Joke thread

Nike have started making trainers for lesbians called "Nikes4dykes" they have 50% more tongue and you can get them off with one finger.

-- Thu Nov 10, 2011 8:06 pm --

What have Gaddafi and Man United got in common? Both were murdered by the locals!<br /><br />-- Thu Nov 10, 2011 8:07 pm --<br /><br />What's black and got two broken arms?

Colonel Gadaffi's sunglasses!
 
My girlfriend thinks that i'm a stalker.Well she's not exactly my girlfriend,yet.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs a'int happy.
I called 999 the other day because i thought the wife had died, the operator said how do you know? i said well the sex is the same but you should see the size of the ironing pile.
 
Police pulled over a black driver and were amazed to find he had tax & insurance, the car hadn't been stolen and he hadn't been drinking. So they gave him a £60 fine for wasting police time.
 
themadinventor said:
MADCHESTER CITY said:
It's one of the 'Your Mum' jokes;

Your mama's so thick that she climbed over a glass wall just to see what was on the other side

-- Thu Oct 20, 2011 5:03 pm --

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
Click to expand...



It's one of the 'Your Mum' jokes;

Your mama's so thick that she climbed over a glass wall just to see what was on the other side

Or, your mum is so fat, every time she turns around it's her birthday lol
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Your mum is so fat her blood type is Ragu.
 
the Mrs asked me if i could get our ginger haired son ready for his 1st day at school so i punched him in the face and stole his dinner money
 
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the Batmobile?














Get in the Batmobile, Robin.
 
My son walked in today with his new girlfriend.

"This is Sarah," he burst out.

"I've heard a lot about you," I smiled.

"Really? All good I hope," she smirked.

"Oh yes, he's a lucky boy," I replied. "It was a year before his mother let me do her up the arse."
 
Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off,
I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts

"I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!"

Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"

So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.

can't work in the feckin' dark!" says Murphy.
 
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,
"Hello." "Mrs. Sanders, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory.
When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Sanders.
"Normally we can, but the NHS will only pay for these expensive tests once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The NHS Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't shag him."
 
I went to the local brothel and asked for something kinky, I was shown into a room and then this tart stuffed a set of jump leads up my arse, it was good but I can't believe how much she charged me.
 
Cheese Butty said:
I went to the local brothel and asked for something kinky, I was shown into a room and then this tart stuffed a set of jump leads up my arse, it was good but I can't believe how much she charged me.
Click to expand...

On a positive note, at least you didn't start anything.
 
daveduke67 said:
Cheese Butty said:
I went to the local brothel and asked for something kinky, I was shown into a room and then this tart stuffed a set of jump leads up my arse, it was good but I can't believe how much she charged me.
Click to expand...

On a positive note, at least you didn't start anything.
Click to expand...


...no sex drive...
 
york away to this! said:
daveduke67 said:
Cheese Butty said:
I went to the local brothel and asked for something kinky, I was shown into a room and then this tart stuffed a set of jump leads up my arse, it was good but I can't believe how much she charged me.
Click to expand...

On a positive note, at least you didn't start anything.
Click to expand...


...no sex drive...
Click to expand...

the prozzie had to get her battery operated toys out. he'd already indicated he could perform.
 
There was an elderly man at home, upstairs, dying in bed. He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died. he crawled down the stairs and crawled into the kitchen where his wife w...as busily baking cookies.

With his last remaining strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped a warm, moist chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.

Gasping for breath, he asked her, "Why did you do that?"

"Those are for the funeral you greedy ****."




-- Thu Nov 17, 2011 8:29 pm --

So 40% of men over 40 suffer from erection problems?

Looking at 40% of women over 40, it's not fucking difficult too see why....






Injury and accident insurance claim adverts are bollocks.
When next doors daughter cut herself on our fence they told me to take some pictures of her gash, and now I'm the one who ends up in fucking court!
 
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