Joke of the day

Lavinda Past said:
Proper pennies... with a young Queen Victoria's head on them. Twice the size of one of these new fangled 50p pieces. Real money.
Click to expand...
I have one of these, George V 1919, my M-in-L's birth year and I call it my 'magic penny' It is used specifically to scratch off the covering on a Lottery scratchcard. The 'magic' has only worked for a £20 prize! It's gold plated and today's number was 45! Fuckin' Mario has screwed me!
 
Lavinda Past said:
Can you still buy a house for half a crown in Lincolnshire?
Click to expand...
Yep, comes complete with 2 acres of agricultural farmland. Have to be quick though, all the yuppies are onto it now for their weekend bolt hole. Newark to Kings Cross in 1 hrs 20 mins so no doubt they'll bring their new, shiny currency with them.
 
Fred_Quimby said:
View attachment 124645
Click to expand...
The Righteous Brothers?
tAvTTpI.gif
 
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and
close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple
things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the
refrigerator?
Wrong Answer.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the
elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through
the repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals
attend ..... Except one. Which animal does not attend?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Correct Answer : The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You
just put him in there. This tests your memory.
Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly,
you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and
you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Correct Answer:? You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not
been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting hosted by the Lion King.
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the
Professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many
preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this
conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals do not have
the brains of a four-year-old.
 
Fred_Quimby said:
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and
close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple
things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the
refrigerator?
Wrong Answer.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the
elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through
the repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals
attend ..... Except one. Which animal does not attend?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Correct Answer : The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You
just put him in there. This tests your memory.
Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly,
you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and
you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Correct Answer:? You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not
been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting hosted by the Lion King.
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the
Professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many
preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this
conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals do not have
the brains of a four-year-old.
Click to expand...
If that’s joke of the day, I’m going back to bed.
 
I'm taking part in a social experiment, I have to walk around in a tee shirt with the slogan " I TRUST KIER STARMER & RACHEL REEVES ", So far I've been spat at kicked and punched and had several objects thrown at me.
I dread to think what will happen when I go out.
 
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in London.
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed,
"Give the Ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down in one. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and boomed, "Give the Ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the Ballerina?'"
"As far as I'm concerned," the drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a Ballerina!"
 
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