Joke thread

[Xhavenjoe]

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Just cracked the screen on my phone when I pressed too hard

 

[DrBlueBob]

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Just cracked one off over the screen on my phone when I pressed too hard

There you go.

 

[Tuearts right boot]

Took me a while....very good. At first I thought it had something to do with that long pink thing sticking out of her mouth

 

[JULES]

You just can't beat a ridiculous pun joke.

you cant beat a hard boiled egg

 

[yeseye]

The wife said
“Here’s £20,
Get the dog a jacket.
If there’s any money left over,
get yourself a beer!

 

[dronefromsector7G]

I keep having this recurring dream where I think I'm a horse... Last five nights on the trot!

 

[TFC]

Driving past Strangeways today, I saw a dwarf climbing down the prison wall. Thought to myself 'thats a little condescending'.

 

[Sam Armstrong]

Women used to call me ugly, that was until they found out how much I'm actually worth.

Now they call me ugly and poor!!

 

[Sam Armstrong]

What borders on stupidity?

Canada & Mexico??

 

[TFC]

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the t-shirt that she slept in.

As I walked in, barely awake, she turned to me and said softly, "you've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all, right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks", and returned to the stove. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken".