Joke thread

What do you call a deer with no eyes?



No idea! (no eye deer)

I know, time to get my coat
 
I just rammed an ice lolly up my arse!



It was FAB!!!


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Just seen the 2012 Utd calender,

It's a bit explicit!



there's a **** on every page!!

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One of the 7 dwarves has just been arrested for fucking a Giraffe


Apparently the other 6 put him up to it!
 
Gary gets home late one night and Linda, his wife, says "Where the hell have you been?" Gary replies "I was out getting a tattoo!"

"A tattoo"? She frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a fifty pound note on my privates" he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking"? She said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a fifty pound note tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow fifty quid anytime you want."

Gary is in the MRI, Intensive Care unit, room 462
 
I'm a celebrity's on again and I've just sat there watching Fatima Whitbread in a skimpy bikini in having a shower in the jungle under a waterfall and I thought please don't get an erection................but she did!!!
 
I am fucking sick of people knocking on my door asking for donations, just had one woman from the sperm bank, fuck me did I give her a mouthful.
 
A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'
'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Man CITY fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied..
The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Man CITY fan?'
'Because my mum is a Man CITY fan, and my dad is a Man CITY fan, so I'm a Man CITY fan too!'
'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Man CITY fan.
You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time…
What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'

'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan. LOL
 
bluestevei said:
A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'
'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Man CITY fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied..
The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Man CITY fan?'
'Because my mum is a Man CITY fan, and my dad is a Man CITY fan, so I'm a Man CITY fan too!'
'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Man CITY fan.
You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time…
What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'

'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan. LOL
Click to expand...
 
I went into Subway today and asked for the biggest, greasiest and most expensive sub they had.

They gave me Andy Carroll.

______________________________________________

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter. Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age.""Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!"
 
A Bloke walks into a bric-a-brac shop and sees an ornamental brass rat, the sort of thing women of a certain age love to put on the mantlepiece. He thinks "that'll be perfect for his Mother's birthday", so he asks the shopkeeper how much it is.

"£25 for the rat, £100 for the story", replies the man.

"Forget the story" says the bloke, and so buys the rat for 25 quid. He walks off down the road, but has not gone 30 yards when a rat comes up from the gutter and starts to follow him. Soon more arrive, and in a few minutes the whole street is a sea of rats, all following the bloke, who keeps walking until he comes to a cliff. He throws the brass rat over, and millions of rats follow, one after each other, plunging to certain death. The bloke them runs back to shop.....

"Aaaah", says the shop keeper, "you'll be back for the story"

"Screw the story - do you have a brass man utd fan?"

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The Post Office has just recalled their latest stamps.
They had photos of Manchester United players on them - people couldn't figure out which side to spit on
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What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead Man Utd. fan?
Skid marks in front of the dog.
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My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that fucking 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
................................
I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...but she did.
................................
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
................................
Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
................................
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."
"sod that" says Mick
"have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
................................
I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.
................................
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.
................................
What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One's a superhero and the other is an instruction.
................................
Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called a wedding cake.
................................
I was in the pub with my wife last night and i said i love you. She said is that you or the beer talking ? I replied it's me talking to the beer.
 
I was down the Gym this morning when I noticed a hole in my trainer just big enough to get my finger in.

Anyway, she's now made a formal complaint and I'm barred for life.
 
a man is up in front of the courts for stealing a bike when intoxicated. in his defense the lawyer said it wasn t a full bike as it had no saddle and the his client had received horrible injuries from this.
the judge said it was irrelevant before being interrupted.
"judge it ripped the arse off me, i was in awful pain!!!!!"

the judge said "don t you mean rectum ???!" to which the defense replied "wrecked him your honor, it nearly killed him!!!!"

probably sounds better with a poxy irish accent ;)
 
Is it the 80s again - Zinitta, Pat Sharp and the bird from Hart to Hart on TV and Chelsea are shit
 
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