Don't laugh, straight face, don't laugh, ah fuck it. I'll smirk and hope no one notices.
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Joke of the day
- Thread starter ColinBellsjockstrap
- Start date
Tuearts right boot
Well-Known Member
You'll only encourage him, don't !!!Don't laugh, straight face, don't laugh, ah fuck it. I'll smirk and hope no one notices.
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
A bloke is hired to paint white lines on a minor country road, so the boss gives him a big can of paint, a brush and sends him out.
At the end of the day, when he comes to get paid, he tells the boss he got two miles done. The boss is pretty impressed.
At the end of the second day, the painter reports that he did half a mile. The boss is a little surprised at the drop, but thinks maybe the first-day enthusiasm just wore off.
At the end of the third day, the painter says that he did 400 yards. The boss says, "That's quite a difference from the first day."
The painter replies, "So it is sir, but it's a lot further to walk back to the paint can now."
At the end of the day, when he comes to get paid, he tells the boss he got two miles done. The boss is pretty impressed.
At the end of the second day, the painter reports that he did half a mile. The boss is a little surprised at the drop, but thinks maybe the first-day enthusiasm just wore off.
At the end of the third day, the painter says that he did 400 yards. The boss says, "That's quite a difference from the first day."
The painter replies, "So it is sir, but it's a lot further to walk back to the paint can now."
1921 says Hi.A bloke is hired to paint white lines on a minor country road, so the boss gives him a big can of paint, a brush and sends him out.
At the end of the day, when he comes to get paid, he tells the boss he got two miles done. The boss is pretty impressed.
At the end of the second day, the painter reports that he did half a mile. The boss is a little surprised at the drop, but thinks maybe the first-day enthusiasm just wore off.
At the end of the third day, the painter says that he did 400 yards. The boss says, "That's quite a difference from the first day."
The painter replies, "So it is sir, but it's a lot further to walk back to the paint can now."
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
1921 says Hi.
My mum was born in 1921... her grandad told her the joke.
Dave Ewing's Back 'eader
Well-Known Member
I actually saw something similar to that done. A guy was painting the netball court lines on the school playground. He had the paint tin in a corner and kept going back to top up his brush!A bloke is hired to paint white lines on a minor country road, so the boss gives him a big can of paint, a brush and sends him out.
At the end of the day, when he comes to get paid, he tells the boss he got two miles done. The boss is pretty impressed.
At the end of the second day, the painter reports that he did half a mile. The boss is a little surprised at the drop, but thinks maybe the first-day enthusiasm just wore off.
At the end of the third day, the painter says that he did 400 yards. The boss says, "That's quite a difference from the first day."
The painter replies, "So it is sir, but it's a lot further to walk back to the paint can now."
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
This guy goes out to Las Vegas, and wins really big in one of the casinos. After winning fifty thousand dollars at the crap table, the casino decides to give the guy a night in the penthouse suite.
The guy goes up to the room, opens the big double doors, and steps into a three room suite. The room is nothing but windows, with a fantastic view of the city. The guy drops his bag on money in a chair and stands looking out the windows at the city. He realizes he is all alone and needs someone to share his good fortune with.
He calls down to the front desk and tells the clerk to send up one of the best high-priced call girls in the city.
Thirty minutes later there's a knock on the door. The guy opens it and there is the most gorgeous girl he has ever seen. Long blond hair, short red dress, and spiked heels. She walks into the room. The guy goes over to the bar and fixes two drinks, he gives one to the hooker, and drinks one himself. "Now, down to business," he says, "how much for a hand job?"
The hooker says, "Honey, a hand job is $500.00"
"What, that's outrageous!" he says.
"Come over here," She says walking toward one of the windows," see that strip mall over there," pointing out the window, "I own the last two stores on the end. I was able to buy those stores with the money I saved from giving hand jobs. I must be pretty damn good".
"All right, screw it" he says..."money is no object."
Ten minutes later she's done, and the guy is sitting on the couch reveling in ecstasy. He gets up, goes to the bar and makes two more drinks. He gives one to the hooker and drinks one himself. "That was the best hand job I have ever had. How much for a blow job?
"Honey, a blow job is $5000.00."
"What, that's outrageous." He says.
"Come over here," She says walking toward another one of the window, see that hotel and casino over there on the corner," pointing out the window, "I own that, I was able to buy it with the money I saved from giving blow jobs. I must be pretty damn good.
"All right, screw it, money is no object."
The guy gives her $5000.00. An hour after she's done, the guy is laying on the couch Head rolled back, eyes rolled up inside his head, a little drool coming out of the corner of his mouth. He gets up, barely able to stand, staggers over to the bar, mixes two more drinks ,gives one to the hooker, and drinks one himself.
"My god that was the best blow job I have ever had, I've gotta know, How much for some pussy?"
The hooker looks at him and says, " Honey if I had a pussy, I would own this whole city."
The guy goes up to the room, opens the big double doors, and steps into a three room suite. The room is nothing but windows, with a fantastic view of the city. The guy drops his bag on money in a chair and stands looking out the windows at the city. He realizes he is all alone and needs someone to share his good fortune with.
He calls down to the front desk and tells the clerk to send up one of the best high-priced call girls in the city.
Thirty minutes later there's a knock on the door. The guy opens it and there is the most gorgeous girl he has ever seen. Long blond hair, short red dress, and spiked heels. She walks into the room. The guy goes over to the bar and fixes two drinks, he gives one to the hooker, and drinks one himself. "Now, down to business," he says, "how much for a hand job?"
The hooker says, "Honey, a hand job is $500.00"
"What, that's outrageous!" he says.
"Come over here," She says walking toward one of the windows," see that strip mall over there," pointing out the window, "I own the last two stores on the end. I was able to buy those stores with the money I saved from giving hand jobs. I must be pretty damn good".
"All right, screw it" he says..."money is no object."
Ten minutes later she's done, and the guy is sitting on the couch reveling in ecstasy. He gets up, goes to the bar and makes two more drinks. He gives one to the hooker and drinks one himself. "That was the best hand job I have ever had. How much for a blow job?
"Honey, a blow job is $5000.00."
"What, that's outrageous." He says.
"Come over here," She says walking toward another one of the window, see that hotel and casino over there on the corner," pointing out the window, "I own that, I was able to buy it with the money I saved from giving blow jobs. I must be pretty damn good.
"All right, screw it, money is no object."
The guy gives her $5000.00. An hour after she's done, the guy is laying on the couch Head rolled back, eyes rolled up inside his head, a little drool coming out of the corner of his mouth. He gets up, barely able to stand, staggers over to the bar, mixes two more drinks ,gives one to the hooker, and drinks one himself.
"My god that was the best blow job I have ever had, I've gotta know, How much for some pussy?"
The hooker looks at him and says, " Honey if I had a pussy, I would own this whole city."
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
Patrick and Michael were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie appeared.
The genie said that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men drank the best Guinness they had ever tasted and considered their circumstances.
Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted and said "Bloody hell Patrick.... you do realise that we're going to have to piss in the boat from now on."
While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie appeared.
The genie said that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men drank the best Guinness they had ever tasted and considered their circumstances.
Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted and said "Bloody hell Patrick.... you do realise that we're going to have to piss in the boat from now on."
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said, "I gotta have you!"
He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and ravaged her. He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before.
When he finished, he started putting his clothes back on and when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door he said, "That was the best, honey. You've never moved like that before, you didn't hurt yourself did you?"
His wife replies, "No, no. I'll be fine once I get this door knob out of my arsehole."
He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and ravaged her. He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before.
When he finished, he started putting his clothes back on and when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door he said, "That was the best, honey. You've never moved like that before, you didn't hurt yourself did you?"
His wife replies, "No, no. I'll be fine once I get this door knob out of my arsehole."
Blue Llama
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 26 May 2009
- Messages
- 5,426
The fault with this joke is that Guinness isn't the finest brew ever it's not even the best stout ever.Patrick and Michael were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie appeared.
The genie said that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men drank the best Guinness they had ever tasted and considered their circumstances.
Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted and said "Bloody hell Patrick.... you do realise that we're going to have to piss in the boat from now on."