Joke thread

[Carstairs]

What did the Leper say to the whore?





















You can keep the tip.






...coat, exit.

 

[Tuearts right boot]

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb?
Let's go ride our bikes!

 

[warpig]

my mates fallen out with me after catching me wanking whilst sniffing his little sisters knickers. it didn't help that she was wearing them at the time.

it made the funeral very awkward for the both of us.

 

[pieface]

Christmas day,i went round to my dads house,ran in all excited like,going "dad dad what have you got me"...dad was in his study,he called out "im just on the phone" "be out in a minute"
last minute wrapping i thought,anyway few minutes later he came out and said"follow me" took me outside and showed me a car...A CAR...choking back tears i said"dad is that really for me"......"yes" he said...."its a taxi get in it and fuck off"..

 

[warpig]

after having sex with a rough council estate girl, theres nothing worse than looking down and seeing a split and leaking condom hanging off the end of your cock............ especially when you weren't the one wearing one to begin with.

 

[talkativesprout]

Wayne Rooney has written to UEFA about his red card.


he had his crayons out so he also drew them a picture of a dog, a house and some saggy gran-tits.



Google has just reached its 13th birthday, surveillance on Kevin Webster has been doubled.

 

[goatboy]

i just got ripped off by a chinese guy. the pan he sold me doesn't fly at all.


my wife caught me wanking whilst looking at a magic eye picture. i said "it's not what it looks like"


agnb - thats bang out of order

 

[Bigg Bigg Blue]

Someone asked me what do I know about Dwarfs, I replied "very little".

 

[the blue panther]

I went on a holiday of a lifetime once.
Tell you what - never again!




Hat, coat.....I'm outta here.

 

[the mystery illness]

i just got ripped off by a chinese guy. the pan he sold me doesn't fly at all.


my wife caught me wanking whilst looking at a magic eye picture. i said "it's not what it looks like"


agnb - thats bang out of order

made me smile

 

[Tuearts right boot]

I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.



You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools


Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche & mentioned it on FaceBook.
I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive !" Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend !!

 

[Oohvonkyvonky]

Why does Noddy wear a hat with a bell on it?


Cos he's a ****.

 

[Viva Rivaldo]

Why does Noddy wear a hat with a bell on it?


Cos he's a ****.

Similar to one of my favourite jokes.

Why does Rupert the Bear wear checked trousers?

Cos he's a ****.

 

[mrcunny]

Paul McCartney's going to have an heart attack when he finds out that his new wife spends twice as much on shoes as his ex did.

 

[LongsightM13]

Why did Kevin Webster shave his tache off?

Because he likes his lips with no hair around them.

 

[jimharri]

Why did Kevin Webster shave his tache off?

Because he likes his lips with no hair around them.

How the fuck do you get spilt coffee off a keyboard?


:-)

 

[southstand117]

I bought an iPad, Steve jobs dies..
I bought a blackberry, BBM dies..
I've just been and bought Gary Neville's autobiography..

Fingers crossed

 

[mrcunny]

<a class="postlink" href="http://youtu.be/BL8gl_6zhI8" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;">http://youtu.be/BL8gl_6zhI8</a>

 

[jimharri]

Just a thought. If iPhones start to fail, will we be treated to the headline;
''Apple and Blackberry Crumble''?

 

[Ding Dong]

Sad news about the death of Apple founder Steve Jobs.

Have they tried switching him off and back on again.