Joke thread

[Sc0tt]

Kenn Dodd died yesterday.
Did He?
No, Doddy.

 

[maccadon]

Dickhead?

Wahey

 

[Pelly Greeny]

Wahey

He did ask for that ;-)

 

[maccadon]

He did ask for that ;-)

Am surprised it took that long :-)

 

[Pelly Greeny]

Am surprised it took that long :-)

Sorry, I was busy - had to carbon date some of those jokes - early indications are that some are quite valuable as they date from c. 1970's

 

[jimharri]

Only my mum jim :-)

Fuck off, I'm not your mum.

 

[SteWadda]

Some bloke keeps ringing me up singing Prince Charming and Stand and Deliver down the phone.
I've told him to fuck off but his adamant.

 

[ComfySeats]

Q: What do you call an anorexic woman with a yeast infection?
A: A Quarter Ponder with Cheese.

 

[Sc0tt]

My mate got knocked down by a mattayou.
Oh, what's a mattayou?
Hey why you looking so sad, it's a not so bad....

 

[Pelly Greeny]

The 80's wants its joke back.

No it doesn't!!

 

[Sc0tt]

Knock Knock
who's there?
Biggish
biggish who?
Get a job

 

[talkativesprout]

Teacher: Can anyone in the class tell me, the name of Robin Hoods girldfriend?

Little Patrick: Trudie Glen Miss!

Teacher: No Patrick, Her name was Maid Marion.

Little Patrick: You sure miss?

Teacher: Yes

Little Patrick: Well what about the song, " Robin Hood, Robin Hood, Riding Trudie Glen.

 

[Squelch]

An Englishman walks into a bar. But there's no sign of the Scotsman, Welshman and Irishman. They're still at the Rugby World Cup.

 

[Clevers]

An Englishman walks into a bar. But there's no sign of the Scotsman, Welshman and Irishman. They're still at the Rugby World Cup.

So he has his best night out in years.

 

[Zuriblue]

The Germans are embroiled in yet another scandal, they want to change the alphabet to
ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSßTUXYZ

Its a VW omissions scandal

 

[bazbarrybazzer]

Just got a call off british gas saying my bill was outstanding. I said 'Cheers', then hung up.

 

[Zuriblue]

After he heard about the WHO report that bacon gives you cancer David Cameron has checked into a STD clinic.

 

[talkativesprout]

Paddy phoned the RSPCA to report he had found a dog with 5 puppies in a suitcase down on the canal, the operator says "Thats Terrible, are they still moving" to which Paddy replies, "I dont know, but that would explain the suitcase"

 

[Squelch]

I asked the librarian if she had a book about Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat.

She said it rang a bell, but she didn't know if it was there or not.

 

[@nimal]

Sex without light

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device … a dildo! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. “You impotent bastard,” She screamed at him, “How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!”

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: “I’ll explain the toy … you explain the kids.”