Dating site experiences and shock horror meetings!

I'm With Stupid said:
Anyway, Bumble is better than Tinder. Women have to speak first, which saves you the hassle of contacting loads of people and having only 1 in 10 respond. They also seem to do a better job of filtering out fake accounts in my experience.
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Not tried that, Bumble as in Bee?

Knowing my luck I'll probably cop off with an old Queen bee that's had thousand pricks; )
 
I met a chick off Plenty of Fish, went out and had a good time, got bladdered and went back to hers as i was horney as fcuk.....sat on the couch and she gave me a quick “shake and vac” which lasted about 2mins.
Tired, drunk, hungry and sack emptied, i decided to go home straight away.
I feel sorry for her - i didn’t even touch a tit. I bet i left her there all moist!
Shame really
 
Man-chester copperpot said:
.....sat on the couch and she gave me a quick “shake and vac” which lasted about 2mins.
Tired, drunk, hungry and sack emptied, i decided to go home straight away.
I feel sorry for her - i didn’t even touch a tit. I bet i left her there all moist!
Shame really
Click to expand...

Shame you have a knob like a Shake n' Vac bottle if you ask me, pal; )
 
Been a couple of years since I tried online dating.
I had some decent adventures and met a couple of incredible women.
Unfortunately I don't think I was really ready to date, but it helped soften the blow of a shit year at the time. It's been almost two years since I've last dated (which I once would have found incredible).
Had a lot of personal rebuilding and 'happy in my own skin' to resolve and I think that's only fair to myself and potential dates.

I have recently cranked up the intrigue and tried Hinge (which looks like the best of the lot in all fairness).
Only spoken to one so far...I often can't be arsed. She was incredibly attractive but dull as dish water.
 
BlueMoonRisin' said:
Bump!

Being single I thought I'd join Tinder and I did, just before Christmas. After splitting up with the infamous 'Bigfoot' last September(7 year itch perhaps apt)

Didn't want to have to go down the dating site app route but living on my own staring at 4 walls in a pandemic is not good for one's mental well being.

Anyway, messaged a few(like you do) and got a reply off a few (like you do) and a few tyre kickers just wanted to be online friends in ping-ponging text messages back and forth forever and a day, not my kind of thing as I want to hear a voice on the end of the phone I can initially relate to as that person being the same person on the phone as in profile.

Anyway I'm waffling too much.

Was on the phone to a year 53 old chatty female from Nelson near Burnley friday night for over 3 hours, she liked to talk alright, jeez: / Her pics were good, nowt special but 'attractive' for her age(it seemed). Now I'm not after an oil painting, a plain Jane with good hygiene and morals is far more appealing as I'm no oil painting myself. Think Salvador Dali throwing a gallon of Castrol GTX at a wall and that's a picture of me...: /... Fuck off snorky with your face of 40 arseholes comment, and fuck off to my bessie mate with the Iain Dowie ugly twin brother remark, I can take the piss out of myself just fine, thank you; lads )

Been talking to her for about a week and things were looking bright and conversation flowing. I had suggested a video call so we can both see each other and see what we are both potentially letting ourselves in for, saves on potential shock horror meet ups and I've been down that route several times before.

But that video call didn't happen as she didn't have her make-up on, didn't have mine on either for that matter. Saturday night we we're on the phone and she is telling me about her new sofa that had arrived (yawn) and how lovely and comfy it is (yawn). Then she started to panic when she said that she had locked herself in her living room. I asked her how and she said the handle had come off from the hall side of the door when they delivered it it and was getting in quite a bit of a panic about it being 11 oclock at night and she cannot go to bathroom upstairs. Said she had to have a pee in the back garden.

Being a kind and reasonable chap I am I tried telling her that the square bar connecting the door handle had disengaged. I tried telling her how to resolve it and and open the door but she was getting quite worked up and suggested I went round to fix it. With covid restrictions and being my elderly mother's carer I have been very careful to stick to government guidelines in social distancing etc.

Anyway, a fair maiden was in distress and told her not to panic and I'd be there in an hour as I had some chicken wings in the oven. - "Take them out and finish cooking them at mine"... "Ok, Are you hungry?"....
"Yes, getting that way. Oh, and can you bring me a bottle of wine please I need a drink".... " Ok, see you in about be an hour, I'll ring when I get to yours"... "Ok thanks".

Took chicken wings out of the oven, ran upstairs gives myself a sink wash and washed my dick (just in case, because you never know) and set off driving. Called in the Chinese for a special chow mein and at the petrol stations just before the motorway for a bottle of medium white and a 4 pack of ale for myself. Gets to Nelson and my phone died from being on sat-nav so couldn't ring. Plugs phone into car USB port and waited about 5 minutes.

"Hi, I'm here now"... "Ok, you'll have to come round the back (sounded promising; ) and I'll let you in".... Off I eagerly trotts with my phone light on at midnight looking for miss distress, Damsel.

Well knock me down with a feather, I looked fuckin' distressed when I noticed Damsel had a face like the back of the 53 bus!
Hoodwinked yet again by 10 year old pictures of when she was pretty, way before she discovered cake and wine!

I asked(looking perplexed) - "How did you manage your make-up when you said you were locked out from your bedroom"? ..."My next door neighbour let me borrow hers".... (Gulp) I almost to blurted - "I see she lent you her best trowel to plaster it on with love!"

"You smell nice, I like your aftershave"she said... "Thanks"... Gave her a quick hug of reassurance and a peck on the cheek and said I'd sort it after some much needed scran. She was once a good looking woman who had let herself go, let her bra go too as the second things I clapped my eyes on nearly blinded me, more prominent than Toyah Willcox, and unlike Robert Fripp, I couldn't help but notice!

The wine was open in no time, I think she was topping herself up tbh. Her bloodshot eyes and rouge coloured plastered skin suggested it to me, anyway...... "What's up, you ok"?.... "Yeah, I just need to eat thanks" I said.

We ate the food and I had a can. Fixed her door knob in about 20 seconds and sat there in her living room thinking how I had been duped yet again to be chatting to a lonely alcoholic women repeating herself on what she had told me on the phone. To cut an already long story a bit shorter we talked till 3, well she did and I because very tired and agitated.... "You can sleep in my room if you like and I'll sleep on the sofa". Aye aye, heard that before and I once would have kindly obliged but I told her I'd drive home and get in my own bed, and I did.

As I went towards the back door I grabbed a bag -"what are you doing?".... "I'm taking the cans I brought", saved her from necking them!.... "Ok, text me when you get home, make sure you're alright.... "Ok love, see you later".(like you do) Not as though I intended to see her ever again, like.

Got home and checked my phone. Noticed a missed call but my phone was on silent and she had text me I rather slurred drunken text of spurned mild nastiness.

Pics? Lol.Think of the late Mark E Smith in drag and you're somewhere near; )
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“Mark E Smith in drag” reminded me of Chubby Brown’s description of one of his past conquests looking “like Jack Palance with tits”
 
Every now and again this place will throw up a thread that I can spend ages reading and just laughing and laughing and laughing.

This is one of those threads.

Brilliant stuff
 
Met a girl in a bar.

She had previously told be she does singing in pubs.

She turned up head to toe in bright Disney clothing, dyed bright red hair and the Little Mermaid tattoos. Turns out she does Disney songs for kids in pubs on Sundays.

Gave me a rendition of a beauty and the beast song 2 minutes into the date.
 
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