up

Go on then ....

 

[dickie davies]

 

[ColinBellsjockstrap]

A man goes into a bar and says "A double scotch, drinks for everyone and one for yourself"

Everybody drinks up, bit the man says "I've got no money"..So the landlord throws him out.

The next night he comes in and says "A double scotch, drinks for everyone and none for you"

The landlord says "Why not?"

The man says "Cos' you get angry when you get drunk"

 

[Ancient Citizen]

A man walks up to the bar in the pub and asks for a pint of bitter.
The landlord pulls it, and hands it to him.
He then says, ''Looks like rain.''
''Aye, it fucking tastes like it too.''

 

[Maly]

The world champion tongue twister has been arrested , The police believe he will get a tough sentence..

Are you a Milton Jones fan by any chance?