Joke thread

I used to be a male trapped in a female’s body - Then I was born

I used to be against organ transplants - But then I had a change of heart.

The guy who stole all my wheat died when his head exploded.
At first, I couldn't understand how that happened. Then it hit me, he had migraine.

In order to be a stalker, you need to do the following…

I used to be embarrassed by my geology fetish - but now I'm feeling a little boulder.

I used to be a body guard for Donald Trump. A man tried to shoot him, I shouted "Mickey Mouse!". When asked why I shouted that I replied, I meant to shout 'Donald, Duck"!
 
noseve said:
I was in Liverpool 30 years ago and stepped out to find a crowd round my car.

I needn't have worried though. They weren't after my hubcaps - word had got round and they'd all gathered to gaze at my tax disc...
Click to expand...
Since the DVLA robbed the fcukers of this curio, I’ve sellotaped a payslip in its place.
 
I was buying a pen for my girlfriend.

"Could you wrap it in gift paper, please?"

'Oh, that's nice - is it a little surprise?'

"Well actually, a big surprise - she thinks she's getting a car..."
 
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Quasimodo running down the road being chased by a dozen kids...

"Bugger off", he shouts, "I haven't stolen your bloody football!"
 
Bloke buys a second budgie to keep his existing one company.

Next morning he comes down to find the new one lying dead in the cage, the old budgie preening himself in the mirror.

Puzzled, off he goes to the shop and comes back with another one.

Next morning, same again - the new budgie lying dead in the bottom of the cage, the old budgie whistling away as though nothing's happened.

This time, the man comes back with a sparrow-hawk.

Next morning, he's amazed to see the sparrow-hawk lying dead in the bottom. The budgie is swinging away, but bald as a coot. Not a feather on him.

Seeing the man's puzzled expression, the budgie says "yeah, I know - had to take my coat off for that one!"
 
Paddy, his wife and young family watching TV. He glances over and sees her legs apart, no knickers.

She's oblivious to this...

"Pssst!" he whispers loudly.

"What?"

He closes his legs dramatically, but she doesn't get it.

"Close your legs" he says, "The K-I-D-S can see your ****!"

******

Later the News at Ten chimes come on and he glances at his smart new Rolex, bought that day £15 down the market.

20 past 8.

"Wouldn't you know it" he says "spend all my money on this watch and now the telly's playing up!"
 
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