Joke thread

[Ste1969]

"You're a tight bastard, Dave," snapped my wife.

"But I can't see the point of paying £700 for the kids to have breakfast with a mouse in Disneyland," I replied.

"Tight fucking bastard," she muttered.

"Well think of the money we've saved. Twenty quid-a-night for a B&B in Rhyl and they can still have breakfast with a mouse."

 

[Anonymous]

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

One

But only if the light bulb wants to change.

 

[kippax81]

Bloke wakes up in hospital after a serious accident, with a gorgeous nurse stood watching over him.

The nurse says " You may not feel anything from the waist down"

Bloke replies " So it's ok to touch your tits then?"

 

[Squelch]

Wife - "What's wrong?"

Husband - "Sex with you is like sex with an inflatable doll."

Wife - *shocked face*

Husband - "You're not helping yourself."

 

[hackneyslim]

Wife - "What's wrong?"

Husband - "Sex with you is like sex with an inflatable doll."

Wife - *shocked face*

Husband - "You're not helping yourself."

Amazing. I ... it's ...

Thank you.

 

[nw42]

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife, Carolyn
that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.
Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, 'Honey, now I only
have 18 hours left to live maybe we could make love again?'
Carolyn agreed and again they made love.
Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only
eight hours of life left.
He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said,
'Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die.'
She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and
turned until he was down to only four more hours.
He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. 'Honey, I only have
four hours left! Could we...?'
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said,

'Listen Barry, I'm not being funny...



...but I have to get up in the morning and you don't.'

 

[brass neck]

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell.

It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build improvements.

Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan and says: "So, how are things in Hell?"

Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great.

We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators.

And there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

"What!" God exclaims. "You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have been sent to Hell. Send him to me."

"Not a chance," Satan replies: "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him!"

God insists: "Send him back or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right.

And where are you going to get a lawyer?”

 

[Ancient Citizen]

As a young boy I was blessed with a nine and three quarter inch penis.

The downside was it belonged to Father O'Malley.

 

[mrcunny]

Got a phone call at work the other day. It was eric my neighbour. He said 'i dont know how to tell you this, its your wife. She's hung herself on your washing line. Through my tears i said 'do me a favour mate. If it rains bring her in'

 

[mrcunny]

In the gym yesterday i said to the trainer,
"Which machine can I use to impress that sexy blonde"
He looked at me & said
"The cash machine you fat bastard"