Joke thread

It's been posted before so apologies but i feel it should grace every joke thread;

A man walks into a bar and pauses: at the other end of the bar, there's this guy with a big orange head. Just kind of sitting there, mooning into his drink. So the man asks the bartender, "Say, what's up with the guy with the big orange head?" And the bartender says, "It's an interesting story. Buy him a drink and maybe he'll tell it to you."

So the man walks over and introduces himself and offers to buy a round. The guy with the big orange head says, "Yeah, I'll bet you want to know the story, huh?" To which the man replies, "Sure, if you don't mind."

The man with the big orange head sighs and says, "You know, I've gone over it in my mind a million times. Basically, it's like this: I was walking along the beach one day, when I stubbed my toe on something. I looked down, and there was an antique brass lamp. I picked it up and dusted it off a little -- when all of a sudden this enormous genie pops out!

"The genie thundered, 'You have released me from my ten-thousand year imprisonment, and I am in your debt. I will grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude.'

The man at the bar is agape. The guy with the big orange head continues: "So I said, 'Wow, okay. Well, my first wish is to be fantastically wealthy.'

"The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And all of a sudden I have rings on my fingers and a crown on my head, and my wallet is full of money and a dozen ATM cards and the deed to a mansion in the hills -- I mean, I was loaded!

"So I said, 'Amazing! Okay, for my next wish , I want to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world.'

"The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And the ocean parts, and out walks this gorgeous woman in this beautiful dress, and she takes my hand and we fall in love and the genie marries us right there. It was incredible.

"The genie booms, 'You have one wish remaining.'"

The man with the big orange head pauses and sips his beer. He says, "Now, you know, this may be where I went wrong. I wished for a big orange head.
 
The wife asked what I was up to on the computer and told her I was looking for cheap flights. She got all excited, which is strange as she's never shown an interest in darts before.
 
Viking god Thor comes down to earth and spends all weekend long making love to a woman with a lisp...

As he is leaving he says.."I am Thor"...

She says..."Your thor ?...i can't even go for a pith"
 
A bloke takes a bird back to his place, throws her down on the bed and just as he's about to go down on her, he pulls away saying " fucking hell love, that stinks down there". She says " I know, I'm sorry about that but it's not my fault. I've got arthritis". He says " What?, in your minge?" She says "No. It's in my shoulder, I can't wipe me arse".
 
anymore than 2sheiks said:
A bloke takes a bird back to his place, throws her down on the bed and just as he's about to go down on her, he pulls away saying " fucking hell love, that stinks down there". She says " I know, I'm sorry about that but it's not my fault. I've got arthritis". He says " What?, in your minge?" She says "No. It's in my shoulder, I can't wipe me arse".

You can't joke about arthritis on here
 
So New York has built a 'Park in the sky' then?

Hope it works better than their 'Airport in a skyscraper' idea.
 

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