Joke of the day

[Lavinda Past]

A girl was in the pub last night and this really ugly bloke went up to her, squeezed her arse and said, "Give me your number sexy."

She said, "Have you got a pen?"

He smiled and said, "Yes."

She said, "Well you'd better get back to it quickly, before the farmer notices you're missing!"

 

[Lavinda Past]

A wife was trying to be sexy for her husband one night.

When he came up the stairs, he found her lying naked on the bed, licking a lollipop.

Then she slipped it up her fanny...

Her husband said, "Careful with that, love... You'll need it to help the children across the road tomorrow!"

 

[Dave Ewing's Back 'eader]

Are you too young to remember sweets in big jars being sold by the pound and put into brown paper bags?
Nothing funny about that, I’m just curious.

I remember being able to buy one of the four chews for a penny, and buying it with a farthing!

 

[Blue Mist]

No way would a native North American have access to a hippopotamus hide.

There is no way a hippopotamus can hide. His bum would stick out of the water

 

[Barcon]

There is no way a hippopotamus can hide. His bum would stick out of the water

The bird on it's back is the giveaway.

 

[Tuearts right boot]

I remember being able to buy one of the four chews for a penny, and buying it with a farthing!

Bazooka Joes anyone

 

[Lavinda Past]

Joe and Paddy join the army and are told to go to the QMS (quarter Masters Stores) to get their uniforms.

As they stood in line, the QM started shouting out sizes, and Paddy asked Joe "whats dat man shouting out all dat about,?"

Joe says "he’s sizing us for kit",

Paddy says "I don’t know my sizes.. what do I do?" Joe says "well you are a bit bigger than me so just shout the next number I give".

The QM shouts "BOOTS".... Joe says "8" Paddy says "9"
QM shouts WAIST... Joe says "32". Paddy says "33"
QM shouts "HAT"... Joe says "6 and 7/8ths", Paddy says "9, 10, 11".

 

[Fiftyyearsandcounting]

A hiker, clearly shaken, enters a remote English village pub, his clothes all torn and he's full of scratches...​

"You won't believe this," he says to the bartender. "I was attacked by a leopard!"
"Really?"
"Yes! A leopard! In England!"

The hiker sits down and orders the strongest liquor they've got. "I tried to run, but it was of course much faster than me."

The hiker gets his glass, empties it, and asks for another. "It sent me to the ground with a mighty push from its paws, but weirdly enough it then just gave me a really sad look and left."

"Ah, you met Father Andrews," the bartender says, matter-of-factly.

"What do you mean?" asks the tourist, confused.

"Father Andrews was our priest. A truly kind-hearted man, loved by all. His only goal in life was to serve his congregation as well as he could. So when he one day found a lamp with a genie, his very first wish was to be a loving shepherd to the community."
"That's nice "

"Absolutely, if only he hadn't been so prone to spoonerisms..."

True Story..
Dr Spooner was hosting a dinner at his college in Oxford. When proposing a toast to her majesty (Victoria), he announced "Ladies & Gentlemen, please raise your glasses to the queer old dean".

 

[kippaxneil]

Think my obsession with the group 'The Monkees' is starting to affect my marriage.
Earlier this morning my wife came downstairs ranting and raving, stormed into the lounge....and then I saw her face.

 

[RadcliffeRick]

Think my obsession with the group 'The Monkees' is starting to affect my marriage.
Earlier this morning my wife came downstairs ranting and raving, stormed into the lounge....and then I saw her face.

What am I doing hanging around

This thread :-)