Joke thread

[balotellishaircut]

It’s been said gambling destroys lives.
Well I don’t know, it’s brought me and my family closer together.
We now all live in a bedsit.

 

[Deleted member 77198]

My wife left me due to my obsession with cricket - it really knocked me for six…

I didn’t know you could play cricket

 

[Blue_eyes]

My wife said she was going to leave me cos I was ignorant of and had no sympathy for her self harming!!

Knock yourself out, I said.

 

[Coatigan]

“Can you tie a knot?"
"I cannot."
”So you can knot?"
"No, I cannot knot."
”Not knot?"
"Who's there?"
”Fuck off!"

Brilliant

 

[Deleted member 77198]

“Can you tie a knot?"
"I cannot."
”So you can knot?"
"No, I cannot knot."
”Not knot?"
"Who's there?"
”Fuck off!"

I can’t post a video from my phone, but have you ever seen the sketch of Tim Vine with four pieces of string on a stick, two have knots and two don’t?

“Let me talk you through the ropes ladies and gentlemen. These ones here, these have knots, and these don’t have knots, so these are the have nots, erm well, no these have knots so these are the knots, but these are the nots, well the knots, erm, because these are knots, these are the have nots, well these have knots, but these have knots, so these are the have nots, have not knots, no these, well these have not, but these are the knots…”

Fucking piss myself laughing every time I see it!

 

[Fiftyyearsandcounting]

It's true, smoking can kill you. My cousin died crossing the road on his way to the tobacconist.

 

[LWashington]

My wife left me because she says I break everything that I touch.

HGhghghgf65675840399***&^3nfkdjhfka;'/ra;

 

[dickie davies]

 

[Sid C]

This is a message to the teacher who said I would never amount to anything.


It was just a lucky guess, you ****.

 

[Mad Eyed Screamer]

My wife left me due to my obsession with cricket - it really knocked me for six…

I bet you were really stumped when she left