Joke of the day
- Thread starter ColinBellsjockstrap
- Start date
Lavinda Past
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Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "lets have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes.
"Hmm," says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down"
"Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man.
"No, because he's heavy," says the vet.
"Well," said the vet, "lets have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes.
"Hmm," says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down"
"Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man.
"No, because he's heavy," says the vet.
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
The police recently arrested a man selling "secret formula" tablets that he claimed gave eternal youth.
When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he had been arrested for committing criminal medical fraud.
He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983....
When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he had been arrested for committing criminal medical fraud.
He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983....
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me - it's this horse. What is he - deaf or something?"
The trainer replies, "deaf...?? DEAF...??
He's not deaf--he's BLIND!"
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me - it's this horse. What is he - deaf or something?"
The trainer replies, "deaf...?? DEAF...??
He's not deaf--he's BLIND!"
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
A golfer, who was known for his bad temper, walked into the Pro Shop one day and plunked down big bucks for a new set of woods.
The staff all watched to see what would happen after he used them for the first time - more than half expecting he'd come in and demand his money back.
But the next time he came in, he was all smiles.
"They're the best clubs I've ever had," he said. "In fact, I've discovered I can throw them at least 40 yards farther than I could my old ones."
The staff all watched to see what would happen after he used them for the first time - more than half expecting he'd come in and demand his money back.
But the next time he came in, he was all smiles.
"They're the best clubs I've ever had," he said. "In fact, I've discovered I can throw them at least 40 yards farther than I could my old ones."
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
A husband and wife went for counselling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into an angry tirade listing each and every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.
She went on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unloveable, a long list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their quarter century of marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist stood up, walked around his desk and, asking the wife to stand, embraced her and kissed her passionately on the mouth.
The woman shut up and, in a daze, quietly sat down.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least seven times a week. Do you think you can do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, Doc, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on the other days I play golf."
She went on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unloveable, a long list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their quarter century of marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist stood up, walked around his desk and, asking the wife to stand, embraced her and kissed her passionately on the mouth.
The woman shut up and, in a daze, quietly sat down.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least seven times a week. Do you think you can do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, Doc, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on the other days I play golf."
Bill Walker
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The Song Of The Dead ?
Grassland Blue
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Q
Grassland Blue
Well-Known Member
An elderly man goes to the doctors.
Doctor asks him what is wrong.
"Well", says the man "these days I can't get an erection".
The doctor says, "No problem, I will prescribe some viagra for you, they will solve your problem".
As the doctor is writing the prescription he says, "Now Mr. Brown, these tablets are very strong, so you need to be careful with them".
"What you need to do is take a tablet and cut it in half. Take one half of the tablet, skip a day, then take the other half, skip a day, take another half tablet and so on until they are used up. Then come back and see me in a month to see if you need to increase the dose".
"Ok", says the man.
A couple of weeks later the doctor spots Mrs. Brown in the supermarket. He taps her on the shoulder and says, "Hello Mrs. Brown, I was wondering how your husband was getting on with his medicine"?
"Oh, she says, "he's died".
The horrified doctor says, "That's terrible news, I only put him on a low dose, how did it happen"?
"Oh it wasn't the tablets which killed him", she says.
"It was all the skipping in between..."
Doctor asks him what is wrong.
"Well", says the man "these days I can't get an erection".
The doctor says, "No problem, I will prescribe some viagra for you, they will solve your problem".
As the doctor is writing the prescription he says, "Now Mr. Brown, these tablets are very strong, so you need to be careful with them".
"What you need to do is take a tablet and cut it in half. Take one half of the tablet, skip a day, then take the other half, skip a day, take another half tablet and so on until they are used up. Then come back and see me in a month to see if you need to increase the dose".
"Ok", says the man.
A couple of weeks later the doctor spots Mrs. Brown in the supermarket. He taps her on the shoulder and says, "Hello Mrs. Brown, I was wondering how your husband was getting on with his medicine"?
"Oh, she says, "he's died".
The horrified doctor says, "That's terrible news, I only put him on a low dose, how did it happen"?
"Oh it wasn't the tablets which killed him", she says.
"It was all the skipping in between..."
Lavinda Past
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blue b4 the moon
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Like the skyscraper thread I'm drawn to these joke threads and always well nearly always with the jokes leave disappointed.
@mods can someone at least merge both joke threads together so my disappointment reduces by a third?
@mods can someone at least merge both joke threads together so my disappointment reduces by a third?
searsleftpeg
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- 22 Aug 2015
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Half shilling worth !!!. Luxury ,in my day it was the penny tray to stare at for 15 minutes before making the big decision, and that was old proper pennies, not this decimal nonsense they've brought nowadays . If you tell the kids of today.
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
Good idea. I thought the same...
Lavinda Past
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Proper pennies... with a young Queen Victoria's head on them. Twice the size of one of these new fangled 50p pieces. Real money.
horlock_was_super
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- 8 Jul 2009
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- In complete despair at 93:19
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- Manchester City F.C.
I’m shit maths so don’t know if the sum is correct.
So my problem here is - where the fuck did he get a hippopotamus from in North America?
Lavinda Past
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As posted earlier in the thread
I know we're working on two threads here but please try to keep up...
;-)
Last edited:
kippaxneil
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- 10 May 2007
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- 320
Old Chinese Proverb: Girl who do back spring on bedspring have offspring next spring.