Joke thread

Lavinda Past said:
Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".

So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."

"What? He had two arseholes?" asked the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes....'"
Click to expand...
You could say Paddy had ::
 
The nun was having a bath one day and hears a knock on the door.
"Who is it?" she says
"It's the blind man from the village"
The Nun figures thats okay, "come on in, I'm in here"
Man walks in and says. "Now where do you want me to hang these blinds?"
 
citymad said:
The nun was having a bath one day and hears a knock on the door.
"Who is it?" she says
"It's the blind man from the village"
The Nun figures thats okay, "come on in, I'm in here"
Man walks in and says. "Now where do you want me to hang these blinds?"
Click to expand...
The vicar of Dibley??
 
citymad said:
The nun was having a bath one day and hears a knock on the door.
"Who is it?" she says
"It's the blind man from the village"
The Nun figures thats okay, "come on in, I'm in here"
Man walks in and says. "Now where do you want me to hang these blinds?"
Click to expand...
I saw that one coming.....
 
Old Mr.Jones had an arrangement.
Every Wednesday and Sunday he went round to Mrs.Smiths house where they had afternoon tea together.
After they had finished the tea and cake they would retire to the sitting room where Mrs.Smith would take out Mr. Jones old man and hold it, just hold it, for about half an hour.
Anyway, one day, Mr.Jones told Mrs. Smith that he wouldn't be coming round as often in future.
Mrs.Smith wanted to know why?
"Well," said Mr.Jones "I will be visiting old Mrs.Morgan sometimes".
"Mrs.Morgan!' exclaimed Mrs.Smith, "and what does she have that I don't?"
"Parkinsons" came the answer.
 
bluetonium said:
Bagged an absolute stunner last night, took her back to my place and had a hell of a time. Only problem was she was shouting out some other guy's name all night. Whoever he is, Ron Whole must be some guy!
Click to expand...
Would work better if you'd put "bagged an absolute Thai stunner last night".
 
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