Joke thread

hammocity said:
Was talking about that show and my mate FOC, (like me) didn’t realise the Minstrels were all white and “blacked” up. My Mrs used to get nervous before those shows started, Pre Minstrel Tension.
Click to expand...
I always assumed PMT was Pre Match Tension. In the past I used to suffer from it almost every Saturday afternoon, not so bad these days.
 
It's the mid 1990s and Bill Clinton takes a telephone call from his Russian counterpart Boris Yeltsin. Yeltsin says "Mr President - In the spirit of Glasnost and Perestroika I must ask a very big favour. There has been a big explosion in our largest contraceptive factory and we urgently need a delivery of 4 million as this weekend is Lenin's birthday and our national birthrate will rocket otherwise."
Clinton replies "No problem Boris."
Yeltsin says "Special request Mr President. Each sample must be 10 inches in length."
Clinton says "No problem Boris."
A few days later Yeltsin inspects the first consignment and notes that everyone is stamped with "Made in USA" and "Medium"
 
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that, says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman can’t believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him, "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous,"says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus" says the barman.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the barman.
The duck asks again, "With the big tent?"
Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says, "What the hell would they want with a plasterer?”
 
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