Joke thread

Bernard Matthews' lawyer was working on an inspired scheme to sell more turkey.
He called the Vatican and requested a private audience with the Pope.

The request was refused, but the lawyer called again and again, and finally his request was granted.

A few weeks later he was brought into a grand and stately room for an audience with His Eminence

He knelt and kissed the Pope's ring and explained who he was and who he represented.

Then he said, 'Your Holiness, I have a proposition to make that I think could be of huge benefit to both of us... I'd like you to change the words of the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily turkey.'

It will help my client sell more turkeys, and we are prepared to pay the Church £1 million for this.'

The Pope shook his head firmly and said, 'No, young man, I am afraid that it is out of the question... The words to that Holy prayer have remained unchanged for 2,000 years.'

But the lawyer persisted. 'Well, Your Holiness, would you do it for £5 million?'

'No, no,' replied the Pope, 'absolutely not. The Church holds tradition sacred and does not make changes casually.'

The lawyer stood up. 'All right, £100 million! Would you do it for £100 million...? Just think what you could do with all that money!'

The Pope reflected silently upon the starving people around the world, the far-flung missions, and the myriad of other financial burdens on the Church. Eventually, he looked over at the papal attorney and nodded his assent. 'Please tell Mr. Matthews that we have an agreement.'

The next day, the Pope called a meeting of the College of Cardinals.

'Dearest colleagues,' the Pope began, 'I have for you some good news and some bad news. The good news is that we are to receive £100 million from Mr. Bernard Matthews to change the words of the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily turkey.' '

The bad news, friends, is that we're losing the Warburtons Bread account.'
 
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.

"Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'

The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
 
The church needed a new coat of paint. The Stewardship Committee asked for bids. Jerry was a painter and really needed some work. He quickly put in a low bid to make sure he got the job. Sure enough, his low bid was chosen.

Jerry went to buy the paint and realized his bid was far too low. The paint was going to cost more than his bid. Being an enterprising man, Jerry decided he would just get half as much paint as he needed and add water to it.

He got to work and started painting. It was a big job, and the Committee was impressed by his hard work. When he was nearly finished, the weather report predicted a big storm was coming in. Jerry hurried and finished the job before the storm hit.

As he listened to the rain coming down the night of the storm, he hoped his watered-down paint job would be okay. He rushed over to the church first thing in the morning. When he arrived, the sun was peeking through the clouds and shining on the church. All of the watery paint had been washed off!

Jerry was mortified! His plan had failed. What would he do now? He walked around the building, wringing his hands. His shoddy work was apparent for all to see. His reputation as a painter would be ruined and God’s House looked terrible. The money the Committee had spent on the new paint job was for nothing. Jerry’s heart was broken.

He knelt down and lifted his heart to God. “God, I am sorry! I cheated the church and I am ruined! What can I do?” Sobbing, he looked up in amazement as he heard God’s voice in answer to his prayer.

“Repaint, and thin no more!”
 
After completing his physical on a patient, the doctor asked if there was anything that was bothering him. Joe replied, "Yeah, my hearing."
The doctor examined Joe's ear and removed some ear wax. He then asked Joe if his hearing was better.
Joe said, "I don't know, the hearing isn't till next Tuesday."
 
A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love.
After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a really good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, How did you figure that out?"

"I didn't feel a thing!"
 
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