Funniest/wittiest replies to a question

I was helping out in a Year 8 art class over a decade ago at a school in Salford, when a teacher praised a kid's work. Another lad call Joe, on hearing the praise, shouted to the teacher: "Miss, I'm ambidextrous me." Obviously impressed, the teacher asked: "Are you Joe?" He then replied: "Yeah. I can do fuck all with both hands." Both myself, along with the teacher and other kids, burst out laughing.
 
discopop said:
One of the best comebacks on the cricket pitch.

Australia plucked out Zimbabwe’s ninth wicket at 120 and in walked Eddo Brandes. The game was all but won by Australia but Eddo wasn’t going down wondering and he decided to play his shots. A few minutes later, Glenn McGrath, the Australian pacer, casually asked Eddo, ”Why are you so fat?”

Eddo Brandes, the Zimbabwean bowler, didn’t miss the opportunity and quickly replied, “Because every time I make love to your wife, she gives me a biscuit.” Even Glenn McGrath was stunned by that snorter of a reply by Eddo. Interestingly, McGrath wasn’t married at the time. He married his first wife Jane in 1999.
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www.huffingtonpost.co.uk

'If You Turn Your Bat Over You'll See The Instructions On The Back'

'If You Turn Your Bat Over You'll See The Instructions On The Back'
www.huffingtonpost.co.uk www.huffingtonpost.co.uk
 
roman totale said:
Back in the bad (good?) old days of the mid-late 90s, we were at the game at Grimsby. About 20 mins before kick-off an announcement came over the tannoy asking all the City fans to move down the aisle and take a seat, so people coming into the away end could get in.

This young steward, trying to make a few quid that day and with a hi-viz jacket on over his Nirvana t-shirt, comes up to these two blokes who were stood next to us and says ‘can you shufty down a bit fellas and take a seat?’. One of the guys, a proper Shaun Ryder type, turns to look at the kid, takes drag on his fag out the back of his hand and says “Don’t tell me to sit down you scruffy ****. Go an’ get yer fuckin’ hair cut” and turns back around to carry on his conversation with his mate. The kid just looked around and walked off, a bit like Spike Milligan at the end of this scene in The Life Of Brian.

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remember going to Grimsby in 97 in a 1-1 draw when Kavelashvili scored, there were 3 of us all in City colours and we found a working mens club on main street, we walked in there were 3 guys sat at the bar 1 had a dipper shirt on, 2 had rags shirts on , landlord came from other bar with a Spurs shirt on and said to us "sorry lads its regulars only"
 
The steeplejack Fred Dibnah was working at the top of a 120 foot chimney when someone walking past & looking up in wonder asked Freds sidekick Donald who was acting as lookout & and helper down on the ground if Fred had ever fallen off a chimney, Donald replied with a straight face "He did once but I managed to catch him"
 
A friend of mine worked in a children's home in Salford. She came into our local one evening looking really pissed off. I asked her what was wrong. She said that she had had a really rough day in work. The kids had been very badly behaved and abusive throughout her whole shift. She said "I am sick and tired of being called a fat slag."
I replied "Why don't you go on a diet and stop sleeping around."
 
Once saw an exchange where one guy called the other a fat this and that.

The other guy turned around and said something along the lines of at least he could join a gym or eat less, whereas there was no exercises or diet that could cure being a c4nt.
 
Zubrman said:
I used to work in the Non Food warehouse of a large cash & carry. One day the Food side was having a stock-take and had requested some help from our side.

My manager told me to go round and let myself be known to the Food side's manager. I went over, found him and said I'd been sent to help out.

"Where's the rest of yer?" he asked.

"Underneath me overalls!" I said.
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Did you work at Roy Hall's?
 
This is almost certainly apocryphal, as I heard it years later as a joke but at the time I wanted to believe and it rang true to the characters involved.

In the early '70's my Uncle, a hill farmer in N Wales with a reasonable acreage farm was visited by our distant relations from the US, they were Mormons who do this weird thing where they trace their family tree and baptise the deceased in the Mormon faith. They were also farmers, ranchers in their parlance and quite proud of their success.
Anyhoo, my Uncle was showing them around and Mormon number one remarked that the farm was of an easily managable size and that his ranch took a full day to drive round. To which my esteemed Uncle replied, "I had a car like that once."
 
Brightwell’s left peg said:
I was driving into the US from Canada to play golf. At the border the US border officer asked me if I was bringing anything into the US that I wouldn’t be taking back.

“About a dozen golf balls” I said, quite happy with myself and much to the amusement of my mates.

It was wasted though…I just got a shitty look and silence until I said…”no nothing”. Miserable cnut.
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Can you imagine the smug cunts he has to listen to all day?

To be fair, though, when I get home from a long trip overseas (in uniform, mind you), and get asked “Do you have anything to declare?” I have always answered, “It’s good to be back in America!” It nearly always elicits a “Welcome home!”

So, maybe I’m one of those smug cunts, too!
 
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ChicagoBlue said:
Can you imagine the smug cunts he has to listen to all day?

To be fair, though, when I get home from a long trip overseas (in uniform, mind you), and get asked “Do you have anything to declare?” I have always answered, “It’s good to be back in America!” It nearly always elicits a “Welcome home!”

So, maybe I’m one of those smug cunts, too!
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ChicagoBlue said:
Can you imagine the smug cunts he has to listen to all day?

To be fair, though, when I get home from a long trip overseas (in uniform, mind you), and get asked “Do you have anything to declare?” I have always answered, “It’s good to be back in America!” It nearly always elicits a “Welcome home!”

So, maybe I’m one of those smug cunts, too!
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I wasn’t being smug…rather self deprecating and inwardly happy (and somewhat surprised) with myself for my quick wit. Plus, it was on the border between interior BC and Idaho. They’d probably struggle to spell ‘smug’ in those parts of the world, let along try to act it, so I doubt he did deal with many smug cnuts on a daily basis.

As for you, rather than a smug cnut, I think the colloquial local term for you would be a ‘kiss ass’!!

;-)
 
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