Joke thread

Bill Walker said:
Text message from Harry to his neighbour Bill:

”Hi, Bill. This is Harry, next door. I've a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I'm telling you in this text. I can't live with myself a minute longer without your knowing about this. The truth is, when you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day and night. Probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently. I know that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt & hope you'll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I'll pay you. Cheers - Harry”�

Bill, feeling enraged and betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door and shot Harry dead. He returned home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.

He then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Harry:

“Hi, Bill. Harry here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I assume you figured it out and noticed that the darned Spell-Check had changed "wi-fi" to "wife." Technology, huh? It'll be the death of us all.”
Click to expand...
Stranger things have happened.
 
I like opera. There's one by Johann Strauss about a little rodent that nibbles through tyres on bikes to let the air out.

It's called "Deflator Mouse"....

And one of my favourite arias is the one describing Japanese car workers falling asleep on the night shift.

It's called "Nissan Dorma".

Please don't tell me I have to explain them. But I did invent them myself, believe it or not.
 
Big Swifty said:
I like opera. There's one by Johann Strauss about a little rodent that nibbles through tyres on bikes to let the air out.

It's called "Deflator Mouse"....

And one of my favourite arias is the one describing Japanese car workers falling asleep on the night shift.

It's called "Nissan Dorma".

Please don't tell me I have to explain them. But I did invent them myself, believe it or not.
Click to expand...
Big Swifty, these are quite brilliant.
It is about time we had some high brow humour on here.
Do you know any Latin jokes?
 
Colin Bells Holdall said:
Big Swifty, these are quite brilliant.
It is about time we had some high brow humour on here.
Do you know any Latin jokes?
Click to expand...
Two Oxford Dons sitting in a bar:

"Would you decline a little tequila, Oswald?"

"Certainly Jeffrey. Tequila, tequilae, tequilae, tequilam, tequila."

Caesar walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'd like a Martinus." The bartender looks befuddled, but then asks, "Oh, do you want a Martini?" Caesar replies: "Look pal, when I want a double, I'll ask for it."
 
Alan Harper's Tash said:
Two Oxford Dons sitting in a bar:

"Would you decline a little tequila, Oswald?"

"Certainly Jeffrey. Tequila, tequilae, tequilae, tequilam, tequila."

Caesar walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'd like a Martinus." The bartender looks befuddled, but then asks, "Oh, do you want a Martini?" Caesar replies: "Look pal, when I want a double, I'll ask for it."
Click to expand...
Good effort. Beta plus.
 
Two Oxford dons meet in the street.
One of them, an English professor, has a gorgeous girl on each arm.
His mate, a Latin professor, asks him where he's going.
The English professor says "I'm taking these two ladies to a ball. How about you?"
The Latin professor says "Vice Versa".
 
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