Joke thread

Harry, at 84 years old, aways wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Nick Faldo, so seeing some on sale after
his round, he bought them.
He was so delighted with his purchase he decided to wear them home to show his wife.
Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife ''notice anything different about me'' ?

Mary at age of 83 looked him over and replied ''nope''

Frustrated, Harry stormed off to the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked, except for the new golf shoes.
Again he asked Mary ''notice anything different now?''

Mary looked up and said inher best deadpan response ''Harry, whats different? It's hanging down to-day,it was hanging down yesterday,
and it'll be hanging down to-morrow''

Furiously, Harry yells out ''AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN MARY?''
''Nope, not a clue'' she replied.
ITS HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES''

Without missing a beat,old Mary replies '' you shoulda bought a new hat!''
 
dronefromsector7G said:
In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15.
In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95.
In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at £2.50, but you can two for £3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is £2.25, or two for £3.25. They also offer meat and potato pie for £2, or two for £3. Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for £2.75, or two (any combination) for £4.75.

Those are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean
Click to expand...
I love that mate
 
Politically incorrect jokes
In a pub quiz the other day, I lost by one point. The question was where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer is Africa.

I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Toronto but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets

You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache"

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche & mentioned it on FaceBook. I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive !" Next thing I know, 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend !!

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk ...
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.”

The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to but our hose only reaches to the bottom of the garden.
 
Diego Maradona decides to come out of retirement and play for Newcastle,he goes into the changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" He asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Sunderland,They're shit and we can't be bothered".

Maradona looks at them and says "Well I know I'm a bit fat and old, but I reckon I can beat them by myself, you lads go down the pub."

So Maradona goes out to play Sunderland by himself and the rest of the Newcastle team go off for a few beers. As it's a sunny day they sit in the beer garden and after a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they go inside and get the landlord to put the TV on. A big cheer goes up as the screen shows

"Newcastle1 (Maradona 10 minutes) – Sunderland 0 Maradona's beating Sunderland all by himself!
So they all head off back to the beer garden and a few more beers later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on" They go back inside and put the TV on.

"Result from Stadium of light Newcastle1 (Maradona 10 minutes) – Sunderland1 ( 89 minutes)
The Newcastle players can't believe it, he has single handed got a draw against Sunderland! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him and find Maradona in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands totally inconsolable

He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down I've let you down"

"Don't be stupid Diego, you got a draw against Sunderland all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end!"

Maradona says "No, No, I have, I've let you down!. I was sent off after 12 minutes!"
 
Glenn Campbell has passed away after an illness which saw him lose half his body weight.
He was like a nine stone cowboy.
 
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