Joke thread

[Lavinda Past]

I saw a supermaket cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.

The look on his face was priceless.

 

[Lavinda Past]

I taught my pet dog how to play the trumpet on the London Underground today

He went from Barking to Tooting in about 15 minutes

 

[flook]

In Archaeology news, the Pythagorean Theorem has been found inscribed on a clay tablet a couple of hundred years older than Pythagoras himself.

We now know that not only did Pythagoras really know his geometry, but he also invented time travel.

OK someone is going to have to explain how to put someone on block. I mean a joke's a joke, and this isn't one on any planet in this solar system or any other. What were you even thinking???

 

[KS55]

In Archaeology news, the Pythagorean Theorem has been found inscribed on a clay tablet a couple of hundred years older than Pythagoras himself.

We now know that not only did Pythagoras really know his geometry, but he also invented time travel.

The speed on the hyperhighway is equal to the sum of the speeds on the other two rides.

 

[Lavinda Past]

I saw the manager oofour local Tesco drowning, so I hrew him a cork and shouted
"every little helps"

 

[Lavinda Past]

I bought a map so I could put a pin in all the places I visited, but I had to visit the places up in the top corners first or else my map would fall down.

 

[Lavinda Past]

To be frank, I'd have to change my name.

 

[Lavinda Past]

I looked up "opaque" in the dictionary, but the definition was not clear.

 

[Lavinda Past]

I tried calling the Tinnitus helpline, but it just keeps ringing.

 

[Big Swifty]

There was a young girl from Uttoxeter
So ugly the boys all threw roxeter
But now that she's twenty and showing them plenty
They're waving their balls and their coxeter.

There was a young lady from Leicester
Who said to the guy who caressed her
"If I were you, jack,
I'd try round the back
Cos the front is beginning to fester"

 

[Lavinda Past]

OK someone is going to have to explain how to put someone on block. I mean a joke's a joke, and this isn't one on any planet in this solar system or any other. What were you even thinking???

 

[Lavinda Past]

My relationship with my old girlfriend struggled once she took up golf

It really drove a wedge between us

 

[BlueFurn]

My relationship with my old girlfriend struggled once she took up golf

It really drove a wedge between us

Relentless!
You’ve got a book… or it was you that knocked Bob Monkhouse’s books…
Machine gun humour!!

 

[BlueFurn]

Relentless!
You’ve got a book… or it was you that knocked Bob Monkhouse’s books…
Machine gun humour!!

Knocked? Nicked!

 

[Lavinda Past]

Relentless!
You’ve got a book… or it was you that knocked Bob Monkhouse’s books…
Machine gun humour!!

Fun fact... I used to live next door to Bob Monkhouse's nephew. He was a right dickhead. (The nephew, not Bob)

As for the posts (I won't call them jokes as it upsets some of our readers apparently)... I claim no responsibility for them. I'm just passing on a bit of humour in an otherwise largely miserable world.

 

[citizen_maine]

Fun fact... I used to live next door to Bob Monkhouse's nephew. He was a right dickhead. (The nephew, not Bob)

As for the posts (I won't call them jokes as it upsets some of our readers apparently)... I claim no responsibility for them. I'm just passing on a bit of humour in an otherwise largely miserable world.

View attachment 129167

I must have missed that

 

[dronefromsector7G]

I put Vaseline on my front doorknob for a joke the other day…My missus didn’t find it funny at all. In fact, she flew off the handle.

 

[Uwe Already]

Does anyone remember the chiropractor joke I posted?

It was about a week back.

Would you like any copies of Chiropractor Monthly?

I have some back issues…

 

[Lavinda Past]

I must have missed that

 

[Lavinda Past]

Oh! why did the Beeb sack Jermaine Jenas?
Was it a deed shocking, profane or heinous?
Was it sordid like Huw?
Or did he do something new?
Seems likely he shared a pic of his penis