Joke thread

[Lavinda Past]

A blonde girl was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.
On her turn, she rolled the dice and landed on "Science & Nature".
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time, and then asked, "Is the vacuum on or off?"

 

[Lavinda Past]

A man goes to the doctor and says: "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!"
The doctor asks: How long was she had this condition?"
"Two years." replies the man.
"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the doctor.

The man shrugs his shoulders and replies: "We needed the eggs"

 

[Lavinda Past]

Sad news at the Nestle factory today when a member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath...

He tried in vain to attract attention, but every time he shouted "The milky bars are on me" everyone cheered.

 

[balotellishaircut]

Can’t believe how rude the suppository’s helpline was.

 

[Dave Ewing's Back 'eader]

Finicky twat. ;)

One man's finicky twat is another man's pedant. And we all love a pedant.

 

[balotellishaircut]

One man's finicky twat is another man's pedant. And we all love a pedant.

Maybe I was wrong I should have called that poster a sarcastic twat and not used a smiley face. :)

 

[meltonblue]

 

[Tuearts right boot]

A man goes to the doctor and says: "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!"
The doctor asks: How long was she had this condition?"
"Two years." replies the man.
"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the doctor.

The man shrugs his shoulders and replies: "We needed the eggs"

Brilliant, my kind of childish humour

 

[Lavinda Past]

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display.

"I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and asked me if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad news?"
The gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor."

 

[Hertzblue]

 

[Bill Walker]

 

[Bill Walker]

 

[Bill Walker]

 

[Bill Walker]

 

[Lavinda Past]

 

[Lavinda Past]

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.
This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal out of this, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck..."

 

[hammocity]

What do you call an Italian beggar ?

Giovanni change

What does the Italian song O Sole Mio translate to in English?

I've only got one fish

 

[hammocity]

 

[blue b4 the moon]

View attachment 121446

Having a W surname I can totally relate to this, school at times was a fucking nightmare.

 

[johnny crossan]